1  8  S  S 


1X7^  .   K       ^  'Vvcr^wO  . 


JANE 


PASTE   JEWELS 

Being   Seven   Tales  of  Domestic  • 


BY 
JOHN  KENDRICK  BANGS 

"They  also  serve  who  only  stand  and  wail 


NEW   YORK    AND   LONDON 

HARPER   &  BROTHERS   PUBLISHERS 

1  897 


:  ..:  .'By.  'JOHN  KENDKICK  BANGS. 


THE  PURSUIT  OF  THE  IIoDSK-BoAT.  beiiiij  Some  Fur 
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PUBLISHED   BY   HARPER   &    BROTHERS,   NEW  YORK. 


Copyright,  1897,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rights  reserved. 


TO 

E.  L.  N. 


909903 


PEEFACE 


IT  may  interest  the  readers  of  this  col 
lection  of  tales,  if  there  should  be  any 
such,  to  know  that  the  incidents  upon 
which  the  stories  are  based  are  unfortu 
nately  wholly  truthful.  They  have  one 
and  all  come  under  the  author's  observa 
tion  during  the  past  ten  years,  and  with 
the  exception  of  "Mr.  Bradley's  Jewel/' 
concerning  whom  it  is  expressly  stated 
that  she  was  employed  through  lack  of 
other  available  material,  not  one  of  the 
servants  herein  made  famous  or  infa 
mous,  as  the  case  may  be,  was  employed 
except  upon  presentation  of  references 
written  by  responsible  persons  that  could 


Yi  PREFACE 

properly  have  been  given  only  to  domes 
tics  of  the  most  sterling  character.  It  is 
this  last  fact  that  points  the  moral  of 
the  tales  here  presented,  if  it  does  not 
adorn  them. 

J.  K.  B. 

YONKEKS,  N.  Y.,  1897. 


CONTENTS 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OP  THADDEUS          .     .      3 

Mil.  BKADLEY'S  JEWEL 45 

UNEXPECTED  POMP  AT  THE  PERKINS'S    .     .     71 

AN  OBJECT-LESSON 101 

THE  CHRISTMAS  GIFTS  OF  THADDKUS     .     .123 

A  STRANGE  BANQUET 149 

JANE    .  .181 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  THADDEUS 


THE   EMANCIPATION  OF  TIIADDEUS 

THEY  were  very  young,  and  possibly  too 
amiable.  Thaddeus  was  but  twenty-four 
and  Bessie  twenty-two  when  they  twain, 
made  one,  walked  down  the  middle  aisle 
of  St.  Peter's  together. 

Everybody  remarked  how  amiable  she 
looked  even  then  ;  not  that  a  bride  on  her 
way  out  of  church  should  look  unamiable, 
of  course,  but  we  all  know  how  brides  do 
look,  as  a  rule,  on  such  occasions — looks 
difficult  of  analysis,  but  strangely  sug 
gestive  of  determined  timidity,  if  there 
can  be  such  a  quality  expressed  in  the  hu 
man  face.  It  is  the  natural  expression  of 
one  who  knows  that  she  has  taken  the 
most  important  step  of  her  life,  and,  on 
turning  to  face  those  who  have  been  bid 
den  to  witness  the  ceremony,  observes 


4  PASTE    JEWELS 

ctkat;  .thje  sacredness  of  the  occasion  is 
somewhat  marred  by  the  presence  in 
church  of  the  unbidden  curiosity-seek 
ers,  who  have  come  for  much  the  same 
reason  as  that  which  prompts  them  to 
go  to  the  theatre — to  enjoy  the  spec 
tacle.  But  Bessie's  face  showed  nothing 
but  that  intense  amiability  for  which  she 
had  all  her  life  long  been  noted ;  and  as 
for  Thaddeus,  he  never  ceased  to  smile 
from  the  moment  he  turned  and  faced 
the  congregation  until  the  carriage  door 
closed  upon  him  and  his  bride,  and  then, 
of  course,  he  had  to,  his  lips  being  other 
wise  engaged.  Indeed,  Thaddeus's  amia 
bility  was  his  greatest  vice.  He  had  nev 
er  been  known  to  be  ill-natured  in  his 
life  but  once,  and  that  was  during  the 
week  that  Bessie  had  kept  him  in  sus 
pense  while  she  was  making  up  her  mind 
not  to  say  "No"  to  an  important  proposi 
tion  he  had  made — a  proposition,  by-the- 
way,  which  resulted  in  this  very  ceremony, 
and  was  largely  responsible  for  the  trials 
and  tribulations  which  followed. 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TIIADDEUS  5 

Thaddeus  was  rich— that  is,  he  had  an 
income  and  a  vocation  ;  a  charming  little 
home  was  awaiting  their  coming,  off  in  a 
convenient  suburb  ;  and,  best  of  all,  Bes 
sie  was  an  accomplished  house-keeper, 
having  studied  under  the  best  mistresses 
of  that  art  to  be  found  in  the  country. 
And  even  if  she  had  not  completely  mas 
tered  the  art  of  keeping  house,  Thaddeus 
was  confident  that  all  would  go  well  with 
them,  for  their  waitress  was  a  jewel,  in 
herited  from  Bessie's  mother,  and  the 
cook,  though  somewhat  advanced  in  years, 
was  beyond  cavil,  having  been  known  to 
the  family  of  Thaddeus  for  a  longer  pe 
riod  than  Thaddeus  himself  had  been.  The 
only  uncertain  quantity  in  the  household 
was  Norah,  the  up-stairs  girl, who  was  not 
only  new,  but  auburn-haired  and  of  Cel 
tic  extraction. 

Under  such  circumstances  did  the  young 
couple  start  in  life,  and  many  there  were 
who  looked  upon  them  with  envy.  At 
first,  of  course,  the  household  did  not  run 
as  smoothly  as  it  might  have  done — meals 


6  PASTE    JEWELS 

were  late,  and  served  with  less  ceremony 
than  either  liked  ;  but,  as  Bessie  said,  as 
she  and  Thaddeus  were  finishing  their 
breakfast  one  morning,  "  What  could  you 
expect  ?" 

To  which  Thaddeus,  with  his  customary 
smile,  replied  :  "  What,  indeed  !  Wre  get 
along  much  better  than  I  really  thought 
we  should  with  old  Ellen/' 

Old  Ellen  was  the  cook,  and  she  had 
been  known  to  Thaddeus  as  "  Old  Ellen" 
even  before  his  lips  were  able  to  utter  the 
words. 

"Ellen  has  her  ways,  and  Jane  has 
hers,"  said  Bessie.  "  After  Jane  has 
got  accustomed  to  Ellen's  way  of  getting 
breakfast  ready,  she  will  know  better  how 
to  go  about  her  own  work.  I  think,  per 
haps,  cook's  manner  is  a  little  harsh.  She 
made  Jane  cry  about  the  omelet  this 
morning;  but  Jane  is  teary,  anyhow." 

"Ik  wouldn't  do  to  have  Ellen  oily 
and  Jane  watery,"  Thaddeus  answered. 
"They'd  mix  worse  than  ever  then.  We're 
in  pretty  good  luck  as  it  is." 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  THADDEUS      7 

"  I  think  so,  too,  Teddy/"  Bessie  re 
plied  ;  "but  Jane  is  so  foolish.  She 
might  have  known  better  than  to  send 
the  square  platter  down  to  Ellen  for  an 
omelet,  when  the  omelet  was  five  times  as 
long  as  it  was  broad." 

"You  always  had  square  omelets, 
though,  at  your  house — that  is,  when 
ever  I  was  there  you  had/'  said  Thad- 
deus.  "  And  I  suppose  Jane's  notion  is 
that  as  things  happened  under  your  moth 
er's  regime,  so  they  ought  to  happen  here." 

(f  Possibly  that  was  her  notion/'  replied 
Bessie  ;  "  but,  then,  in  your  family  the 
omelets  were  oblong,  and  Ellen  is  too  old 
to  depart  from  her  traditions.  Old  peo 
ple  get  set  in  their  ways,  and  as  long  as 
results  are  satisfactory,  we  ought  riot  to 
be  captious  about  methods." 

"No,  indeed,  we  shouldn't,"  smiled 
Thaddeus  ;  "  but  I  don't  want  you  to  give 
in  to  Ellen  to  too  great  an  extent,  my 
dear.  This  is  your  home,  and  not  my 
mother's,  and  your  ways  must  be  the 
ways  of  the  house." 


8  PASTE    JEWELS 

"Ellen  is  all  right,"  returned  Bessie, 
"  and  I  am  so  delighted  to  have  her,  be 
cause,  you  know,  Teddy  dear,  she  knows 
what  you  like  even  better,  perhaps,  than 
I  do  —  naturally  so,  having  grown  up  in 
your  family." 

"  Reverse  that,  my  dear.  Our  family 
grew  up  on  Ellen.  She  set  the  culinary 
pace  at  home.  Mother  always  let  her 
have  her  own  way,  and  it  may  be  she  is 
a  little  spoiled." 

"Do  you  know,  Teddy,  I  wonder  that, 
having  had  Ellen  for  so  many  years,  your 
mother  was  willing  to  give  her  up." 

"  Oh,  I  can  explain  that/'  Thaddeus 
answered.  "  Fm.  the  youngest,  you  know  ; 
the  rest  of  the  family  were  old  enough  to 
be  weaned.  Besides,  father  was  getting 
old,  and  he  had  a  notion  that  the  com 
forts  of  a  hotel  were  preferable  to  the  dis 
comforts  of  house-keeping.  Father  likes 
to  eat  meals  at  all  hours,  and  the  annun 
ciator  system  of  hotel  life,  by  which  you 
can  summon  anything  in  an  instant,  from 
a  shower-bath  to  a  feast  of  terrapin,  was 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  THADDEUS      (J 

rather  pleasing  to  him.  He  was  always 
an  admirer  of  the  tales  of  the  genii,  and 
he  regards  the  electric  button  in  a  well- 
appointed  hotel  as  the  nearest  approach 
to  the  famous  Aladdin  lamp  known  to 
science.  You  press  the  button,  and  your 
genii  do  the  rest." 

"  But  a  hotel  isn't  home/'  said  Bessie. 

"A  hotel  isn't  this  home/7  answered 
Thaddeus.  "  Love  in  a  cottage  for  me ;  but, 
Bessie,  perhaps  you — perhaps  it  wouldn't 
be  a  bad  idea  for  you  to  speak  to  Jane 
and  Ellen  this  morning  about  their  differ 
ences.  I  am  an  hour  late  now." 

Then  Thaddeus  kissed  Bessie,  and  went 
down  to  business. 

OnThaddeus's  departure  Bessie's  cheer 
fulness  also  deserted  her,  and  for  the  first 
time  in  her  life  she  felt  that  it  would  do 
her  good  if  she  could  fly  out  at  somebody 
— somebody,  however,  who  was  not  endear 
ed  to  the  heart  of  Thaddeus,  or  too  inti 
mately  related  to  her  own  family,  which 
left  no  one  but  Norah  upon  whom  to 
vent  the  displeasure  that  she  felt.  Norah 


10  PASTE    JEWELS 

was,  therefore,  sought  out,  and  requested 
rather  peremptorily  to  say  how  long  it  had 
been  since  she  had  dusted  the  parlor  ; 
to  which  Norah  was  able  truthfully  to 
answer,  "This  mornin',  mini."  Where 
upon  Bessie's  desire  to  be  disagreeable 
departed,  and  saying  that  Korah  could 
now  clean  the  second-story  front -room 
windows,  she  withdrew  to  her  own  snug 
sewing -room  until  luncheon  should  be 
served.  She  was  just  a  trifle  put  out  with 
Norah  for  being  so  efficient.  There  is 
nothing  so  affronting  to  a  young  house 
keeper  as  the  discovery  that  the  inherit 
ed  family  jewels,  upon  whom  much  reli 
ance  has  been  placed,  are  as  paste  along 
side  of  the  newly  acquired  bauble  from 
whom  little  was  expected.  It  was  almost 
unkind  in  Norah,  Bessie  thought,  to  be 
so  impeccably  conscientious  when  Jane 
and  Ellen  were  developing  eccentricities  ; 
but  there  was  the  consoling  thought  that 
when  they  had  all  been  together  a  month 
or  two  longer,  their  eccentricities  would 
so  shape  themselves  that  they  would 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  11 

fit  into  one  another,  and  ultimately  bind 
the  little  domestic  structure  more  firmly 
together. 

"  Perhaps  if  I  let  them  alone/'  Bessie 
said  to  herself,  "  they'll  forget  their  dif 
ferences  more  quickly.  I  guess,  on  the 
whole,  I  will  say  nothing  about  it." 

That  night,  when  Thaddeus  came  home, 
the  first  thing  he  said  to  his  wife  was  : 
"  Well,  I  suppose  you  were  awfully  firm 
this  morning,  eh  ?  Went  down  into  the 
kitchen  and  roared  like  a  little  tyrant, 
eh  ?  I  really  was  afraid  to  read  the  paper 
on  the  way  home.  Didn't  know  but  what 
Fd  read  of  a  'Horrid  Accident  in  High 
Life.  Mrs.  Thaddeus  Perkins's  Endeavor 
to  Maintain  Discipline  in  the  Household 
Eesults  Fatally.  Two  Old  Family  Ser 
vants  Instantly  Killed,  and  Three  of  the 
Kitchen  Table  Legs  Broken  by  a  Domes 
tic  Explosion  !' " 

"Be  serious,  Thaddeus,"  said  Bessie. 

And  Thaddeus  became  instantly  seri 
ous.  "  They — they  haven't  left  us,  have 
they?"  he  whispered,  in  an  awe-struck  tone. 


12  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  No.  I— I  thought  I'd  let  them  fight 
it  out  between  themselves,"  replied  Bes 
sie.  "You  see,  Thaddeus,  servants  are 
queer,  and  do  not  like  to  have  their  differ 
ences  settled  by  others  than  themselves. 
It  '11  work  out  all  right,  if  we  let  them 
alone." 

"I  don't  know  but  that  you  are  right," 
said  Thaddeus,  after  a  few  moments  of 
thought.  "They're  both  sensible  girls, 
and  capable  of  fighting  their  own  battles. 
Let's  have  dinner.  I'm  hungry  as  a  bear." 

It  was  half -past  six  o'clock,  and  the 
usual  hour  for  dinner.  At  8.10  dinner 
was  served.  The  intervening  time  was 
consumed  by  Jane  and  Ellen  endeavoring 
to  settle  their  differences  by  the  silent, 
sniffy  method — that  is,  Jane  would  sniff, 
and  Ellen  would  be  silent  ;  and  then  El 
len  would  sniff,  and  Jane  would  be  silent. 
As  for  Thaddeus  and  Bessie,  they  were 
amused  rather  than  angry  to  have  the 
dear  little  broiled  chicken  Bessie  had  pro 
vided  served  on  the  large  beef-platter ; 
and  when  the  pease  came  up  in  a  cut-glass 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TIIADDEUS  13 

salad-dish,  Thaddeus  laughed  outright, 
but  Bessie's  eyes  grew  moist.  It  was  too 
evident  that  Jane  and  Ellen  were  not 
on  speaking  terms,  and  there  was  strong 
need  for  some  one  to  break  the  ice.  Fort 
unately,  Bessie's  mother  called  that  even 
ing,  and  some  of  her  time  was  spent 
below  -  stairs.  What  she  said  there  only 
Ellen  and  Jane  knew,  but  it  had  its  eifect, 
and  for  two  or  three  weeks  the  jewels 
worked  almost  as  satisfactorily  as  did 
]S"orah,  the  new  girl,  and  quite  harmo 
niously. 

"  Bessie,"  said  Thaddeus,  one  night  as 
they  ate  their  supper,  "  does  it  occur  to 
you  that  the  roast  is  a  little  overdone  to 
night  ?" 

"Yes,  Teddy,  it  is  very  much  over 
done.  I  must  speak  to  Ellen  about  it. 
She  is  a  little  careless  about  some  things. 
I've  told  her  several  times  that  you  like 
your  beef  rare." 

"  Well,  I'd  tell  her  again.  Constant 
dropping  of  water  on  its  surface  will 
wear  away  a  stone,  and  I  think,  perhaps, 


14  PASTE    JEWELS 

the  constant  dropping  of  an  idea  on  a 
cook's  head  may  wear  away  some  of  the 
thickest  parts  of  that — at  least,  until  it  is 
worn  thin  enough  for  the  idea  to  get 
through  to  where  her  brain  ought  to  be. 
You  might  say  to  her,  too,  that  for  sev 
eral  nights  past  dinner  has  been  cold." 

"  I'll  speak  to  her  in  the  morning,"  was 
Bessie's  reply  ;  and  the  dear  little  woman 
was  true  to  her  purpose. 

"  She  explained  about  the  beef  and  the 
cold  dinner,  Ted,"  she  said,  when  Thad- 
deus  came  home  that  afternoon. 

"  Satisfactorily  to  all  hands,  I  hope  ?" 
said  Thaddeus,  with  his  usual  smile. 

"Yes,  perfectly.  In  fact,  I  wonder  we 
hadn't  thought  of  it  ourselves.  In  the 
old  home,  you  know,  the  dinner-hour  was 
six  o'clock,  while  here  it  is  half-past  six." 

"What  has  that  got  to  do  with  it?" 
asked  Thaddeus. 

"  How  obtuse  of  you,  Teddy  !"  ex 
claimed  Bessie.  "  Don't  you  see,  the  poor 
old  thing  has  been  so  used  to  six-o'clock 
dinners  that  she  has  everything  ready  for 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TIIADDEUS  15 

us  at  six  ?  And  if  we  are  half  an  hour 
late,  of  course  things  get  cold  ;  or  if  they 
are  kept  in  the  oven,  as  was  the  case  with 
the  beef  last  night,  they  are  apt  to  be  over 
done  ?" 

"  Why,  of  course.  Ha  !  Ha  !  Wonder 
I  didn't  think  of  that,"  laughed  Thad- 
deus,  though  his  mirth  did  seem  a  lit 
tle  forced.  ' '  But — she's — she's  going  to 
change,  I  suppose  ?" 

"  She  said  she'd  try,"  Bessie  replied. 
"She  was  really  so  very  nice  about  it,  I 
hadn't  the  heart  to  scold  her." 

"I'm  glad,"  was  all  Thaddeus  said,  and 
during  the  rest  of  the  meal  he  was  silent. 
Once  or  twice  he  seemed  on  the  verge  of 
saying  something,  but  apparently  changed 
his  mind. 

"Are  you  tired  to-night,  dear?"  said 
Bessie,  as  the  dessert  was  served. 

"  No.     Why  ?"  said  Thaddeus,  shortly. 

"  Oh,  nothing.  I  thought  you  seemed 
a  little  so,"  Bessie  answered.  "  You 
mustn't  work  too  hard  down-town." 

"  No,  my  dear  girl,"  he  said.    "  I  won't, 


10  PASTE    JEWELS 

and  I  don't.  I  was  thinking  all  through 
dinner  about  those  girls  down-stairs.  Per 
haps — perhaps  I  had  better  talk  to  them, 
eh  ?  You  are  so  awfully  kind-hearted, 
and  it  does  seem  to  me  as  though  they 
imposed  a  little  on  you,  that's  all.  The 
salad  to-night  was  atrocious.  It  should 
have  been  kept  on  the  ice,  instead  of 
which  it  comes  to  the  table  looking  like  a 
last  year's  bouquet." 

Bessie's  eyes  grew  watery.  "  I'm  afraid 
it  was  my  fault/'  she  said.  "  I  ought  to 
have  looked  after  the  salad  myself.  I  al 
ways  did  at  home.  I  suppose  Jane  got  it 
out  expecting  me  to  prepare  it." 

"  Oh,  well,  never  mind,"  said  Thad- 
deus,  desirous  of  soothing  the  troubled 
soul  of  his  wife.  "  I  wouldn't  have  men 
tioned  it,  only  Jane  does  too  much  think 
ing,  in  a  thoughtless  way,  anyhow.  Ser 
vants  aren't  paid  to  think." 

"Til  tell  you  what,  Thaddeus,"  said 
Bessie,  her  spirits  returning,  "we  are 
just  as  much  to  blame  as  they  are  ;  we've 
taken  too  much  for  granted,  and  so  have 


<t 
(t 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  17 

they.  Suppose  we  spend  the  evening 
putting  together  a  set  of  rules  for  the 
management  of  the  house  ?  It  will  be 
lots  of  fun,  and  perhaps  it  will  do  the 
girls  good.  They  ought  to  understand 
that  while  our  parents  have  had  their 
ways — and  reasonable  Avays — there  is  no 
reason  why  we  should  not  have  our  ways." 
In  other  words,"  said  Thaddens, 

what  we  want  to  draw  up  is  a  sort  of 
Declaration  of  Independence." 

"That's  it,  exactly,"  Bessie  replied. 

t(  Better  get  a  slate  and  write  them  on 
that,"  suggested  Thaddeus,  with  a  broad 
grin.  "  Then  we  can  rub  out  whatever 
Jane  and  Ellen  don't  like." 

"  I  hate  you  when  you  are  sarcastic," 
said  Bessie,  with  a  pout,  and  then  she 
ran  for  her  pad  and  pencil. 

The  evening  was  passed  as  she  had  sug 
gested,  and  when  they  retired  that  night 
the  house  of  Perkins  was  provided  with 
a  constitution  and  by-laws. 

"I  don't  suppose  I  shall  recognize  my 
surroundings  when  I  get  back  home  to- 


18  PASTE    JEWELS 

night/''  said  Thaddeus,  when  he  waked  up 
in  the  morning. 

"Why  not?"  asked  Bessie.  "What 
strange  transformation  is  there  to  be  ?" 

"  The  discipline  will  be  so  strict/'  an 
swered  Thaddeus.  "I  presume  you  will 
put  those  rules  of  ours  into  operation 
right  away  ?" 

"I  have  been  thinking  about  that/7 
said  Bessie,  after  a  moment.  "You  see, 
Thad,  there  are  a  great  many  things 
about  running  a  house  that  neither  you 
nor  I  are  familiar  with  yet,  and  it  seems 
to  me  that  maybe  we'd  better  wait  a  little 
while  before  we  impose  these  rules  on  the 
girls  ;  it  would  be  awkward  to  have  to 
make  changes  afterwards,  you  know." 

"  There  is  something  in  that,"  said 
Thaddeus;  "but,  after  all,  not  so  much 
as  you  seem  to  think.  All  rules  have  ex 
ceptions.  I've  no  doubt  that  the  cook 
will  take  exception  to  most  of  them." 

"  That's  what  I'm  afraid  of,  and  as  she's 
so  old  I  kind  of  feel  as  if  I  ought  to  re 
spect  her  feelings  a  little  more  than  we 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  19 

would  Norah's,  for  instance.  I  can  just 
tell  you  I  shall  make  Norah  stand  around." 

"  I  think  it  would  be  a  good  plan  if  you 
did/'  said  Thaddeus.  "  I'm  afraid  Norah 
will  die  if  you  don't.  She  works  too  hard 
to  be  a  real  servant — real  servants  stand 
around  so  much,  you  know/' 

"  Don't  be  flippant,  Thaddeus.  This  is 
a  very  serious  matter.  Norah  is  a  good 
girl,  as  you  say.  She  works  so  much  and 
so  quickly  that  she  really  makes  me  tired, 
and  I'm  constantly  oppressed  with  the 
thought  that  she  may  get  through  with 
whatever  she  is  doing  before  I  can  think 
of  something  else  to  occupy  her  time. 
But  with  her  we  need  have  none  of  the 
feeling  that  we  have  with  Jane  and  Ellen. 
She  is  young,  and  susceptible  to  new  im 
pressions.  She  can  fall  in  with  new  rules, 
while  the  other  two  might  chafe  under 
them.  Now,  I  say  we  wait  until  we  find 
out  if  we  cannot  let  well  enough  alone, 
and  not  raise  discord  in  our  home." 

"  There  never  was  an  Eden  without  its 
serpent/'  sighed  Thaddeus.  "I  don't  ex- 


20  PASTE    JEWELS 

actly  like  the  idea  of  fitting  our  rules  to 
their  idiosyncrasies." 

"It  isn't  that,  dear.  I  don't  want  that, 
either  ;  but  neither  do  we  wish  to  unnec 
essarily  hamper  them  in  their  work  by  de 
manding  that  they  shall  do  it  our  way." 

"  Oh,  well,  you  are  the  President  of 
this  Republic,"  said  Thaddeus.  "You 
run  matters  to  suit  yourself,  and  I  believe 
we'll  have  the  most  prosperous  institution 
in  the  world  before  we  know  it.  If  it 
were  a  business  matter,  I'd  have  those 
rules  or  die ;  but  I  suppose  you  can't  run 
a  house  as  you  would  a  business  concern. 
I  guess  you  are  right.  Keep  the  rules  a 
week.  Why  not  submit  'em  to  your  moth 
er  first  ?" 

"  I  thought  of  that/'  said  Bessie.  "  But 
then  it  occurred  to  rne  that  as  Ellen  had 
served  always  under  your  mother,  it  would 
be  better  if  we  consulted  her." 

"  I  don't,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  She'd  be 
sure  to  tell  you  not  to  have  any  rules, 
or,  if  she  didn't,  she  would  advise  you 
to  consult  with  the  cook  in  the  matter, 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  21 

which  would  result  in.  Ellen's  becoming 
President,  and  you  and  I  taxpayers.  She 
used  to  run  our  old  house,  and  now  see 
the  consequences  \" 

"What  are  the  consequences  ?"  asked 
Bessie. 

"  Mother  and  father  have  been  driven 
into  a  hotel,  and  the  children  have  all 
been  married." 

"  That's  awful,"  laughed  Bessie. 

And  so  the  rules  were  filed  away  for 
future  reference.  That  they  would  have 
remained  on  file  for  an  indefinite  period 
if  Thaddeus  had  not  asked  a  friend  to 
spend  a  few  weeks  with  him,  I  do  not 
doubt.  Bessie  grew  daily  more  mistrust 
ful  of  their  value,  and  Thaddeus  himself 
preferred  the  comfort  of  a  quiet  though 
somewhat  irregular  mode  of  living  to  the 
turmoil  likely  to  follow  the  imposition 
of  obnoxious  regulations  upon  the  aris 
tocrats  below-stairs.  But  the  coming  of 
Thaddeus's  friend  made  a  difference. 

The  friend  was  an  elderly  man,  with 
a  business  and  a  system.  He  was  a  man, 


22  PASTE    JEWELS 

for  instance,  who  all  his  life  had  break 
fasted  at  seven,  lunched  at  one,  and  dined 
at  six  -  thirty,  of  which  Thaddeus  was 
aware  when  he  invited  him  to  make  his 
suburban  home  his  headquarters  while 
his  own  house  was  being  renovated  and 
his  family  abroad.  Thaddeus  was  also 
aware  that  the  breakfast  and  dinner  hours 
under  Bessie's  regime  were  nominally  those 
of  his  friend,  and  so  he  was  able  to  assure 
Mr.  Liscomb  that  his  coming  would  in 
no  way  disturb  the  usual  serenity  of  the 
domestic  pond.  The  trusting  friend  came. 
Breakfast  number  one  was  served  fifteen 
minutes  after  the  hour,  and  for  the  first 
time  in  ten  years  Mr.  Liscomb  was  late  in 
arriving  at  his  office.  He  had  not  quite 
recovered  from  the  chagrin  consequent 
upon  his  tardiness  when  that  evening  he 
sat  down  to  dinner  at  Thaddeus's  house, 
served  an  hour  and  ten  minutes  late,  El 
len  having  been  summoned  by  wire  to 
town  to  buy  a  pair  of  shoes  for  one  of  her 
sister's  children,  the  sister  herself  suffer 
ing  from  poverty  and  toothache. 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  THADDEUS     23 

"  I  hope  you  were  not  delayed  serious 
ly  this  morning,,  Mr.  Liscomb,,"  said  Bes 
sie,  after  dinner. 

"  Oh  no,  not  at  all  !"  returned  Liscomb, 
polite  enough  to  tell  an  untruth,  although 
its  opposite  was  also  a  part  of  his  system. 

"  Ellen  must  be  more  prompt  with 
breakfast, "said Thaddeus.  "Seven,  sharp, 
is  the  hour.  Did  you  speak  to  her  about 
it?" 

"  No,  but  I  intend  to,"  answered  Bes 
sie.  "  I'll  tell  her  the  first  thing  after 
breakfast  to  -  morrow.  I  meant  to  have 
spoken  about  it  to-day,  but  when  I  got 
down-stairs  she  had  gone  out." 

"  Was  it  her  day  out  ?" 

"No;  but  her  sister  is  sick,  and  she 
was  sent  for.  It  was  all  right.  She  left 
word  where  she  was  going  with  Jane." 

"  That  was  very  considerate  of  her," 
said  Liscomb,  politely. 

"  Yes,"  said  Bessie.  "  Ellen's  a  splen 
did  woman." 

Later  on  in  the  evening,  about  half- 
past  nine,  when  Mr.  Liscomb,  wearied 


24  PASTE    JEWELS 

with  the  excitement  of  the  first  irregular 
day  he  had  known  from  boyhood,  retired, 
Thaddeus  took  occasion  to  say  : 

"  Bessie,  I  think  you'd  better  tell  El 
len  about  having  breakfast  promptly  in 
the  morning  to-night,  before  we  go  to 
bed." 

"  Very  well,"  returned  Bessie,  "  I'll  go 
down  now  and  do  it  ;"  and  down  she 
went.  In  a  moment  she  was  back.  "The 
poor  thing  was  so  tired,"  she  said,  "that 
she  went  to  bed  as  soon  as  dinner  was 
cooked,  so  I  couldn't  tell  her." 

"  Why  didn't  you  send  up  word  to  her 
by  Jane  ?" 

"  Oh,  she  must  be  asleep  by  this  time  !" 

"Oh  !"said  Thaddeus. 

It  was  nine  o'clock  the  next  morning 
when  Ellen  opened  her  eyes.  Breakfast 
had  been  served  a  half-hour  earlier,  Jane 
and  Bessie  having  cooked  some  eggs, 
which  Bessie  ate  alone,  since  Thaddeus 
and  Liscomb  were  compelled  to  take  the 
eight-o'clock  train  to  town,  hungry  and 
forlorn.  Liscomb  was  very  good-natured 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TIIADDEUS  25 

about  it  to  Thaddeus,  but  his  book-keeper 
had  a  woful  tale  to  tell  of  his  employer's 
irritability  when  he  returned  home  that 
night.  As  for  Thaddeus,  he  spoke  his 
mind  very  plainly  —  to  Liscomb.  Bessie 
never  knew  what  he  said,  nor  did  any  of 
the  servants ;  but  he  said  it  to  Liscomb, 
and,  as  Liscomb  remarked  later,  he  seemed 
like  somebody  else  altogether  while  speak 
ing,  he  was  so  fierce  and  determined  about 
it  all.  That  night  a  telegram  came  from 
Liscomb,  saying  that  he  had  been  unex 
pectedly  delayed,  and  that,  as  there  were 
several  matters  requiring  his  attention  at 
his  own  home,  he  thought  he  would  not 
be  up  again  until  Sunday. 

Bessie  was  relieved,  and  Thaddeus  was 
mad. 

"  We  must  have  those  rules,"  he  said. 

And  so  they  were  brought  out.  Ellen 
received  them  with  stolid  indifference  ; 
Jane  with  indignation,  if  the  slamming 
of  doors  in  various  parts  of  the  house  that 
day  betokened  anything.  Norah  accept 
ed  them  without  a  murmur.  It  made  no 


26  PASTE    JEWELS 

difference  to  Norah.  on  what  day  she 
swept  the  parlor,  nor  did  she  seem  to 
care  very  much  because  her  "days  at 
home"  were  shifted,  so  that  her  day  out 
was  Friday  instead  of  Thursday. 

"  Has  Ellen  said  anything  about  the 
rules,  my  dear  ?"  asked  Thaddeus,  a  week 
or  two  later. 

"Not  a  word,"  returned  Bessie. 

"  Has  she  '  looked'  anything  ?" 

"  Volumes/'  Bessie  answered. 

"  Does  she  take  exception  to  any  of 
them  ?" 

"No,"  said  Bessie,  "and  I've  discov 
ered  why,  too.  She  hasn't  read  them." 

Thaddeus  Avas  silent  for  a  minute. 
Then  he  said,  quite  firmly  for  him,  "She 
must  read  them." 

"Must  is  a  strong  word,  Teddy,"  Bes 
sie  replied,  "  particularly  since  Ellen  can't 
read." 

"  Then  you  ought  to  read  them  to  her." 

"That's  what  I  think,"  Bessie  an 
swered,  amiably.  "I'm  going  to  do  it 
very  soon — day  after  to-morrow,  I  guess." 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TEIADDEUS  27 

"  What  has  Jane  said  ?"  asked  Thad- 
deus,  biting  his  lip. 

Bessie  colored.  Jane  had  expressed 
herself  with  considerable  force,  and  Bes 
sie  had  been  a  little  afraid  to  tell  Thad- 
deus  what  she  had  said  and  done. 

"  Oh,  nothing  much/'  she  answered. 
"  She — she  said  she'd  never  worn  caps 
like  a  common  servant,  and  wasn't  going 
to  begin  now  ;  and  then  she  didn't  like 
having  to  clean  the  silver  on  Saturday 
afternoons,  because  the  silver-powder  got 
into  her  finger-nails ;  and  that  really  is 
too  bad,  Teddy,  because  Saturday  night  is 
the  night  her  friends  come  to  call,  and 
silver-powder  is  awfully  hard  to  get  out 
of  your  nails,  you  know  ;  and,  of  course, 
a  girl  wants  to  appear  neat  and  clean  when 
she  has  callers." 

"  Of  course,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  And  I 
judge  by  the  appearance  of  the  brass 
fenders  that  she  doesn't  like  to  polish 
them  up  on  Wednesday  because  it  gives 
her  a  backache  on  Thursday,  which  is 
her  day  out." 


28  PASTE    JEWELS 

Bessie's  eyes  took  on  their  watery  aspect 
again. 

"Do  the  fenders  look  so  very  badly, 
Ted  ?"  she  asked. 

"They're  atrocious/'  said  Thaddeus. 

"  I'm  sorry,  dear  ;  but  I  did  my  best. 
I  polished  them  myself  this  afternoon  ; 
Jane  had  to  go  to  a  funeral." 

"Oh,  my!"  cried  Thaddeus.  "This 
subject's  too  much  for  me.  Let's  go  out 
—  somewhere,  anywhere — to  a  concert. 
Music  hath  its  charms  to  soothe  a  savage 
breast,  and  my  breast  is  simply  the  very 
essence  of  wildness  to  -  night.  Put  on 
your  things,  Bess,  and  hurry,  or  I'll  suffo 
cate." 

Bessie  did  as  she  was  told,  and  before 
ten  o'clock  the  happy  pair  had  forgotten 
their  woes,  nor  do  I  think  they  would 
have  remembered  them  again  that  night 
had  they  not  found  on  their  return  home 
that  they  were  locked  out. 

At  this  even  the  too  amiable  Bessie 
was  angry — very  angry — unjustly,  as  it 
turned  out  afterwards. 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    TIIADDEUS  29 

"  They  weren't  to  blame,  after  all," 
she  explained  to  Thaddeus,  when  he  came 
home  the  next  night.  "  I  spoke  to  them 
about  it,  and  they  all  thought  we'd  spend 
the  night  with  your  mother  and  father 
at  the  Oxford." 

"  They're  a  thoughtful  lot,"  said  Thad 
deus. 

And  so  time  passed.  The  "  treasures" 
did  as  they  pleased  ;  the  dubious  auburn- 
haired  Norah  continued  her  aggravating 
efficiency.  Bessie's  days  were  spent  in  an 
ticipation  of  an  interview  of  an  unpleas 
ant  nature  with  Jane  or  Ellen  "  to-mor 
row."  Thaddeus's  former  smile  grew  less 
perpetual  —  that  is,  it  was  always  visi 
ble  when  Bessie  was  before  him,  but 
when  Bessie  was  elsewhere,  so  also  was 
the  token  of  Thaddeus's  amiability.  He 
chafed  under  the  tyranny,  but  it  never 
occurred  to  him  but  once  that  it  would 
be  well  for  him  to  interview  Ellen  and 
Jane  ;  and  then,  summoning  them  fierce 
ly,  he  addressed  them  mildly,  ended  the 
audience  with  a  smile,  and  felt  him- 


30  PASTE    JEWELS 

self  beneath  their  sway  more  than 
ever. 

Then  something  happened.  A  day 
came  and  went,,  and  the  morrow  thereof 
found  Thaddeus  dethroned  from  even  his 
nominal  position  of  head  of  the  house. 
There  was  a  young  Thaddeus,  an  eight- 
pound  Thaddeus,  a  round,  red-cheeked, 
bald-headed  Thaddeus  that  looked  more 
like  the  Thaddeus  of  old  than  Thaddeus 
did  himself  ;  and  then,  at  a  period  in 
which  man  feels  himself  the  least  among 
the  insignificant,  did  our  hero  find  happi 
ness  unalloyed  once  more,  for  to  the  pride 
of  being  a  father  was  added  the  satisfac 
tion  of  seeing  Jane  and  Ellen  acknowl 
edge  a  superior.  Make  no  mistake,  you 
who  read.  It  was  not  to  Thaddeus  junior 
that  these  gems  bowed  down.  It  was  to 
the  good  woman  who  came  in  to  care  for 
the  little  one  and  his  mother  that  they 
humbled  themselves. 

"She's  great,"  said  Thaddeus  to  him 
self,  as  he  watched  Jane  bustling  about 
to  obey  the  command  of  the  temporary 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  31 

mistress  of  the  situation  as  she  had  never 
bustled  before. 

"  She's  a  second  Elizabeth/'  chuckled 
Thaddeus,  as  he  listened  to  an  order 
passed  down  the  dumb-waiter  shaft  from 
the  stout  empress  of  the  moment  to  the 
trembling  queen  of  the  kitchen. 

"  She's  a  little  dictatorial/7  whispered 
Thaddeus  to  his  newspaper,  when  the 
monarch  of  all  she  surveyed  gave  him  liis 
orders.  "But  there  are  times,  even  in  a 
Kepublic  like  this,  when  a  dictator  is  an 
advantage.  I  hate  to  see  a  woman  cry, 
but  the  way  Jane  wept  at  the  routing  Mrs. 
Brown  gave  her  this  morning  was  a  finer 
sight  than  Niagara." 

But,  alas  !  this  happy  state  of  affairs 
could  not  last  forever.  Thaddeus  was 
just  beginning  to  get  on  easy  terms  with 
Mrs.  Brown  when  she  was  summoned 
elsewhere. 

"  Change  of  heir  is  necessary  for  one 
in  her  profession/' sighed  Thaddeus  ;  and 
then,  when  he  thought  of  resuming  the 
reins  himself,  he  sighed  again,  and  wished 


82  PASTE    JEWELS 

that  Mrs.  Brown  might  have  remained  a 
fixture  in  the  household  forever.  "  Still," 
he  added,  more  to  comfort  himself  than 
because  he  had  any  decided  convictions 
to  express — "still,  a  baby  in  the  house 
will  make  a  difference,  and  Ellen  and 
Jane  will  behave  better  now  that  Bes 
sie's  added  responsibilities  put  them  more 
npon  their  honor." 

For  a  time  Thaddeus's  prophecy  was  cor 
rect.  Ellen  and  Jane  did  do  better  for  near 
ly  two  months,  and  then — but  why  repeat 
the  old  story  ?  Then  they  lapsed,  that  is 
all,  and  became  more  tyrannical  than  ever. 
Bessie  was  so  busy  with  little  Ted  that  the 
household  affairs  outside  of  the  nursery 
carne  under  their  exclusive  control.  Thad- 
deus  stood  it — I  was  going  to  say  nobly, 
but  I  think  it  were  better  put  ignobly — 
but  he  had  a  good  excuse  for  so  doing. 

(( A  baby  is  an  awful  care  to  its  mother/' 
he  said;  "a  responsibility  that  takes  up 
her  whole  time  and  attention.  I  don't 
think  I'd  better  complicate  matters  by 
getting  into  a  row  with  the  servants." 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  33 

And  so  it  went.  A  year  and  another 
year  passed.  The  pretty  home  was  begin 
ning  to  look  old.  The  bloom  of  its  youth 
had  most  improperly  faded— for  surely  a 
home  should  never  fade — but  there  was 
the  boy,  a  growing  delight  to  his  father, 
so  why  complain  ?  Better  this  easy-going 
life  than  one  of  domestic  contention. 

Then  on  a  sudden  the  boy  fell  ill.  The 
doctor  came — shook  his  head  gravely. 

"You  must  take  him  to  the  sea-shore/' 
he  said.  "It  is  his  only  chance." 

And  to  the  sea-shore  they  went,  leaving 
the  house  in  charge  of  the  treasures. 

"  I  have  confidence  in  you,"  said  Thad- 
deus  to  Jane  and  Ellen  on  the  morning  of 
the  departure;  "so  I  have  decided  to  leave 
the  house  open  in  your  care.  Mrs.  Perkins 
wants  you  to  keep  it  as  you  would  if  she 
were  here.  Whatever  you  need  to  make 
yourselves  comfortable,  you  may  get. 
Good-bye." 

"What  a  comfort  it  is,"  said  Bessie, 
when  they  had  reached  the  sea-shore,  and 
were  indulging  in  their  first  bit  of  that 


34  PASTE    JEWELS 

woful  luxury,  homesickness  —  "what  a 
comfort  it  is  to  feel  that  the  girls  are  there 
to  look  after  things  !  An  empty  house  is 
such  a  temptation  to  thieves." 

"  Yes,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  I  hope  they 
won't  entertain  too  much,  though." 

"Ellen  and  Jane  are  too  old  for  that 
sort  of  thing,"  Bessie  answered. 

"How  about  Norah  ?" 

"Oh,  I  forgot  to  tell  you.  There  was 
nothing  really  for  Norah  to  do,  so  I  told 
her  she  could  go  off  and  stay  with  her 
mother  on  board-wages." 

"  Good  !"  said  Thaddeus,  with  a  pleased 
smile.  "  It  isn't  a  bad  idea  to  save,  par 
ticularly  when  you  are  staying  at  the  sea 
shore." 

In  this  contented  frame  of  mind  they 
lived  for  several  weeks.  The  boy  grew 
stronger  every  day,  and  finally  Thaddeus 
felt  that  the  child  was  well  enough  to 
warrant  his  running  back  home  for  a 
night,  "just  to  see  how  things  were  go 
ing."  That  the  girls  were  faithful,  of 
course,  he  did  not  doubt ;  the  regularity 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  THADDEUS     35 

with  which  letters  addressed  to  him  at 
home — and  they  were  numerous — reached 
him  convinced  him  of  that;  but  the  ham 
per  containing  the  week's  wash,  which 
Ellen  and  Jane  were  to  send,  and  which 
had  been  expected  on  Thursday  of  the 
preceding  week,  had  failed  for  once  to  ar 
rive  ;  the  boy  had  worn  one  dress  four 
days,  Thaddeus's  collars  were  getting  low, 
and  altogether  he  was  just  a  little  uneasy 
about  things.  So  he  availed  himself  of  his 
opportunity  and  went  home,  taking  with 
him  a  friend,  in  consideration  of  whom  he 
telegraphed  ahead  to  Ellen  to  prepare  a 
good  breakfast,  not  caring  for  dinner, 
since  he  and  his  companion  expected  to 
dine  at  the  club  and  go  to  the  theatre  be 
fore  going  out  to  his  home. 

The  result  would  have  been  fatal  to 
Bessie's  peace  of  mind  had  she  heard  of 
it  during  her  absence  from  home.  But 
Thaddeus  never  told  her,  until  it  was  a 
matter  of  ancient  history,  that  when  he 
arrived  at  home,  a  little  after  midnight, 
he  found  the  place  deserted,  and  was  com- 


36  PASTE    JEWELS 

pelled  to  usher  his  friend  in  through  the 
parlor  window  ;  that  from  top  to  bottom 
the  mansion  gave  evidence  of  not  having 
seen  a  broom  or  a  dust-brush  since  the 
departure  of  the  family  ;  that  Jane  had 
not  been  seen  in  the  neighborhood  for  one 
full  week — this  came  from  those  living  on 
adjoining  property  ;  that  Ellen  had  been 
absent  since  early  that  morning,  and  was 
not  expected  to  return  for  three  days  ; 
and,  crowning  act  of  infamy,  that  he, 
Thaddeus,  and  his  friend  were  compelled 
to  breakfast  next  morning  upon  a  half  of 
a  custard  pie,  a  bit  mouldy,,  found  by  the 
lord  of  the  manor  on  the  fast-melting  re 
mains  of  a  cake  of  ice  in  the  refrigerator. 
Whether  it  would  have  happened  if  Thad- 
deus  had  not  been  accompanied  by  a 
friend,  whose  laughter  incited  him  to 
great  deeds,  or  not  I  am  not  prepared  to 
say,  but  something  important  did  hap 
pen.  Thaddeus  rose  to  the  occasion,  and 
committed  an  act,  and  committed  it  thor 
oughly.  The  Thaddeus  of  old,  the  meek, 
long-suffering,  too  amiable  Thaddeus,  dis- 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  87 

appeared.  The  famous  smile  was  given  no 
chance  to  play.  His  wife  was  absent,  and 
the  smile  was  far  away  with  her.  Thad 
deus,  with  one  fell  blow,  burst  his  fetters 
and  became  free. 

That  afternoon,  when  he  had  returned 
to  the  seaboard,  Bessie  asked  him,  "  How 
was  the  house  ?" 

"  Beautiful,"  said  Thaddeus,  quite 
truthfully  ;  for  it  was. 

"  Did  Ellen  say  anything  about  the 
hamper  ?" 

"Not  a. word." 

"Did  you  speak  to  her  about  it  ?" 

4 'Nope." 

"  Oh,  Teddy  !     How  could  you  forget 

it  r 

To  the  lasting  honor  of  Thaddeus  be 
it  said  that  he  bore  up  under  this  un 
flinchingly. 

"  Did  you  have  a  good  breakfast,  Ted  ?" 
Bessie  asked,  returning  to  the  subject 
later. 

"  Very,"  said  Thaddeus,  thinking  of  the 
hearty  meal  he  and  his  fellow  -  sufferer 


38  PASTE    JEWELS 

had  eaten  at  the  club  after  getting  back 
to  town.  "  We  had  a  tomato  omelet,  cof 
fee,  toast,  rice  cakes,  tenderloin  steak,  and 
grits." 

"  Dear  me  I"  smiled  Bessie  ;  she  was  so 
glad  her  Teddy  had  been  so  well  treated. 
"All  that?  Ellen  must  have  laid  her 
self  out." 

"  Yes,"  said  Thaddeus  ;  "  I  think  she 
did." 

All  the  following  week  Thaddeus  seem 
ed  to  have  a  load  on  his  mind — a  load 
which  he  resolutely  refused  to  share  with 
his  wife — and  on  Friday  he  found  it  nec 
essary  to  go  up  to  town. 

"I  thought  this  was  your  vacation," 
remonstrated  Bessie. 

"  Well,  so  it  is,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  But 
— but  Pve  got  one  or  two  matters  to  at 
tend  to  —  matters  of  very  great  impor 
tance  —  so  that  I  think  Fll  have  to 

go-" 

"  If  you  must,  you  must,"  said  Bessie. 
"  But  I  think  it's  horrid  of  your  partner 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  39 

to  make  you  go  back  to  town  this  hot 
weather." 

"  Don't  be  cross  with  my  partner,"  said 
Thaddeus ;  "  especially  my  partner  in  this 
matter." 

"  Have  you  different  partners  for  dif 
ferent  matters  ?"  queried  Bessie. 

"  Never  mind  about  that,  my  dear ; 
you'll  know  all  about  it  in  time,  so  don't 
worry." 

"All  right,  Teddy.  But  I  don't  like 
to  have  you  running  away  from  me  when 
I'm  at  a  hotel.  I'd  rather  be  home,  any 
how.  Can't  I  go  with  you  ?  Little  Ted 
is  well  enough  now  to  go  home." 

"  Not  this  time  ;  but  you  can  go  up 
next  Wednesday  if  you  wish,"  returned 
Thaddeus,  with  a  slight  show  of  embar 
rassment. 

And  so  it  was  settled,  and  Thaddeus 
went  to  town.  On  Wednesday  they  all 
left  the  sea-shore  to  return  to  Phillipse- 
burg. 

"  Oh,  how  lovely  it  looks  !"  ejaculated 
Bessie,  as  she  entered  the  house,  Norah 


40  PASTE    JEWELS 

having  opened  the  door.  "But  —  er  — 
where's  Jane,  Norah  ?" 

"  Cookin'  the  dinner,  mini." 

"  Why,  Jane  can't  cook." 

"It  you  please,  mim,  this  is  a  new  Jane." 

Bessie's  parasol  fell  to  the  floor.  "A 
wha-a-at  ?"  she  cried. 

"  A  new  Jane.  Misther  Perkins  has  dis- 
pinsed  with  old  Jane  and  Ellen,  mim." 

Bessie  rushed  lip-stairs  to  her  room  and 
cried.  The  shock  was  too  sudden.  She 
longed  for  Thaddeus,  who  had  remained 
at  the  station  collecting  the  bath-tubs  and 
other  luxuries  of  the  baby  from  the  lug 
gage-van,  to  come.  What  did  it  all  mean  ? 
Jane  and  Ellen  gone  !  New  girls  in  their 
places  ! 

And  then  Thaddeus  came,  and  made  all 
plain  to  the  little  woman,  and  when  he  was 
all  through  she  was  satisfied.  He  had  dis 
charged  the  tyrants,  and  had  supplied 
their  places.  The  latter  was  the  impor 
tant  business  which  had  taken  him  to  town. 

"But,  Teddy,"  Bessie  said,  with  a 
smile,  when  she  had  heard  all,  "  how  did 


THE    EMANCIPATION    OF    THADDEUS  41 

poor  mild  little  you  ever  have  the  courage 
to  face  those  two  women  and  give  them 
their  discharge  ?" 

Teddy  blushed.  "I  didn't,"  he  an 
swered,  meekly  ;  "  I  wrote  it." 

Five  years  have  passed  since  then,  and 
all  has  gone  well.  Thaddeus  has  remained 
free,  and,  as  he  proudly  observes,  domes 
tics  now  tremble  at  his  approach — that  is, 
all  except  Norah,  who  remembers  him  as 
of  old.  Ellen  and  Jane  are  living  togeth 
er  in  affluence,  having  saved  their  wages 
for  nearly  the  whole  of  their  term  of 
"service."  Bessie  is  happy  in  the  posses 
sion  of  two  fine  boys,  to  whom  all  her  at 
tention  —  all  save  a  little  reserved  for 
Thaddeus — is  given;  and,  as  for  the  dubi 
ous,  auburn-haired,  and  distinctly  Celtic 
Norah,  Thaddeus  is  afraid  that  she  is  de 
veloping  into  a  "  treasure." 

"  Why  do  you  think  so  ?"  Bessie  asked 
him,  when  he  first  expressed  that  fear. 

"  Oh,  she  has  the  symptoms,"  returned 
Thaddeus.  "  She  has  taken  three  nights 
off  this  week." 


MR.   BRADLEY'S  JEWEL 


MR.  BRADLEY'S   JEWEL 

THADDEUS  was  tired,  and,  therefore, 
Thaddens  was  grumpy.  One  premise  only 
was  necessary  for  the  conclusion — in  fact, 
it  was  the  only  premise  upon  which  a  con 
clusion  involving  Thaddeus's  grumpiness 
could  find  a  foothold.  If  Thaddeus  felt 
rested,  everything  in  the  world  could  go 
wrong  and  he  would  smile  as  sweetly  as 
ever  ;  but  with  the  slightest  trace  of  weari 
ness  in  his  system  the  smile  would  fade, 
wrinkles  would  gather  on  his  forehead, 
and  grumpiness  set  in  whether  things  were 
right  or  wrong.  On  this  special  occasion 
to  which  I  refer,  things  were  just  wrong 
enough  to  give  him  a  decent  excuse — out 
side  of  his  weariness — for  his  irritation. 
Norah,  the  housemaid,  had  officiously  un 
dertaken  to  cover  up  the  shortcomings 


46  PASTE    JEWELS 

of  John,  who  should  have  blacked  Thad- 
deus's  boots,  and  who  had  taken  his  day 
off  without  preparing  the  extra  pair  which 
the  lord  of  the  manor  had  expected  to 
wear  that  evening.  It  was  nice  of  the 
housemaid,  of  course,  to  try  to  black  the 
extra  pair  to  keep  John  out  of  trouble, 
but  she  might  have  been  more  discrimi 
nating.  It  was  not  necessary  for  her  to 
polish,  until  they  shone  like  Claude  Lor 
raine  glasses,  two  right  boots,  one  of 
which,  paradoxical  as  it  may  seem,  was 
consequently  the  wrong  boot ;  so  that 
when  Thaddeus  came  to  dress  for  the 
evening's  diversion  there  was  nowhere  to 
be  found  in  his  shoe-box  a  bit  of  leathern 
gear  in  which  his  left  foot  might  appear 
in  polite  society  to  advantage.  Possibly 
Thaddeus  might  have  endured  the  pain 
of  a  right  boot  on  a  left  foot,  had  not 
Norah  unfortunately  chosen  for  that 
member  a  box  -  toed  boot,  while  for 
the  right  she  had  selected  one  with  a 
very  decided  acute  angle  at  its  toe- 
end. 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  47 

"  Just  like  a  woman  \"  ejaculated  Thad- 
deus,  angrily. 

"Yes/'  returned  Bessie,  missing  Thad- 
deus's  point  slightly.  "It  was  very 
thoughtful  of  Norah  to  look  after  John's 
work,  knowing  how  important  it  was  to 
you." 

Fortunately  Thaddeus  was  out  of  breath 
trying  to  shine  up  the  other  pointed -toe 
shoe,  so  that  his  only  reply  to  this  was  a 
look,  which  Bessie,  absorbed  as  she  was  in 
putting  the  studs  in  Thaddeus's  shirt,  did 
not  see.  If  she  had  seen  it,  I  doubt  if  she 
would  have  been  so  entirely  happy  as  the 
tender  little  song  she  was  humming  soft 
ly  to  herself  seemed  to  indicate  that  she 
was. 

"  Some  people  are  born  lucky  !"  growled 
Thaddeus,  as  he  finished  rubbing  up  the 
left  boot,  giving  it  a  satin  finish  which 
hardly  matched  the  luminous  brilliance  of 
its  mate,  though  he  said  it  would  do. 
"  There's  Bradley,  now  :  he  never  has  any 
domestic  woes  of  this  sort,  and  he  pays 
just  half  what  we  do  for  his  servants." 


48  PASTE    JEWELS 

«  Oh,  Mr.  Bradley.  I  don't  like  him  !" 
ejaculated  Bessie.  "  You  are  always  talk 
ing  about  Mr.  Bradley,  as  if  he  had  an 
automaton  for  a  servant." 

"No,  I  don't  say  he  has  an  automaton," 
returned  Thaddeus.  "  Automatons  don't 
often  work,  and  Bradley's  jewel  does.  Her 
name  is  Mary,  but  Bradley  always  calls  her 
his  jewel." 

"I've  heard  of  jewels,"  said  Bessie, 
thinking  of  the  two  Thaddeus  and  she 
had  begun  their  married  life  with,  "  but 
they've  always  seemed  to  me  to  be  paste 
emeralds — awfully  green,  and  not  worth 
much." 

"  There's  no  paste  emerald  about  Brad- 
ley's  girl,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  Why,  he 
says  that  woman  has  been  in  Mrs.  Brad- 
ley's  employ  for  seven  weeks  now,  and  she 
hasn't  broken  a  bit  of  china ;  never  sweeps 
dust  under  the  beds  or  bureaus  ;  keeps  the 
silver  polished  so  that  it  looks  as  if  it  were 
solid ;  gets  up  at  six  every  morning ;  cooks 
well ;  is  civil,  sober,  industrious  ;  has  no 
hangers-on — " 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  49 

"Is  Mr.  Bradley  a  realist  or  a  roman 
cer  ?"  asked  Bessie. 

"  Why  do  you  ask  that  ?"  replied  Thad- 
deus. 

"  That  jewel  story  sounds  like  an  Ara 
bian  Nights  tale/'  said  Bessie.  "  I  don't 
believe  that  it  is  more  than  half  true,  and 
that  half  is  exaggerated." 

"Well,  it  is  true,"  said  Thaddeus. 
"And,  what  is  more,  the  girl  helps  in  the 
washing,  plays  with  the  children,  and  on 
her  days  out  she  stays  at  home  and  does 
sewing." 

Bessie  laughed.  "She  must  be  a  reg 
ular  Koh-i-noor,"  she  said.  "  I  suppose 
Mr.  Bradley  pays  her  a  thousand  dollars  a 
month." 

"No,  he  doesn't;  he  pays  her  twelve," 
said  Thaddeus. 

"  Then  he  is  just  what  I  said  he  was," 
snapped  Bessie — "a  mean  thing.  The  idea 
— twelve  dollars  a  month  for  all  that ! 
Why,  if  she  could  prove  she  was  all  that 
you  say  she  is,  she  could  make  ten  times 
that  amount  by  exhibiting  herself.  She  is 


50  PASTE    JEWELS 

a  curiosity.  But  if  I  were  Mrs.  Bradley  I 
wouldn't  have  her  in  the  house.  So  many 
virtues  piled  one  on  the  other  are  sure  to 
make  an  unsafe  structure,  and  I  believe 
some  poor,  miserable  little  vice  will  crop 
out  somewhere  and  upset  the  whole  thing." 

"  You  are  jealous,"  said  Thaddeus ;  arid 
then  he  went  out. 

The  next  day,  meeting  his  friend  Brad 
ley  on  the  street,  Thaddeus  greeted  him 
with  a  smile,  and  said,  "Mrs.  Perkins 
thinks  you  ought  to  take  up  literature." 

"  Why  so  ?"  asked  Bradley. 

"She  thinks  De  Foe  and  Scott  and 
Dumas  and  Stevenson  would  be  thrown 
into  the  depths  of  oblivion  if  you  were  to 
write  up  that  jewel  of  yours,"  said  Thad 
deus.  "  She  thinks  your  Mary  is  one  of 
the  finest,  most  imaginative  creations  of 
modern  days." 

"  She  doubts  her  existence,  eh  ?" 
smiled  Bradley. 

"  Well,  she  thinks  she's  more  likely  to 
be  a  myth  than  a  Smith,"  said  Thaddeus. 
"  She  told  me  to  ask  you  if  Mary  has  a 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  ol 

twin-sister,  and  to  say  that  if  you  hear  of 
her  having  any  relatives  at  all — and  no 
domestic  ever  lived  who  hadn't — to  send 
her  their  addresses.  She'd  like  to  employ 
a  few." 

"  I  am  sorry  Mrs.  Perkins  is  so  blinded 
by  jealousy/'  said  Bradley,  with  a  smile. 
"And  I  regret  to  say  that  Mary  hasn't  a 
cousin  on  the  whole  police  force,  or,  in 
fact,  any  kind  of  a  relative  whatsoever, 
unless  she  prevaricates." 

"  Too  bad,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  I  had  a 
vague  hope  we  could  stock  up  on  jewels 
of  her  kind.  Where  did  you  get  her,  any 
how—Tiffany's  ?" 

"  No.  At  an  unintelligence  office," 
said  Bradley.  "  She  was  a  last  resort. 
We  had  to  have  some  one,  and  she  was  the 
only  girl  there.  We  took  her  for  a  week 
on  trial  without  references,  and,  by  Jove  ! 
she  turned  out  a  wonder." 

Thaddeus  grinned,  and  said  :  "  Give 
her  time,  Bradley.  By-the-way,  at  what 
hours  is  she  on  exhibition  ?  I'd  like  to 
see  her." 


52  PASTE    JEWELS 

' '  Come  up  to-night  and  test  the  truth 
of  what  I  say,"  said  Bradley.  "  I  won't 
let  anybody  know  you  are  coming,  and 
you'll  see  her  just  as  we  see  her.  What 
do  you  say  ?" 

The  temptation  was  too  strong  for  Thad- 
deus  to  resist,  and  so  it  was  that  Bessie 
received  a  telegram  that  afternoon  from 
her  beloved,  stating  that  he  would  dine 
with  Bradley,  and  return  home  on  a  late 
train.  The  telegram  concluded  with  the 
line,  "I'm  going  to  appraise  the  escaped 
crown-jewel." 

Bessie  chuckled  at  this,  and  stayed  up 
until  long  after  the  arrival  of  the  last 
train,  so  interested  was  she  to  hear  from 
Thaddeus  all  about  the  Bradley  jewel, 
who,  as  she  said,  "seemed  too  good  to  be 
true";  but  she  was  finally  forced  to  re 
tire  disappointed  and  somewhat  anxious, 
for  Thaddeus  did  not  return  home  that 
night. 

Somewhere  in  the  neighborhood  of  eight 
o'clock  the  next  morning  Bessie  received 
a  second  telegram,  which  read  as  follows  : 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  53 

"Do  not  worry.  1  am  all  right.  Will 
be  home  about  nine.  Have  breakfast." 

"  Now  I  wonder  what  on  earth  can  have 
kep  thim  ?"  Bessie  said.  "Something  has 
happened,  I  am  sure.  Perhaps  an  accident 
on  the  elevated,  or  maybe — " 

She  did  not  finish  the  sentence,  but 
rushed  into  the  library  and  snatched  up 
the  morning  paper,  scanning  its  every 
column  in  the  expectation,  if  not  hope, 
of  finding  that  some  horrible  disaster  had 
occurred,  in  which  her  Thaddeus  might 
have  been  involved.  The  paper  disclosed 
nothing  of  the  sort.  Only  a  few  common 
place  murders,  the  usual  assortment  of 
defalcations,  baseball  prophecies,  and  po 
litical  prognostications  could  Bessie  dis 
cover  therein.  Never,  in  fact,  had  the 
newspaper  seemed  so  uninteresting — not 
even  a  bargain-counter  announcement  was 
there — and  with  an  impatient,  petulant 
stamp  of  her  little  foot  she  threw  the  jour 
nal  from  her  and  returned  to  the  dining- 
room.  It  was  then  half-past  eight,  and, 
hardly  able  to  contain  herself  with  excite- 


54  PASTE    JEWELS 

ment,  Bessie  sat  down  by  the  window, 
and  almost,  if  not  quite,  counted  every 
swing  of  the  pendulum  that  pushed  the 
hands  of  the  clock  on  to  the  desired  hour. 
She-  could  not  eat,  and  not  until  her  cu 
riosity  was  gratified  as  to  what  it  was  that 
had  detained  Thaddeus,  and  that,  more 
singular  still,  was  bringing  him  home  in 
stead  of  sending  him  to  business  at  nine 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  could  she,  in  fact, 
do  anything  ? 

Finally,  the  grinding  sounds  of  carriage 
wheels  on  the  gravel  road  without  were 
heard,  and  in  an  instant  Bessie  was  at  the 
door  to  welcome  the  prodigal.  And  what 
a  Thaddeus  it  was  that  came  home  that 
morning  !  His  eyes  showed  conclusively 
that  he  had  had  no  sleep,  save  the  more 
or  less  unsatisfactory  napping  which  sub 
urban  residents  get  on  the  trains.  His 
beautiful  pearl-gray  scarf,  that  so  became 
him  when  he  left  home  the  previous  morn 
ing,  was  not  anywhere  in  sight.  His 
cheek  was  scratched,  and  every  button 
that  his  vest  had  ever  known  had  taken 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  55 

wings  unto  itself  and  flown,  Bessie  knew 
not  whither.  And  yet,  tired  out  as  he 
was,  dishevelled  as  he  was,  Thaddeus  was 
not  grumpy,  but  inclined  rather  to  explo 
sive  laughter  as  he  entered  the  house. 

"  Why,  Thaddeus  !"  cried  Bessie,  in 
alarm.  "  What  on  earth  is  the  matter  with 
you  ?  You  look  as  if  you  had  been  in  a 
riot." 

"  That's  a  pretty  good  guess,  my  dear," 
returned  Thaddeus,  with  a  laugh,  "  but 
not  quite  the  right  one." 

"But  tell  me,  what  have  you  been  do 
ing  ?  Where  have  you  been  ?" 

"At  Bradley's,  my  love." 

"You  haven't  been — been  quarrelling 
with  Mr.  Bradley  ?" 

"No.  Bradley's  jewel  has  proved  your 
husband's  Waterloo,  as  well  as  the  Sedan 
of  Bradley  himself,"  returned  Thaddeus, 
throwing  his  head  back  and  bursting  out 
into  a  loud  guffaw. 

"I  am  not  good  at  riddles,  Thaddeus," 
said  Bessie,  "  and  I  haven't  laughed  much 
myself  since  that  last  train  came  in  last 


PASTE    JEWELS 


night  and  didn't  bring  you.  I  think  you 
might  tell  me — 

"Why,  my  dear  little  girl/'  said  Thad- 
deus,  walking  to  her  side  and  kissing  her, 
"  I  didn't  mean  to  keep  you  in  suspense, 
and  of  course  I'll  tell  you." 

Then,  as  they  ate  their  breakfast,  Thad- 
deus  explained.  "I  told  Bradley  that 
you  were  a  sceptic  on  the  subject  of  his 
jewel,"  he  said,  "and  he  offered  to  prove 
that  she  was  eighteen  carats  fine  by  taking 
me  home  with  him,  an  unexpected  guest, 
by  which  act  he  would  test  her  value  to 
my  satisfaction.  Of  course,  having  cast 
doubts  upon  her  excellence,  I  had  to  ac 
cept,  and  at  half-past  five  he  and  I  board 
ed  an  elevated  train  for  Harlem.  At  six 
we  stood  before  Bradley's  front  door,  and 
as  he  had  left  his  keys  at  the  office,  he 
rang  the  bell  and  waited.  It  was  a  long 
wait,  considering  the  presence  of  a  jewel 
within  doors.  It  must  have  lasted  fifteen 
minutes,  and  even  that  would  have  been 
but  the  beginning,  in  spite  of  repeated  and 
continuous  pulling  of  the  bell -handle, 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  57 

had  we  not  determined  to  enter  through 
the  reception-room  window." 

"Did  you  try  the  basement  door?" 
queried  Bessie,  with  a  smile,  for  it  pleased 
her  to  hear  that  the  jewel  was  not  quite 
flawless. 

"  Yes,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  We  rang  four 
times  at  the  basement,  and  I  should  say 
seven  times  at  the  front  door,  and  then 
we  took  to  the  window.  Bradley's  is  one 
of  those  narrow  English-basement  houses 
with  a  small  yard  in  front,  so  that  the  re 
ception-room  window  is  easy  to  reach  by 
climbing  over  the  vault  leading  to  the 
basement  door,  which  is  more  or  less  of  a 
cellar  entrance.  Fortunately  the  window 
was  unlocked.  I  say  fortunately,  because 
it  enabled  us  to  get  into  the  house, 
though  if  I  were  sitting  on  a  jury  I  think 
I  should  base  an  indictment  —  one  of 
criminal  negligence — of  the  jewel  on  the 
fact  that  it  was  unlocked.  It  was  just 
the  hour,  you  know,  when  policemen  yawn 
and  sneak-thieves  prowl." 

"How  careless  !"  vouchsafed  Bessie. 


58  PASTE    JEWELS 

"Very,"  said  Thaddeus.  "But  this 
time  it  worked  for  the  good  of  all  con 
cerned,  although  my  personal  appearance 
doesn't  give  any  indication  that  I  gained 
anything  by  it.  In  fact,  it  would  have 
been  better  for  me  if  the  house  had  been 
hermetically  sealed." 

"Don't  dally  so  much,  Thaddeus,'"  put 
in  Bessie.  "  I'm  anxious  to  hear  what 
happened." 

"  Well,  of  course  Bradley  was  very 
much  concerned,"  continued  Thaddeus. 
"It  was  bad  enough  not  to  be  able  to  at 
tract  the  maid's  attention  by  ringing,  but 
when  he  noticed  that  the  house  was  as 
dark  as  pitch,  and  that  despite  the  clang 
ing  of  the  bell,  which  could  be  heard  all 
over  the  neighborhood,  even  his  wife 
didn't  come  to  the  door,  he  was  worried ; 
and  he  was  more  worried  than  ever  when 
he  got  inside.  We  lit  the  gas  in  the 
hall,  and  walked  back  into  the  dining- 
room,  where  we  also  lighted  up,  and  such 
confusion  as  was  there  you  never  saw  ! 
The  table-cloth  was  in  a  heap  on  the 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  59 

floor ;  Bradley's  candelabra,  of  which  he 
was  always  so  proud,  were  bent  and  twist 
ed  out  of  shape  under  the  table  ;  glasses 
broken  beyond  redemption  were  strewn 
round  about;  and  a  mixture  of  pepper, 
salt,  and  sugar  was  over  everything." 

"'I  believe  there  have  been  thieves 
here/  said  Bradley,  his  face  turning 
white.  And  then  he  went  to  the  foot  of 
the  stairs  and  called  up  to  his  wife,  but 
there  was  no  answer. 

"  Then  lie  started  on  a  dead  run  up 
the  stair.  Above  all  was  in  confusion,  as 
in  the  dining-room.  Vases  were  broken, 
pictures  hung  awry  on  the  walls  ;  but 
nowhere  was  Mrs.  Bradley  or  one  of  the 
Bradley  children  to  be  seen. 

"  Then  we  began  a  systematic  search  of 
the  house.  Everywhere  everything  was 
upsidedown,  and  finally  we  came  to  a 
door  on  the  third  story  back,  leading 
into  the  children's  play -room,  and  as 
we  turned  the  knob  and  tried  to  open 
'  it  we  heard  Mrs.  Bradley's  voice  from 
within. 


60  PASTE  JEWELS 

"  '  Who's  there  ?'  she  said,  her  voice 
all  of  a,  tremble. 

"  <  It  is  I !'  returned  Bradley.  <  Open  the 
door.  What  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  ?' 

"  '  Oh,  I'm  so  glad  you  have  come  !' 
returned  Mrs.  Bradley,  with  a  sob,  and 
then  we  heard  sounds  as  of  the  moving  of 
heavy  furniture.  Mrs.  Bradley,  for  some 
as  yet  unexplained  reason,  seemed  to  have 
barricaded  herself  in. 

"Finally  the  door  was  opened,  and 
Mrs.  Bradley  buried  her  face  on  her  hus 
band's  shoulder  and  sobbed  hysterically. 

"  '  What  on  earth  is  the  matter  ?'  asked 
Bradley,  as  his  children  followed  their 
mother's  lead,  except  that  they  buried 
their  faces  in  his  coat-tail  pockets.  '  What 
has  happened  ?' 

"  '  Mary  !'  gasped  Mrs.  Bradley." 

"  The  jewel  ?"  asked  Bessie. 

"  The  same,"  returned  Thaddeus,  with 
a  smile.  "  She  was  the  jewel,  alas  !  now 
deprived  of  her  former  glorious  setting. 

"  '  What's  the  matter  with  Mary  ?' 
asked  Bradlev. 


MR.    BHAULEY  S    JEWEL  61 

" '  She's  been  behaving  outrageously. 
I  found  her  this  morning/  said  Mrs.  Brad 
ley,  '  rummaging  through  my  escritoire, 
throwing  things  all  over  the  floor ;  and 
when  I  remonstrated  she  said  she  was 
looking  for  a  sheet  of  paper  on  which  to 
write  a  letter.  I  told  her  she  should  have 
asked  me  for  it,  and  she  replied  imperti 
nently  that  she  never  asked  favors  of  any 
body.  I  told  her  to  leave  the  room,  and 
she  declined  to  do  it,  picking  up  a  sofa- 
pillow  and  throwing  it  at  me.  I  was  so 
overcome  I  nearly  fainted. "' 

"  I  should  think  she  would  have  been 
overcome  !  Such  impudence  \"  said  Bes 
sie. 

"Humph  !"  said  Thaddeus.  "That  isn't 
a  marker  to  what  followed.  Why,  accord 
ing  to  Mrs.  Bradley's  story,  that  escaped 
Koh-i-noor  called  her  all  sorts  of  horrible 
names,  threw  an  empty  ink-pot  at  a  pho 
tograph  of  Bradley  himself,  that  stood 
on  the  mantel,  and  then,  grabbing  up  a 
whisk-broom,  literally  swept  everything 
else  there  was  on  the  mantel  off  to  the 


62  PASTE    JEWELS 

floor  with  it.  This  done,  she  began  to 
overturn  chairs  with  an  ardor  born  of 
temper,  apparently ;  and,  finally,  Mrs. 
Bradley  got  so  frightened  that  she  ran 
from  the  room,  and  the  jewel  started  in 
pursuit.  Straight  to  the  nursery  ran  the 
lady  of  the  house — for  there  was  where 
the  children  were,  playing  house,  no 
doubt,  with  little  idea  that  jewels  some 
times  deteriorated.  Once  in  the  nursery, 
Mrs.  Bradley  slammed  the  door  to,  locked 
it,  and  then,  still  fearful,  rolled  before  it 
the  bureau  and  the  children's  cribs.  Af 
ter  that  the  actions  of  the  jewel  could  only 
be  surmised.  The  door  was  pounded  and 
the  atmosphere  of  the  hall  was  rent  with 
violent  harangues  ;  then  a  hurried  step 
was  heard  as  the  jewel  presumably  sailed 
below-stairs  ;  then  crash  ings  were  heard — 
crashings  which  might  have  indicated  the 
smashing  of  windows,  of  picture-glass,  of 
mirrors,  chairs,  and  other  household  ap 
purtenances,  after  which,  Mrs.  Bradley  ob 
served,  all  became  still." 

"  Mercy  !  what   a   trial  !"  said   Bessie. 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  63 

"  And  was  she  locked  up  in  the  nursery 
all  day  ?" 

"  From  twelve  until  we  rescued  her  at 
a  little  after  six/'  said  Thaddeus.  "  Then 
Bradley  and  I  started  out  to  find  the 
jewel,  if  possible,  and  I  regret  to  say 
that  it  was  possible.  We  found  her 
asleep  on  the  kitchen  table,  and  Bradley 
hadn't  any  more  sense  than  to  try  and 
wake  her  up.  He  succeeded  too  well. 
For  the  next  ten  minutes  she  was  the 
most  wide-awake  woman  you  ever  saw, 
and  she  kept  us  wide  awake  too.  The 
minute  she  opened  her  eyes  and  saw  us 
standing  before  her,  she  sprang  to  her 
feet  and  made  a  rush  at  Bradley,  for 
which  he  was  totally  unprepared,  the 
consequence  of  which  was  that  in  an  in 
stant  he  found  himself  sitting  in  a  very 
undignified  manner,  for  the  head  of  the 
house,  on  the  kitchen  floor,  trying  to 
collect  his  somewhat  scattered  faculties. 

"  When  she  had  persuaded  Bradley  to 
take  a  seat,  she  turned  to  shower  her  at 
tentions  on  me.  I  jumped  to  one  side, 


64r  PASTE    JEWELS 

but  she  managed  to  grab  hold  of  my  vest, 
and  hence  its  buttonless  condition.  By 
this  time  Bradley  was  on  his  feet  again, 
and,  having  had  the  temerity  to  face  his 
jewel  the  second  time,  he  again  came  off 
second  best,  losing  one  of  the  button 
holes  of  his  collar  in  the  melee.  I  rushed 
in  from  behind,  and  flirtatiously,  per 
haps,  tried  to  grab  hold  of  her  hands, 
coming  off  the  field  minus  a  necktie,  but 
plus  that  picturesque  scratch  you  see  on 
my  nose.  Stopping  a  moment  to  count 
up  my  profit  and  loss,  I  let  Bradley  make 
the  next  assault,  which  resulted  in  a 
drawn  battle,  Bradley  losing  his  watch 
and  his  temper,  the  jewel  losing  her 
breath  and  her  balance.  So  it  went  on 
for  probably  three  or  four  minutes  longer, 
though  we  certainly  acquired  several  years 
of  experience  in  those  short  minutes, 
until  finally  we  managed  to  conquer  her. 
This  done,  we  locked  her  up  in  a  closet.'7 

"  Had  she  been  at  the  cooking-sherry  ?" 
asked  Bessie. 

"We  thought  so  at  first,  and  Bradley 


MR.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  65 

sent  for  a  policeman,"  said  Thaddeus  ; 
"but  when  he  came  we  found  the  poor 
creature  too  exhausted  to  be  moved,  and  in 
a  very  short  while  Mrs.  Bradley  decided 
that  it  was  a  case  for  a  doctor  and  not 
for  a  police-justice.  So  the  doctor  was 
summoned,,  and  we  waited,  dinnerless,  in 
the  dining-room  for  his  verdict,  and 
finally  it  came.  Bradley's  jewel  was  in 
sane  !" 

"Insane!"  echoed  Bessie. 

"  Mad  as  a  hatter,"  replied  Thaddeus. 

"  Well,  I  declare  !"  said  Bessie,  thought 
fully.  "But,  Thaddeus,  do  you  know  I 
am  not  surprised." 

"  Why,  my  dear  ?"  he  asked. 

"  Because,  Teddy,  she  was  too  perfect 
to  be  in  her  right  mind." 

And  Thaddeus,  after  thinking  it  all 
over,  was  inclined  to  believe  that  Bessie 
was  in  the  right. 

"  Yes,  Bess,  she  was  perfect — perfect 
in  the  way  she  did  her  work,  perfect  in  the 
way  she  smashed  things,  and  nowhere  did 
she  more  successfully  show  the  thorough- 


66  PASTE    JEWELS 

ness  with  which  she  did  everything  than 
when  it  came  to  removing  the  buttons 
from  my  vest.  Isn't  it  too  bad  that 
the  only  perfect  servant  that  ever  lived 
should  turn  out  to  be  a  hopeless  maniac  ? 
But  I  must  hurry  off,  or  I'll  miss  my 
train." 

"You  are  not  going  down  to  town  to 
day  ?"  asked  Bessie. 

"To-day,  above  all  other  days,  am  I 
going  down/7  returned  Thaddeus.  "I 
am  enough  of  a  barbarian  to  be  unwilling 
to  lose  the  chance  of  seeing  Bradley,  and 
asking  him  how  he  and  his  jewel  get 
along." 

"Thaddeus!" 

"Why  not,  my  dear?" 

"It  would  be  too  mean  for  anything." 

"  Well,  perhaps  you  are  right.  I  guess 
I  won't.  But  he  has  rubbed  it  into  me 
so  much  about  our  domestics  that  I  hate 
to  lose  the  chance  to  hit  back." 

"Has  he  ?"  said  Bessie,  her  face  flush- 
•ing  indignantly,  and,  it  may  be  added, 
becomingly.  "In  that  case,  perhaps, 


MB.    BRADLEY  S    JEWEL  67 

you  might — ha!  ha! — perhaps  you  might 
telegraph  and  ask  him." 

And  Thaddeus  did  so.     As  yet  he  has 
received  no  reply. 


UNEXPECTED   POMP  AT  THE 
PERKINS'S 


UNEXPECTED   POMP   AT   THE 
PERKINS'S 


dear/'  said  Thaddeus,  one  night, 
as  he  and  Mrs.  Perkins  entered  the  library 
after  dinner,  "that  was  a  very  good  din 
ner  to-night.  Don't  you  think  so  ?" 

"All  except  the  salmon,"  said  Bessie, 
with  a  smile. 

"Salmon?"  echoed  Thaddeus.  "Sal 
mon  ?  I  did  not  see  any  salmon." 

"No,"  said  Bessie,  "that  was  just  the 
trouble.  It  didn't  come  up,  although  it 
was  in  the  house  before  dinner,  I'm  cer 
tain.  I  saw  it  arrive." 

"Ellen  couldn't  have  known  you  in 
tended  it  for  dinner,"  said  Thaddeus. 

"Yes,  she  knew  it  was  for  dinner,"  re 
turned  Bessie,  "but  she  made  a  mistake 
as  to  whose  dinner  it  was  for.  She  sup- 


72  PASTE    JEWELS 

posed  it  was  bought  for  the  kitchen-table, 
and  when  I  went  down-stairs  to  inquire 
about  it  a  few  minutes  ago  it  was  fulfilling 
its  assumed  mission  nobly.  There  wasn't 
much  left  but  the  tail  and  one  fin." 

"  Well  !"  ejaculated  Thaddeus,  "  I  call 
that  a  pretty  cool  proceeding.  Did  you 
give  her  a  talking  to  ?" 

"  No,"  Bessie  replied,  shortly;  "  I  de 
spise  a  domestic  fuss,  so  I  pretended  I'd 
gone  down  to  talk  about  breakfast.  We'll 
have  breakfast  an  hour  or  two  earlier  to 
morrow,  dear. " 

"What's  that  for  ?"  queried  Thaddeus, 
his  eyes  open  wide  with  astonishment. 
"  You  are  not  going  shopping,  are  you  ?" 

""No,  Teddy,  I'm  not  ;  but  when  I  got 
down-stairs  and  realized  that  Ellen  had 
made  the  natural  mistake  of  supposing 
the  fish  was  for  the  down-stairs  dinner, 
this  being  Friday,  I  had  to  think  of  some 
thing  to  say,  and  nothing  would  come 
except  that  we  wanted  breakfast  at  seven 
instead  of  at  eight.  It  doesn't  do  to  have 
servants  suspect  you  of  spying  upon  them, 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      73 

nor  is  it  wise  ever  to  appear  flustered — so 
mamma  says — in  their  presence.  I  avoid 
ed  both  by  making  Ellen  believe  I'd  come 
down  to  order  an  early  breakfast." 

"You  are  a  great  Bessie/' said  Thad 
deus,  with  a  laugh.  "  I  admire  you  more 
than  ever,  my  dear,  and  to  prove  it  I'd  get 
up  to  breakfast  if  you'd  ordered  it  at  1  A.M." 

"  You'd  be  more  likely  to  stay  up  to  it," 
said  Bessie,  "and  then  go  to  bed  after  it." 

"  There's  your  Napoleonic  mind  again," 
said  Thaddeus.  "  I  should  never  have 
thought  of  that  way  out  of  it.  But,  Bess," 
he  continued,  "  when  I  was  praising  to 
night's  dinner  I  had  a  special  object  in 
view.  I  think  Ellen  cooks  well  enough 
now  to  warrant  us  in  giving  a  dinner, 
don't  you  ?" 

"  Well,  it  all  depends  on  what  we  have 
for  dinner,"  said  Bessie.  "  Ellen's  bis 
cuits  are  atrocious,  I  think,  and  you  know 
how  lumpy  the  oatmeal  always  is." 

"Suppose  we  try  giving  a  dinner  with 
the  oatmeal  and  biscuit  courses  left  out  ?" 
suggested  Thaddeus,  with  a  grin. 


74  PASTE    JEWELS 

Bessie's  eyes  twinkled.  "You  make 
very  bright  after-dinner  speeches,  Teddy/' 
she  said.  "  I  don't  see  why  we  can't  have 
a  dinner  with  nothing  but  pretty  china, 
your  sparkling  conversation,  and  a  few 
flowers  strewn  about.  It  would  be  partic 
ularly  satisfactory  to  me." 

"They're  not  all  angels  like  you,  my 
dear,"  Thaddeus  returned.  "There's 
Bradley,  for  instance.  He'd  die  of  star 
vation  before  we  got  to  the  second  course 
in  a  dinner  of  that  kind,  and  if  there  is 
any  one  thing  that  can  cast  a  gloom  over 
a  dinner,  it  is  to  have  one  of  the  guests 
die  of  starvation  right  in  the  middle  of 
it." 

"Mr.  Bradley  would  never  do  so  un- 
gentlemanly  a  thing,"  said  Bessie,  laugh 
ing  heartily.  "'He  is  too  considerate  a 
man  for  that ;  he'd  starve  in  silence  and 
without  ostentation." 

"  Why  this  sudden  access  of  confidence 
in  Bradley  ?"  queried  Thaddeus.  "  I 
thought  you  didn't  like  him  ?" 

"Neither  1  did,  until  that  Sunday  he 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S       75 

spent  with  as,"  Bessie  answered.  "  I've 
admired  him  intensely  ever  since.  Don't 
yon  remember,  we  had  lemon  pie  for  din 
ner — one  I  made  myself  ?" 

"Yes,  I  remember/'  said  Thaddeus; 
"but  I  fail  to  see  the  connection  between 
lemon  pie  and  Bradley.  Bradley  is  not 
sour  or  crusty." 

"  You  wouldn't  have  failed  to  see  if 
you'd  watched  Mr.  Bradley  at  dinner," 
retorted  Bessie.  "He  ate  two  pieces  of 
it." 

"And  just  because  a  man  eats  two 
pieces  of  lemon  pie  prepared  by  your  own 
fair  hands  you  whirl  about,  and,  from 
utterly  disliking  him,  call  him,  upon  the 
whole,  one  of  the  most  admirable  products 
of  the  human  race  ?"  said  Thaddeus. 

"Not  at  all,"  Bessie  replied,  with  a 
broad  smile  ;  "  but  I  did  admire  the 
spirit  and  politeness  of  the  man.  On  our 
way  home  from  church  in  the  morning 
we  were  talking  about  the  good  times 
children  have  on  their  little  picnics,  and 
Mr.  Bradley  said  he  never  enjoyed  a  pic- 


76  PASTE    JEWELS 

nic  in  his  life,  because  every  one  he  had 
ever  gone  to  was  ruined  by  the  baleful 
influence  of  lemon  pie." 

Thaddeus  laughed.  "  Then  he  didn't 
like  lemon  pie  ?"  he  asked. 

"  No,  he  hated  it,"  said  Bessie,  joining 
in  the  laugh.  "  He  added  that  the  orig 
inal  receipt  for  it  came  out  of  Pandora's 
box." 

"  Poor  Bradley  ! "  cried  Thaddeus, 
throwing  his  head  back  in  a  paroxysm 
of  mirth.  "Hated  pie — declared  his  feel 
ings — and  then  to  be  confronted  by  it  at 
dinner." 

"  He  behaved  nobly/'  said  Bessie.  "  Ate 
his  first  piece  like  a  man,  and  then  called 
for  a  second,  like  a  hero,  when  you  re 
marked  that  it  was  of  my  make." 

"  You  ought  to  have  told  him  it  wasn't 
necessary,  Bess,"  said  Thaddeus. 

"  I  felt  that  way  myself  at  first,"  Bes 
sie  explained;  "but  then  I  thought  I 
wouldn't  let  him  know  I  remembered 
what  he  had  said." 

"I  fancy  that  was  better,"  said  Thad- 


UNEXPECTED     POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS'S      77 

dens.  "But  about  that  dinner.  What 
do  you  say  to  our  inviting  the  Bradleys, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Phillips,  the  Kobinsons,  and 
the  Twinings  ?" 

"How  many  does  that  make  ?  Eight 
besides  ourselves  ?"  asked  Bessie,  count 
ing  upon  her  fingers. 

"  Yes — ten  altogether,"  said  Thaddeus. 

"It  can't  be  done,  dear/'  said  Bessie. 
"  We  have  only  eight  fruit  plates." 

"  Can't  you  and  I  go  without  fruit  ?" 
Thaddeus  asked. 

"  Not  very  well,"  laughed  Bessie.  "  It 
would  never  do." 

"  They  might  think  the  fruit  was  poi 
soned  if  we  did,  eh  ?"  suggested  Thad 
deus. 

"  Besides,  Mary  never  could  serve  din 
ner  for  ten  ;  eight  is  her  number.  Last 
time  we  had  ten  people,  don't  you  remem 
ber,  she  dropped  a  tray  full  of  dishes,  arid 
poured  the  claret  into  the  champagne 
glasses  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  so  she  did,"  said  Thaddens. 
"  That's  how  we  came  to  have  only  eight 


78  PASTE    JEWELS 

fruit  plates.  I  remember.  I  don't  think 
it  was  the  number  of  people  at  the  ta 
ble,  though.  It  was  Twining  caused  the 
trouble.  He  had  just  made  the  pleasant 
remark  that  he  wouldn't  have  an  Irish 
servant  in  his  house,  when  Mary  fired  the 
salute." 

"  Then  that  settles  it/'  said  Bessie. 
"  We'll  cut  the  Twiriings  out,  and  ask  the 
others.  I  don't  care  much  for  Mrs. 
Twining,  anyhow ;  she's  nothing  but 
clothes  and  fidgets." 

"  And  Twining  doesn't  do  much  but  ask 
you  what  you  think  of  certain  things,  and 
then  tell  you  you  are  all  wrong  when  he 
finds  out/'  said  Thaddeus.  "Yes,  it's 
just  as  well  to  cut  them  off  this  time. 
We'll  make  it  for  eight,  and  have  it  a 
week  from  Thursday  night." 

"  That's  Mary's  night  off,"  said  Bessie. 

tf  Then  how  about  having  it  Friday  ?" 

"That's  Maggie's  night  off,  and  there 
won't  be  anybody  to  mind  the  baby." 

"Humph!"  said  Thaddeus.  "I  wish 
there  were  a  baby  safe-deposit  company 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      79 

somewhere.  Can't  your  mother  come  over 
and  look  after  him  ?" 

"No/'  said  Bessie,  "she  can't.  The 
child  always  develops  something  every 
time  mother  comes.  Not,  of  course,  that 
I  believe  she  gives  it  to  him,  but  she  looks 
for  things,  don't  you  know." 

"  Yes,"  said  Thaddeus,  "  I  know.  Then 
make  it  Wednesday.  That's  my  busy  day 
down-town,  and  I  sha'n't  be  able  to  get 
home  much  before  half -past  six,  but  if  din 
ner  is  at  seven,  there  will  be  time  enough 
for  me  to  dress." 

"  Very  well,"  said  Bessie.  "  I  will  write 
the  invitations  to-morrow,  and,  meanwhile, 
you  and  I  can  get  up  the  menu." 

"  Oysters  to  begin  with,  of  course/'  said 
Thaddeus. 

"I  suppose  so,"  said  Bessie,  "though, 
you  remember,  the  last  time  we  had  oys 
ters  you  had  to  open  them,  because  the 
man  from  the  market  didn't  get  here  un 
til  half-past  seven." 

"And  Ellen  had  never  opened  any  ex 
cept  with  a  tack-hammer,"  said  Thaddeus. 


PASTE    JEWELS 


"  Yes,  I  remember.  But  lightning  never 
strikes  twice  in  the  same  place.  Put  down 
the  oysters.  Then  we'll  have  some  kind 
of  a  puree — celery  puree,  eh  ?" 

"  That  will  be  very  good  if  Ellen  can 
be  induced  to  keep  it  thick." 

"  Perhaps  we'd  better  tell  her  we  want 
a  celery  consomme,"  suggested  Thaddeus. 
"Then  it  will  be  sure  to  be  as  thick  as  a 
dictionary." 

"I  guess  it  will  be  all  right/'  said  Bes 
sie.  "What  kind  of  fish  ?" 

"Bradley  likes  salmon  ;  Robinson  likes 
sole ;  Phillips  likes  whitebait,  and  so 
do  I." 

"We'll  have  whitebait,"  said  Bessie, 
simply.  "  Then  a  saddle  of  mutton  ?" 

"  Yes,  and  an  entree  of  some  kind,  and 
next  individual  ruddy  ducks." 

"  No  Roman  punch  ?" 

"  We  can  get  along  without  that,  I 
think/'  said  Thaddeus.  "  We  want  to 
keep  this  dinner  down  to  Mary's  compre 
hension,,  and  Fm  afraid  she  wouldn't  know 
what  to  make  of  an  ice  in  the  middle  of 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      81 

the  dinner.  The  chances  are  she'd  want 
to  serve  it  hot." 

"All  right,  Teddy.     What  next  ?" 

"  I  would  suggest  a  lemon  pie  for  Brad 
ley,"  smiled  Thaddeus. 

"What  do  you  say  to  Ellen's  making 
one  of  her  tipsy-cakes  ?"  suggested  Bessie. 

"Just  the  thing/'  said  Thaddeus, 
smacking  his  lips  with  enthusiasm.  "I 
could  eat  a  million  of  'em.  Then  we  can 
finish  up  with  coffee  and  fruit." 

So  it  was  settled.  The  invitations  were 
sent  out,  and  Bessie  devoted  her  ener 
gies  for  the  next  ten  days  to  making 
ready. 

Ellen's  culinary  powers  were  tested  at 
every  meal.  For  dinner  one  night  she 
was  requested  to  prepare  the  puree,  which 
turned  out  to  be  eminently  satisfactory. 
Thaddeus  gave  her  a  few  practical  lessons 
in  the  art  of  opening  oysters,  an  art  of 
which  he  had  become  a  master  in  his  col 
lege  days — in  fact,  if  his  own  words  were 
to  be  believed,  it  was  the  sole  accomplish 
ment  he  had  there  acquired  which  gave 


82  PASTE    JEWELS 

any  significance  whatever  to  his  degree  of 
B.  A. — so  that  in  case  the  "fish  gentle 
man"  failed  to  appear  in  time  nothing 
disastrous  might  result.  Other  things  011 
the  menu  were  also  ordered  at  various 
times,  and  all  went  so  well  that  when 
Thaddeus  left  home  on  the  chosen  Wednes 
day  morning,  it  was  with  a  serene  sense 
of  good  times  ahead.  The  invited  guests 
had  accepted,  and  everything  was  promis 
ing. 

As  Thaddeus  had  said,  Wednesday  was 
his  busy  day,  and  never  had  it  been  busier 
than  upon  this  occasion.  Everything 
moved  smoothly,  but  there  was  a  great 
deal  to  move,  and  finally,  when  all  was 
done,  and  Thaddeus  rose  to  leave  his  desk, 
it  was  nearly  six  o'clock,  and  quite  impos 
sible  for  him  to  reach  home  before  seven. 
"  I  shall  be  late,"  he  said,  as  he  hurried 
off ;  and  he  was  right.  He  arrived  at 
home  coincidently  with  his  guests,  rushed 
to  his  room,  and  dressed.  But  one  glimpse 
had  he  of  Bessie,  and  that  was  as  they 
passed  on  the  stairs,  she  hurrying  down 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      83 

to  receive  her  guests,  he  hurrying  up  to 
change  his  clothes. 

"Oh,  Thad  !"  was  all  she  said,  but  to 
Thaddeus  it  was  disconcerting. 

"What  is  the  matter,  dear  ?"  he  asked. 

"Nothing  ;  Fll  tell  you  later.  Hurry/' 
she  gasped,  "or  the  dinner  will  be  spoiled." 

Thaddeus  hurried  as  he  never  hurried 
before,  and  in  fifteen  minutes  walked,  im 
maculate  as  to  attire,  into  the  drawing- 
room,  where  Bessie,  her  color  heightened 
to  an  unusual  degree,  and  her  usually 
bright  eyes  fairly  naming  with  an  unwont 
ed  brilliance,  was  entertaining  the  Brad- 
leys,  the  Phillipses,  and  the  Robinsons. 

"  Didn't  expect  me,  did  you  ?"  said 
Thaddeus,  as  he  entered  the  room. 

"No,"  said  Bradley,  dryly.  "This  is 
an  unexpected  pleasure.  I  didn't  even 
know  you  were  a  friend  of  the  family." 

"  Well,  I  am,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  One 
of  the  oldest  friends  I've  got,  in  fact, 
which  is  my  sole  excuse  for  keeping  you 
waiting.  Old  friends  are  privileged — eh, 
Mrs.  Robinson  ?" 


84  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  Dinner  is  served/'  came  a  deep  bass 
voice  from  the  middle  of  the  doorway. 

Thaddeus  jumped  as  if  he  had  seen  a 
ghost,  and,  turning  to  see  what  could  have 
caused  the  strange  metamorphosis  in  the 
soprano  tremolo  of  Mary's  voice,  was  as 
tonished  to  observe  in  the  parting  of  the 
portieres  not  the  more  or  less  portly  Mary, 
but  a  huge,  burly,  English-looking  man, 
bowing  in  a  most  effective  and  graceful 
fashion  to  Mrs.  Bradley,  and  then  straight 
ening  himself  up  into  a  pose  as  rigid  and 
uncompromising  as  that  of  a  marble  statue. 

"  What  on  earth — "  began  Thaddeus, 
with  a  startled  look  of  inquiry  at  Bessie. 
But  she  only  shook  her  head,  and  put  her 
finger  to  her  lips,  enjoining  silence,  which 
Thaddeus,  fortunately,  had  the  good  sense 
to  understand,  even  if  his  mind  was  not 
equal  to  the  fathoming  of  that  other  mys 
tery,  the  pompous  and  totally  unexpected 
butler. 

But  if  Thaddeus  was  surprised  to  see 
the  butler,  he  was  amazed  at  the  dinner 
which  the  butler  served.  Surely,  he 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      85 

thought,  if  Ellen  can  prepare  a  dinner 
like  this,  she  ought  to  be  above  taking 
sixteen  dollars  and  a  home  a  month.  It 
was  simply  a  regal  repast.  The  oysters 
were  delicious,  and  the  puree  was  supe 
rior  to  anything  Thaddeus  had  ever  eaten 
in  the  line  of  soups  in  his  life — only  it  was 
lobster  puree,  and  ten  times  better  than 
Ellen's  general  run  of  celery  puree.  He 
winked  his  eye  to  denote  his  extreme  sat 
isfaction  to  Bessie  when  he  thought  no 
one  was  looking,  but  was  overwhelmed 
with  mortification  when  he  observed  that 
the  wink  had  been  seen  by  the  overpow 
ering  butler,  who  looked  sternly  at  him, 
as  much  as  to  say,  "  'Ow  wery  wulgar  I" 

"  I  must  congratulate  your  cook  upon 
her  lobster  puree,  Mrs.  Perkins/'  said  Mr. 
Phillips.  "  It  is  delicious." 

"  Yes,"  put  in  Thaddeus.  "  But  you 
ought  to  taste  her  celery  puree.  She  is 
undoubtedly  great  on  purees." 

Bessie  coughed  slightly  and  shook  her 
head  at  Thaddeus,  and  Thaddeus  thought 
he  detected  the  germ  of  a  smile  upon  the 


86  PASTE    JEWELS 

cold  face  of  the  butler.  He  was  not  sure 
about  it,  but  it  curdled  his  blood  just  a 
little,  because  that  ghost  of  a  smile  seem 
ed  to  have  just  a  tinge  of  a  sneer  in  it. 

"  This  isn't  the  same  cook  you  had  last 
time,  is  it  ?"  asked  Bradley. 

"Yes,"  said  Thaddeus.  "Same  one, 
though  it  was  my  wife  who  made  that 
lem— " 

"Thaddeus,"  interrupted  Bessie,  "Mrs. 
Robinson  tells  me  that  she  and  Mr.  Rob 
inson  are  going  down  to  New  York  to  the 
theatre  on  Friday  night.  Can't  we  all 
go?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  I'm  in 
on  any  little  diversion  of  that  sort.  Why, 
what's  this?  —  er  —  why,  yes,  of  course. 
Phillips,  you'll  go ;  and  you,  too,  eh,  Brad 
ley  ?" 

Thaddeus  was  evidently  much  upset 
again ;  for,  instead  of  the  whitebait  he 
and  Bessie  had  decided  upon  for  their 
fish  course,  the  butler  had  entered,  bear 
ing  in  a  toplofty  fashion  a  huge  silver 
platter,  upon  which  lay  a  superb  salmon, 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      87 

beautifully  cooked  and  garnished.  This 
he  was  now  holding  before  Thaddeus, 
and  stood  awaiting  his  nod  of  approval 
before  serving  it.  Inasmuch  as  Thad- 
deus  not  only  expected  whitebait,  but  had 
also  never  before  seen  the  silver  platter, 
it  is  hardly  surprising  that  he  should  sit 
staring  at  the  fish  in  a  puzzled  sort  of 
way.  He  recovered  shortly,  however, 
gave  the  nod  the  butler  was  waiting  for, 
and  the  dinner  proceeded.  And  what  a 
dinner  it  was  !  Each  new  course  in 
turn  amazed  Thaddeus  far  more  than 
the  course  that  had  preceded  it ;  and 
now,  when  the  butler,  whom  Thaddeus 
had  got  more  or  less  used  to,  came  in 
bearing  a  bottle  of  wine,  followed  by 
another  stolid,  well  -  dressed  person,  who 
might  have  been  his  twin -brother  and 
who  was  in  reality  no  more  than  assistant 
to  the  other,  Thaddeus  began  to  fear  that 
the  wine  he  had  partaken  of  had  brought 
about  that  duplication  of  sight  which  is 
said  to  be  one  of  the  symptoms  of  over 
indulgence.  Either  that  or  he  was  dream- 


PASTE    JEWELS 


ing,  he  thought ;  and  the  alternative  was 
not  a  pleasant  one,  for  Thaddeus  did  not 
over-indulge,  and  as  a  person  of  intellect 
he  did  not  deem  it  the  proper  thing  to 
dream  at  the  dinner-table,  since  the  first 
requisite  of  dreaming  is  falling  asleep. 
This  Thaddeus  never  did  in  polite  soci 
ety. 

To  say  that  he  could  scarcely  contain 
himself  for  curiosity  to  know  what  had 
occurred  to  bring  about  this  singular  con 
dition  of  affairs  is  to  put  it  with  a  mild 
ness  which  justice  to  Thaddeus  compels 
me  to  term  criminal.  Yet,  to  his  credit 
be  it  said,  that  through  the  whole  of  the 
repast,  which  lasted  for  two  hours,  he 
kept  silent,  and  but  for  a  slight  nervous 
ness  of  manner  no  one  would  have  sus 
pected  that  he  was  not  as  he  had  always 
been.  Indeed,  to  none  of  the  party,  not 
even  excepting  his  wife,  did  Thaddeus 
appear  to  be  anything  but  what  he  should 
be.  But  when,  finally,  the  ladies  had 
withdrawn  and  the  men  remained  over 
the  coffee  and  cigars,  he  was  compelled  to 


UNEXPECTED  POMP  AT  THE  PERKINS  S   89 

undergo  a  still  severer  test  upon  his  loy 
alty  to  Bessie,  whose  signal  to  him  to  ac 
cept  all  and  say  nothing  he  was  so  nobly 
obeying. 

Bradley  began  it.  "I  didn't  know 
you'd  changed  from  women  to  men  ser 
vants,  Perkins  ?" 

"Yes/' said  Thaddeus,  "we've  changed. 
Rather  good  change,  don't  you  think  ?" 

"  Splendid/'  said  Phillips.  "  That  fel 
low  served  the  dinner  like  a  prince." 

"I  don't  believe  he's  any  more  than  a 
duke,  though,"  said  Bradley.  "  His  man 
ner  was  quite  ducal — in  fact,  too  ducal, 
if  Perkins  will  let  me  criticise.  He  made 
me  feel  like  a  poor,  miserable,  red-blooded 
son  of  the  people.  I  wanted  an  olive, 
and,  by  Jove,  I  didn't  dare  ask  for  it." 

"  That  wasn't  his  fault,"  said  Robinson, 
with  a  laugh.  "  You  forget  that  you 
live  in  a  country  where  red  blood  is  as 
good  as  blue.  Where  did  you  get  him, 
Thaddeus  ?" 

Thaddeus  looked  like  a  rat  in  a  corner 
with  a  row  of  cats  to  the  fore. 


90  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  Oh  !  —  we  —  er  —  we  got  him  from  — 
dear  me  !  I  never  can  remember.  Mrs. 
Perkins  can  tell  you,  though,"  he  stam 
mered.  "  She  looks  after  the  menagerie." 

"  What's  his  name  ?"  asked  Phillips. 

Thaddeus's  mind  was  a  blank.  He 
could  not  for  the  life  of  him  think  what 
name  a  butler  would  be  likely  to  have, 
but  in  a  moment  he  summoned  up  nerve 
enough  to  speak. 

"Grinimms,"  he  said,  desperately. 

"Sounds  like  a  Dickens  character," 
said  Robinson.  ' '  Does  he  cost  you  very 
much,  Thad  ?" 

"Oh  no  —  not  so  very  much,"  said 
Thaddeus,  whose  case  was  now  so  des 
perate  that  he  resolved  to  put  a  stop  to  it 
all.  Unfortunately,  his  method  of  doing 
so  was  not  by  telling  the  truth,  but  by  a 
flight  of  fancy  in  which  he  felt  he  owed 
it  to  Bessie  to  indulge. 

"  No — he  doesn't  cost  much,"  he  re 
peated,  boldly.  "  Fact  is,  he  is  a  man 
we've  known  for  a  great  many  years.  He 
— er — he  used  to  be  butler  in  my  grand- 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      91 

father's  house  in  Philadelphia,  and — er — 
and  I  was  there  a  great  deal  of  the  time 
as  a  boy,  and  Grimmins  and  I  were  great 
friends.  When  my  grandfather  died  Grim 
mins  disappeared,  and  until  last  month 
I  never  heard  a  word  of  him,  and  then 
he  wrote  to  me  stating  that  he  was  out 
of  work  and  poor  as  a  fifty -cent  table- 
d'hote  dinner,  and  would  like  employment 
at  nominal  wages  if  he  could  get  a  home 
with  it.  We  were  just  getting  rid  of  our 
waitress,  and  so  I  offered  Grimmins  thirty 
a  month,  board,  lodging,  and  clothes.  He 
came  on  ;  I  gave  him  one  of  my  old  dress- 
suits,  set  him  to  work,  and  there  you 
are." 

"  I  thought  you  said' a  minute  ago  Mrs. 
Perkins  got  him  ?"  said  Bradley,  who  is 
one  of  those  disagreeable  men  with  a 
memory. 

"  I  thought  you  were  talking  about  the 
cook, "said  Thaddeus, uneasily.  "Weren't 
you  talking  about  the  cook  ?" 

"No;  but  we  ought  to  have  been," 
said  Phillips,  with  enthusiasm.  "  She's 


92  PASTE    JEWELS 

the  queen  of  cooks.  What  do  you  pay 
her  ?" 

"  Sixteen/'  said  Thaddeus,  glad  to  get 
back  on  the  solid  ground  of  truth  once 
more. 

"What?"  cried  Phillips.  "Sixteen, 
and  can  cook  like  that  ?  Take  me  down 
and  introduce  me,  will  you,  Perkins  ?  I'd 
like  to  oifer  her  seventeen  to  come  and 
cook  for  me." 

"  Let's  join  the  ladies,"  said  Thaddeus, 
abruptly.  "  There's  no  use  of  our  wast 
ing  our  sweetness  upon  each  other." 

If  the  head  of  the  house  had  expected 
to  be  relieved  from  his  unfortunate  em 
barrassments  by  joining  the  ladies,  he  was 
doomed  to  bitter  disappointment,  for  the 
conversation  abandoned  at  the  table  was 
resumed  in  the  drawing-room.  The  din 
ner  had  been  too  much  of  a  success  to  be 
forgotten  readily. 

Thaddeus's  troubles  were  set  going  again 
when  he  overheard  Phillips  saying  to  Bes 
sie,  "  Thaddeus  has  been  telling  us  the 
remarkable  story  of  Grimmins." 


UNEXPECTED  POMP  AT  THE  PERKINS  S   93 

Nor  were  his  woes  lightened  any  when 
he  caught  Bessie's  reply :  "Indeed  ?  What 
story  is  that  ?" 

"  Why,  the  story  of  the  butler — Grim- 
mins,  you  know.  How  you  came  to  get 
him,  and  all  that/'  said  Phillips.  "  Eeal- 
ly,  you  are  to  be  congratulated/' 

"I  am  glad  to  know  you  feel  that  way," 
said  Bessie,  simply,  with  a  glance  at  Thad- 
deus  which  was  full  of  wonderment. 

"He  is  a  treasure,"  said  Bradley;  "but 
your  cook  is  a  whole  chestf  ul  of  treasures. 
And  how  fortunate  you  and  Thaddeus 
are  !  The  idea  of  there  being  anywhere 
in  the  world  a  person  of  such  ability  in 
her  vocation,  and  so  poor  a  notion  of  her 
worth  !" 

Thaddeus  breathed  again,  now  that  the 
cook  was  under  discussion.  He  knew  all 
about  her. 

"  Yes,  indeed,"  said  Bessie.  "  He  did 
well." 

"  I  mean  the  cook,"  returned  Bradley. 
"  You  mean  she  did  well,  don't  you  ?" 

What  Bessie  would  have  answered,  or 


94  PASTE    JEWELS 

what  Thaddens  would  have  done  next 
if  the  conversation  had  been  continued, 
can  be  a  matter  of  unprofitable  specula 
tion  only,  for  at  this  point  a  wail  from 
above -stairs  showed  that  Master  Perkins 
had  awakened,  and  the  ladies,  consider 
ate  of  Bessie's  maternal  feelings,  promptly 
rose  to  take  their  leave,  and  in  ten  min 
utes  she  and  Thaddeus  were  alone. 

"  What  on  earth  is  the  story  of  Grim- 
mins,  Thaddeus  ?"  she  asked,  as  the  door 
closed  upon  the  departing  guests. 

Thaddeus  threw  himself  wearily  down 
upon  the  sofa  and  explained.  He  told 
her  all  he  had  said  about  the  butler  and 
the  cook. 

•'That's  the  story  of  Grimmins,"  he 
said,  when  he  had  finished. 

"  Oh,  dear  me,  dear  me  !"  cried  Bessie, 
"you  told  the  men  that,  and  I — I,  Thad 
deus,  told  the  women  the  truth.  Why, 
it's — it's  awful.  You'll  never  hear  the 
end  of  it." 

"  Well,  now  that  they  know  the  truth, 
Bess,"  Thaddeus  said,  "'suppose  you  let 


UNEXPECTED    POMP    AT    THE    PERKINS  S      95 

me  into  the  secret.  What  on  earth  is  the 
meaning  of  all  this — two  butlers,  silver 
platters,  dinner  fit  for  the  gods,  and 
all?" 

"  It's  all  because  of  the  tipsy-cake," 
said  Bessie. 

"  The  what  ?"  asked  Thaddeus,  sitting 
up  and  gazing  at  his  wife  as  if  he  ques 
tioned  her  sanity. 

"The  tipsy-cake/' she  repeated.  "I 
gave  Ellen  the  bottle  of  brandy  you  gave 
me  for  the  tipsy-cake,  and — and  she  drank 
half  of  it." 

"  And  the  other  half  ?" 

"Mary  drank  that.  They  got  word 
this  morning  that  their  brother  was  very 
ill,  and  it  upset  them  so  I  don't  believe 
they  knew  what  they  were  doing  ;  but  at 
one  o'clock,  when  I  went  down  to  lunch, 
there  was  no  lunch  ready,  and  when  I 
descended  into  the  kitchen  to  find  out 
why,  I  found  that  the  fire  had  gone  out, 
and  both  girls  were  —  both  girls  were 
asleep  on  the  cellar  floor.  They're  there 
yet — locked  in ;  and  all  through  dinner  I 


96  PASTE    JEWELS 

was   afraid   they  might   come   to,  and — 
make  a  rumpus." 

"And  the  dinner?"  said  Thaddeus,  a 
light  breaking  through  into  his  troubled 
mind. 

"  I  telegraphed  to  New  York  to  Parti- 
nelli  at  once,  telling  him  to  serve  a  dinner 
for  eight  here  to-night,  supplying  service, 
cook,  dinner,  and  everything,  and  at  four 
o'clock  these  men  arrived  and  took  pos 
session.  It  was  the  only  thing  I  could 
do,  Thad,  wasn't  it  ?" 

"It  was,  Bess/7  said  Thaddeus,  gravely. 
' '  It  was  great ;  but — by  Jove,  I  wish  I'd 
known,  because —  Did  you  really  tell  the 
ladies  the  truth  about  it  ?" 

"Yes,  I  did,"  said  Bessie.  "They 
were  so  full  of  praises  for  everything  that 
I  didn't  think  it  was  fair  for  me  to  take 
all  the  credit  of  it,  so  I  told  them  the 
whole  thing." 

"  That  was  right,  too,"  said  Thaddeus  ; 
"  but  those  fellows  will  never  let  me  hear 
the  end  of  that  infernal  Grimmins  story. 
I  almost  wish  we — " 


UNEXPECTED  POMP  AT  THE  PERKINS  S   97 

"You  wish  what,  Teddy  dear  ?" 

"I  almost  wish  we  had  not  attempted 
the  tipsy-cake,  and  had  stuck  to  my  origi 
nal  suggestion,"  said  Thaddeus. 

"What  was  that  ?"  Bessie  asked. 

"  To  have  lemon  pie  for  dessert,  for 
Bradley's  sake,"  answered  Thaddeus,  as 
he  locked  the  front  door  and  turned  off 
the  gas. 


AN   OBJECT-LESSON 


AN   OBJECT-LESSON 

IT  was  early  in  the  autumn.  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Perkins,  with  their  two  hopefuls, 
had  returned  from  a  month  of  rest  at  the 
mountains,  and  the  question  of  school  for 
Thaddeus  junior  came  up. 

"He  is  nearly  six  years  old/7  said 
Bessie,  "and  I  think  he  is  quite  intelli 
gent  enough  to  go  to  school,  don't  you  ?" 

"  Well,  if  you  want  my  honest  opinion," 
Thaddeus  answered,  "  I  think  he's  in 
telligent  enough  to  go  without  school  for 
another  year  at  least.  I  don't  want  a 
hot-house  boy,  and  I  have  always  been 
opposed  to  forcing  these  little  minds  that 
we  are  called  upon  by  circumstances  to 
direct.  It  seems  to  me  that  the  thing 
for  us  to  do  is  to  hold  them  back,  if  any 
thing.  If  Teddy  goes  to  school  now, 


102  PASTE    JEWELS 

he'll  be  re?dy  for  college  when  he  is 
twelve.:  He'll  be  graduated  at  sixteen, 
&ndl  at  twenty  he'll  be  practising  law.  At 
twenty-five  he'll  be  leader  of  the  bar  ;  and 
then — what  will  there  be  left  for  him  to 
achieve  at  fifty  ?  Absolutely  nothing." 

Mrs.  Perkins  laughed.  "You  have 
great  hopes  for  Teddy,  haven't  you  ?" 

"  Certainly  I  have/'  Thaddeus  re 
plied;  "  and  why  shouldn't  I?  Doesn't 
he  combine  all  my  good  qualities  plus 
yours  ?  How  can  he  be  anything  else 
than  great  ?" 

"  I  am  afraid  there's  a  touch  of  vanity 
in  you/'  said  Mrs.  Perkins,  with  a  smile. 
"That  remark  certainly  indicates  it." 

"No  —  it's  not  vanity  in  me,"  said 
Thaddeus.  "It's  confidence  in  you. 
You've  assured  me  so  often  of  my  per 
fection  that  I  am  beginning  to  believe  in 
it ;  and  as  for  your  perfection,  I've  always 
believed  in  it.  Hence,  when  I  see  Teddy 
combining  your  perfect  qualities  with  my 
own,  I  regard  him  as  a  supernaturally 
promising  person — that  is,  I  do  until  he 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  103 

begins  to  show  the  influence  of  contact 
with  the  hired  man,  and  uses  language 
which  he  never  got  from  yon  or  from 
me." 

"Granting  that  he  is  great  at  twenty- 
five,"  said  Mrs.  Perkins,  after  a  few  mo 
ments'  reflection,  "is  that  such  a  horrible 
thing  ?" 

"It  isn't  for  the  parents  of  the  success 
ful  youth,  but  for  the  successful  youth 
himself  it's  something  awful,"  returned 
Thaddeus,  with  a  convincing  shake  of  the 
head.  "  If  no  one  ever  lived  beyond  the 
age  of  thirty-five  it  wouldn't  be  so  bad, 
but  think  of  living  to  be  even  so  young 
as  sixty,  with  a  big  reputation  to  sustain 
through  more  than  half  of  that  period  !  I 
wouldn't  want  to  have  to  sustain  a  big  name 
for  twenty-five  years.  Success  entails  con- 
spicuousness,  and  conspicuousness  makes 
error  almost  a  crime.  Put  your  mind  on 
it  for  a  moment.  Think  of  Teddy  here. 
How  nervous  it  would  make  him  in  every 
thing  he  undertook  to  feel  that  the  eyes 
of  the  world  were  upon  him.  And  take 


104  PASTE    JEWELS 

into  consideration  that  other  peculiarity 
of  human  nature  which  leads  us  all,  you 
and  me  as  well  as  every  one  else,  to  be 
lieve  that  the  man  who  does  not  progress 
is  going  backward,  that  there  is  no  such 
thing  as  standing  still ;  then  think  of  a 
man  illustrious  enough  for  seventy  at 
twenty-five — at  the  limit  of  success,  with 
all  those  years  before  him,  and  no  prog 
ress  possible  !  No,  my  dear.  Don't  let's 
talk  of  school  for  Teddy  yet." 

"I  am  sure  I  don't  want  to  force  him," 
said  Mrs.  Perkins,  "but  it  sometimes 
seems  to  me  that  he  needs  lessons  in  dis 
cipline.  I  can't  be  following  around 
after  him  all  the  time,  and  it  seems  to 
me  some  days  that  I  do  nothing  but  find 
fault  with  him.  I  don't  want  him  to 
think  Fm  a  stern  mother  ;  and  when  he 
tells  me,  as  he  did  yesterday,  that  he 
wishes  I'd  take  a  vacation  for  a  month,  I 
can't  blame  him." 

"Did  he  tell  you  that?"  asked  Thad- 
deus,  with  a  chuckle. 

"  Yes.  he  did,"  replied  Mrs.    Perkins. 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  105 

"I'd  kept  him  in  a  chair  for  an  hour  be 
cause  he  would  tease  Tommy,  and  when 
finally  I  let  him  go  I  told  him  that  he 
was  wearing  me  out  with  his  naughtiness. 
About  an  hour  later  he  came  back  and 
said,  ( You  have  an  awful  hard  time  bring- 
in'  me  up,  don't  you  ?'  I  said  yes,  and 
added  that  he  might  spare  me  the  ne 
cessity  of  scolding  him  so  often,  to  which 
he  replied  that  he'd  try,  but  thought  it 
would  be  better  if  I'd  take  a  vacation  for 
a  month.  lie  hadn't  much  hope  for  his 
own  improvement." 

Thaddeus  shook  internally. 

"  lie's  perfectly  wild,  too,  at  times," 
Mrs.  Perkins  continued.  "  He  wants  to 
do  such  fearful  things.  I  caught  him 
sliding  down  the  banisters  yesterday  head 
foremost,  and  you  know  how  he  was  at  the 
Mountain  House  all  summer  long.  Per 
fectly  irrepressible." 

"That's  very  true,"  said  Thaddeus.  " I 
was  speaking  of  it  to  the  doctor  up  there, 
and  asked  him  what  he  thought  I'd  better 
do." 


106  PASTE    JEWELS 

"And  what  did  he  say?"  asked  Mrs. 
Perkins. 

"  He  stated  his  firm  belief  that  there 
was  nothing  you  or  I  could  do  to  get  him 
down  to  a  basis,,  but  thought  Ilagenbeck 
might  accomplish  something." 

"No  doubt  he  thought  that,"  cried 
Bessie.  "  No  doubt  everybody  thought 
that,  but  it  wasn't  entirely  Teddy's  fault. 
If  there  is  anything  in  the  world  that  is 
well  calculated  to  demoralize  an  active- 
minded,  able-bodied  child,  it  is  hotel  life. 
Teddy  was  egged  on  to  all  sorts  of  indis 
cretions  by  everybody  in  the  hotel,  from 
the  bell-boys  up.  If  he'd  stand  on  his 
head  on  the  cashier's  desk,  the  cashier 
would  laugh  first,  and  then,  to  get  rid  of 
him,  would  suggest  that  he  go  into  the 
dining-room  and  play  with  the  head- 
waiter  ;  and  when  he  upset  the  contents 
of  his  bait -box  in  Mrs.  Harkaway's  lap, 
she  interfered  when  I  scolded  him,  and 
said  she  liked  it.  What  can  you  do  when 
people  talk  that  way  ?" 

"  Get  him  to  upset  his  bait-box  in  her 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  107 

lap  again/7  said  Thaddeus.  "I  think  if 
he  had  been  encouraged  to  do  that  as  a 
regular  thing,  every  morning  for  a  week, 
she'd  have  changed  her  tune.'" 

"  Well,  it  all  goes  to  prove  one  thing," 
said  Mrs.  Perkins, "and  that  is, Teddy  needs 
more  care  than  we  can  give  him  person 
ally.  We  are  too  lenient.  Whenever  you 
start  in  to  punish  him  it  ends  up  with  a 
game  ;  when  I  do  it,  and  he  says  something 
funny,  as  he  always  does,  I  have  to  laugh." 

"How  about  the  ounce-of -prevention 
idea  ?"  suggested  Thaddeus.  "We've  let 
him  go  without  a  nurse  for  a  year  now— 
why  can't  we  employ  a  maid  to  look  after 
him — not  to  boss  him,  but  to  keep  an  eye 
on  him — to  advise  him,  and,  in  case  he 
declines  to  accept  the  advice,  to  commu 
nicate  with  us  at  once  ?  All  he  needs  is 
directed  occupation.  As  he  is  at  pres 
ent,  he  directs  his  own  occupation,  with 
the  result  that  the  things  he  does  are  of 
an  impossible  sort." 

"  That  means  another  servant  for  me 
to  manage,"  sighed  Mrs.  Perkins. 


108  PASTE    JEWELS 

' '  True  ;  but  a  servant  is  easier  to  man 
age  than  Teddy.  You  can  discharge  a 
servant  if  she  becomes  impossible.  We've 
got  Teddy  for  keeps/'  said  Thaddeus. 

"  Very  well— so  be  it,"  said  Mrs.  Per 
kins.  "  You  are  right,  I  guess,  about 
school.  He  ought  not  to  be  forced,  and 
I'd  be  worried  about  him  all  the  time  he 
was  away,  anyhow." 

So  it  was  decided  that  Teddy  should 
have  a  nurse,  and  for  a  day  or  two  the 
subject  was  dropped.  Later  on  Mrs.  Per 
kins  reopened  it. 

"I've  been  thinking  all  day  about  Ted 
dy's  nurse,  Thaddeus/'  she  said,  one  even 
ing  after  dinner.  "  I  think  it  would  be 
nice  if  we  got  him  a  French  nurse.  Then 
he  could  learn  French  without  any  fore- 
ing." 

"Good  scheme,"  said  Thaddeus.  "I 
approve  of  that.  We  might  learn  a  little 
French  from  her  ourselves,  too." 

"  That's  what  I  thought,"  said  Bessie  ; 
and  that  point  was  decided.  The  new 
nurse  was  to  be  French,  and  the  happy 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  109 

parents  drew  beatific  visions  of  the  ease 
with  which  they  should  some  day  cope 
with  Parisian  hotel-keepers  and  others  in 
that  longed-for  period  when  they  should 
find  themselves  able,  financially,  to  visit 
the  French  capital. 

But— 

Ah  !  Those  buts  that  come  into  our 
lives!  Conjunctions  they  are  called  !  Are 
they  not  rather  terminals  ?  Are  they  not 
the  forerunners  of  chaos  in  the  best-laid 
plans  of  mankind  ?  If  for  every  "but" 
that  destroys  our  plan  of  action  there  were 
ready  always  some  better-succeeding  plan, 
then  might  their  conjunctive  force  seem 
more  potent ;  as  life  goes,  however,  unhap 
pily,  they  are  not  always  so  provided,  and 
the  English  "but" takes  on  its  Gallic  sig 
nificance,  which  leads  the  Frenchman  to 
define  it  as  meaning  "the  end." 

There  was  an  object-lesson  in  store  for 
the  Perkinses. 

On  the  Sunday  following  the  discus 
sion  with  which  this  story  opens,  the  Per 
kinses,  always  hospitable,  though  distinct- 


110  PASTE    JEWELS 

ly  unsociable  so  far  as  the  returning  of 
visits  went,  received  a  visit  from  their 
friends  the  Bradleys.  Ordinarily  a  visit 
from  one's  town  friends  is  no  very  great 
undertaking  for  a  suburban  host  or  host 
ess,  but  when  the  town  friends  have  chil 
dren  from  whom  they  are  inseparable,  and 
those  children  have  nurses  who,  whither 
soever  the  children  go,  go  there  also,  such 
a  visit  takes  on  proportions  the  stupen- 
dousness  of  which  I,  being  myself  a  sub 
urban  entertainer,  would  prefer  not  to  dis 
cuss,  fearing  lest  some  of  my  friends  with 
families,  recalling  these  words,  might  con 
sider  my  remarks  of  a  personal  nature. 
Let  me  be  content  with  saying,  therefore, 
that  when  the  Bradleys,  Mr.  and  Mrs., 
plus  Master  and  Miss,  plus  Harriet,  the 
English  nurse,  came  to  visit  the  Perkins 
homestead  that  Sunday,  it  was  a  momen 
tous  occasion  for  the  host  and  hostess, 
and,  furthermore,  like  many  another  mo 
mentous  occasion,  was  far-reaching  in  its 
results. 

In  short,  it  provided  the  Perkins  fain- 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  111 

ily  with  that  object-lesson  to  which  I  have 
already  alluded. 

The  Bradleys  arrived  on  Sunday  night, 
and  as  they  came  late  little  Harry  Brad 
ley  and  the  still  smaller  Jennie  Bradley 
were  tired,  and  hence  not  at  all  respon 
sive  to  the  welcomes  of  the  Perkinses, 
large  or  small.  They  were  excessively 
reticent.  When  Mrs.  Perkins,  kneeling  be 
fore  Master  Harry,  asked  him  the  wholly 
unnecessary  question,  "  Why,  is  this  Har 
ry  ?"  lie  refused  wholly  to  reply ;  nor  could 
the  diminutive  Jennie  be  induced  to  say 
anything  but  "  Yumps"  in  response  to  a 
similar  question  put  to  her,  "Yumps" 
being,  it  is  to  be  presumed,  a  juvenilism 
for  "Yes,  ma'am."  Hence  it  was  that 
the  object-lesson  did  not  begin  to  develop 
until  breakfast  on  Sunday  morning.  The 
first  step  in  the  lesson  was  taken  at  that 
important  meal,  when  Master  Harry  ob 
served,  in  stentorian  yet  sweetly  soprano 
tones : 

"  II i  wants  a  glarse  o7  milk/7 

To  which  his  nurse,  standing  behind 


112  PASTE    JEWELS 

his  chair  to  relieve  the  Perkinses'  maid  of 
the  necessity  of  looking  after  the  Bradley 
hopefuls,  replied  : 

"  'Ush,  'Any,  'ush  !  Wite  till  yer 
arsked." 

Mrs.  Bradley  nodded  approval  to  Har 
riet,  and  observed  quietly  to  Mrs.  Perkins 
that  Harriet  was  such  a  treasure  ;  she 
kept  the  children  so  well  in  subjection. 

The  incident  passed  without  making 
any  impression  upon  the  minds  of  any 
but  Thaddeus  junior,  who,  taking  his  cue 
from  Harry,  vociferously  asserted  that  he, 
too,  wished  a  glass  of  milk,  and  in  such 
terms  as  made  the  assertion  tantamount 
to  an  ultimatum. 

Then  Miss  Jennie  seemed  to  think  it 
was  her  turn. 

"  Hi  doan't  care  fer  stike.  Hi  wants 
chickin,"  said  she.  "  1'n't  there  goin'  ter 
be  no  kikes  ?" 

Mrs.  Perkins  laughed,  though  I  strong 
ly  suspect  that  Thaddeus  junior  would 
have  been  sent  from  the  table  had  he  vent 
ured  to  express  a  similar  sentiment.  Mrs. 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  113 

Bradley  blushed  ;  Bradley  looked  severe  ; 
Perkins  had  that  expression  which  all 
parents  have  when  other  people's  chil 
dren  are  involved,  and  which  implies  the 
thought.,  "If  you  were  mine  there'd  be 
trouble ;  but  since  you  are  not  mine,  how 
cunning  you  are  !"  But  Harriet,  the 
nurse,  met  the  problem.  She  said  : 

"Popper's  goin'  ter  have  stike,  Jinnie; 
m'yby  Mr.  Perkins  '11  give  yer  lots  o' 
gryvy.  Hit  i'n't  time  fer  the  kikes." 

Perhaps  I  ought  to  say  to  those  who 
have  not  studied  dialect  as  "  she  is  spoke  " 
that  the  word  m'yby  is  the  Seven  Dials 
idiom  for  maybe,  itself  more  or  less 
an  Americanism,  signifying  te  perhaps," 
while  "kikes"  is  a  controvertible  term 
for  cakes. 

After  breakfast,  as  a  matter  of  course, 
the  senior  members  of  both  families  at 
tended  divine  service,  then  came  dinner, 
and  after  dinner  the  usual  matching  of 
the  children  began.  The  hopefuls  of 
Perkins  were  matched  against  the  scions 
of  Bradley.  All  four  were  brought  down- 


114  PASTE    JEWELS 

stairs  and  into  the  parental  presence  in 
the  library. 

"  Your  Harry  is  a  fine  fellow,  Mrs. 
Bradley/'  said  Thaddeus. 

"Yes,  we  think  Harry  is  a  very  nice 
boy,"  returned  Mrs.  Bradley,  with  a  fond 
glance  at  the  youth. 

"  Wot  djer  si  about  me,  mar  ?"  asked 
Harry. 

"Nothing,  dear/'  replied  Mrs.  Bradley, 
raising  her  eyebrows  reprovingly. 

"Yes,  yer  did,  too/7  retorted  Harry. 
"  Yer  said  as  'ow  hi  were  a  good  boy." 

"Well,  'e  iVt,  then,''  interjected  Jen 
nie.  "'E's  a  bloornin'  mean  un.  'E  took 
a  knoife  an'  cut  open  me  doll." 

"'Ush,  Jinnie,  'ush  !"  put  in  the  nurse. 
"Don't  yer  tell  tiles  on  'Airy.  'E  didn't 
mean  ter  'urt  yer  doll.  'Twas  a  haxident." 

"No,  'twasn't  a  haxident,"  said  Jen 
nie.  "'E  done  it  a-purpice." 

"  Well,  wot  if  hi  did  ?"  retorted  Harry. 
"Didn't  yer  pull  the  tile  off  me  rockin'- 
'orse  ?" 

"  Well,  never  mind,"  said  Bradley,  see- 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  115 

ing  how  strained  things  were  getting. 
"Don't  quarrel  about  it  now.  It's  all 
done  and  gone,  and  I  dare  say  you  were 
both  a  little  to  blame." 

"'Hi  war'n't!"  said  Harry,  and  then 
the  subject  was  dropped.  The  children 
romped  in  and  out  through  the  library 
and  halls  for  some  time,  and  the  Bradleys 
and  Perkinses  compared  notes  on  various 
points  of  interest  to  both.  After  a  while 
they  again  reverted  to  the  subject  of  their 
children. 

"  Does  Harry  go  to  school  ?"  asked 
Bessie. 

"No,  we  think  he's  too  young  yet/' 
returned  Mrs.  Bradley.  "He  learns  a 
little  of  something  every  day  from  Har 
riet,  who  is  really  a  very  superior  girl. 
She  is  a  good  servant.  She  hasn't  been 
in  this  country  very  long,  and  is  English 
to  the  core,  as  you've  probably  noticed, 
not  only  in  her  way  of  comporting  her 
self,  but  in  her  accent." 

"Yes,  I've  observed  it,"  said  Bessie. 
"What  does  she  teach  him  ?" 


116  PASTE    JEWELS 

<(  Oh,  she  tells  him.  stories  that  are 
more  or  less  instructive,  and  she  reads 
to  him.  She's  taught  him  one  or  two 
pretty  little  songs  —  ballads,  you  know 
—  too.  Harry  has  a  sweet  little  voice. 
Harry,  dear,  won't  you  sing  that  song 
about  Mrs.  Henry  Hawkins  for  mam 
ma  ?" 

"  Don't  warn'ter,"  said  Harry.  "Hi'm 
sick  o'  that  bloomin'  old  song." 

"  Seems  to  me  I've  heard  it,"  said 
Thaddens.  "  As  I  remember  it,  Harry, 
it  was  very  pretty." 

"It  is/'  said  Bradley.  "  It's  the  one 
you  mean — 'Oh,  'Lizer!  dear'Lizer!  Mrs. 
'Ennery  'Awkins.'  Harry  sings  it  well, 
too ;  but  I  say,  Thad,  you  ought  to  hear 
the  nurse  sing  it.  It's  great." 

"I  should  think  it  might  be." 

"  She  has  the  accent  down  fine,  you 
know." 

"Sort  of  born  to  it,  eh  ?" 

"  Yes  ;  you  can't  cultivate  that  accent 
and  get  it  just  right." 

"I'll   do  'Dear  Old  Dutch'  for  yer," 


AN    OBJECT-LESSOX  117 

suggested  Harry.  "  Hi  likes  tbet  better  7n 
'Mrs.  'Awkins.'" 

So  Harry  deserted  "Mrs.  'Awkins"  and 
sang  that  other  pathetic  coster  -  ballad, 
"  Dear  Old  Dutch/'  and,  to  the  credit  of 
Harriet,  the  nurse,  it  must  be  said  that 
he  was  marvellously  well  instructed.  It 
could  not  have  been  done  better  had  the 
small  vocalist  been  the  own  son  of  a  Lon 
don  coster-monger  instead  of  the  scion  of 
an  American  family  of  refinement. 

Thus  the  day  passed.  Jennie  proved 
herself  quite  as  proficient  in  the  dialect 
of  Seven  Dials  as  was  Harry,  or  even 
Harriet,  and  when  she  consented  to  stand 
on  a  chair  and  recite  a  few  nursery 
rhymes,  there  was  not  an  unnoticed  "h" 
that  she  did  not,  sooner  or  later,  pick  up 
and  attach  to  some  other  word  to  which 
it  was  not  related,  as  she  went  along. 

In  short,  as  far  as  their  speech  was  con 
cerned,  thanks  to  association  with  Har 
riet,  Jennie  and  Harry  were  as  perfect  lit 
tle  cockneys  as  ever  ignored  an  aspirate. 

The  visit  of  the  Bradleys,  like  all  other 


118  PASTE    JEWELS 

things,  came  to  an  end,  and  Bessie,  Thad- 
deus,  and  the  children  were  once  more 
left  to  themselves.  Teddy  junior,  it  was 
observed,  after  his  day  with  Harry,  devel 
oped  a  slight  tendency  to  misplace  the 
letter  (C\\"  in  his  conversation,  but  it  was 
soon  corrected,  and  things  ran  smoothly 
as  of  yore.  Only — the  Only  being  the  nat 
ural  sequence  of  the  But  referred  to 
some  time  since — Mr.  and  Mrs.  Perkins 
changed  their  minds  about  the  French 
nurse,  and  it  came  about  in  this  way  : 

"  Thaddeus,"  said  Bessie,  after  the  Brad- 
leys  had  departed,  "what  is  the  tile  of  a 
rockin'-'orse  ?" 

"I  don't  know.  Why?"  asked  Thad- 
deus. 

"  Why,  don't  you  remember,"  she  said, 
"young  Harry  Bradley  accused  Jennie  of 
pulling  out  the  tile  of  his  rockin'-'orse  ?" 

<<  Oh  yes  !  Ha,  ha  I"  laughed  Thad- 
deus.  "So  she  did.  I  know  now.  Tile  is 
cockney  for  tail." 

"  Did  you  notice  the  accent  those  chil 
dren  had  ?" 


AN    OBJECT-LESSON  11& 

"Yes." 

"All  got  from  the  nurse,  too  ?" 

"True." 

"  Ah,  Teddy,  what  do  yon  think  of 
our  getting  a  French  maid,  after  all  ? 
Don't  you  think  that  we'd  run  a  great 
risk  ?" 

"Of  what?" 

"Of  having  Ted  speak — er — cockney 
French." 

"H'm— yes.  Very  likely,"  said  Thad- 
deus.  "I'd  thought  of  that  myself,  and, 
I  guess,  perhaps  we'd  better  stick  to 
Irish." 

"  So  do  I.  We  can  correct  any  ten 
dency  to  a  brogue,  don't  you  think  ?" 

"Certainly,"  said  Thaddeus.  "Or,  if 
we  couldn't,  it  wouldn't  be  fatal  to  the 
boy's  prospects.  It  might  even  help  him 
if  he— " 

"Help  him?     If  what  ?" 

"  If  he  ever  went  into  politics,"  said 
Perkins. 

And  that  was  the  object-lesson  which 
a  kindly  fate  gave  to  the  Perkinses  in 


120  PASTE    JEWELS 

time  to  prevent  their  engaging  a  French 
maid  for  the  children. 

As  to  its  value  as  a  lesson,  as  to  the 
value  of  its  results,  those  who  are  famil 
iar  with  French  as  spoken  by  nurse- 
instructed  youths  can  best  judge. 

I  am  not  unduly  familiar  with  that  or 
any  other  kind  of  French,  but  I  have 
ideas  in  the  matter. 


THE   CHRISTMAS   GIFTS   OF 
THADDEUS 


THE   CHRISTMAS   GIFTS   OF 
THADDEUS 

THAT  you  may  thoroughly  comprehend 
how  it  happened  that  on  last  Christmas 
Day  Thaddeus  meted  out  gifts  of  value  so 
unprecedented  to  the  domestics  of  what 
he  has  come  to  call  his  "  menagerie"- 
the  term  menage  having  seemed  to  him 
totally  inadequate  to  express  the  state  of 
affairs  in  his  household — I  must  go  back 
to  the  beginning  of  last  autumn,  and  nar 
rate  a  few  of  the  incidents  that  took  place 
between  that  period  and  the  season  of 
Peace  on  Earth  and  Good -will  to  Men. 
Should  I  not  do  so  there  would  be  many, 
I  doubt  not,  who  would  deem  Thaddeus's 
course  unjustifiable,  especially  when  we 
are  all  agreed  that  Christmas  Day  should 


124  PASTE    JEWELS 

be  for  all  sorts  and  conditions  of  men  the 
gladdest,  happiest  day  of  all  the  year. 

Thaddeus  and  Bessie  and  the  little 
Thad  had  returned  to  their  attractive 
home  after  an  absence  of  two  months  in 
a  section  of  the  Adirondacks  whither  the 
march  of  civilization  had  not  carried  such 
comforts  as  gas,  good  beds,  and  other  lux 
uries,  to  which  the  little  family  had  be 
come  so  accustomed  that  real  camp-life, 
with  its  beds  of  balsam,  lights  of  tallow, 
and  "fried  coffee,"  possessed  no  charms 
for  them.  They  were  all  renewed  in  spir 
it  and  quite  ready  to  embark  once  more 
upon  the  troubled  seas  of  house-keeping; 
and,  as  they  saw  it  on  that  first  night  at 
home,  their  crew  was  a  most  excellent 
one.  The  cook  rose  almost  to  the  exalted 
level  of  a  chef  in  the  estimation  of  Thad 
deus  as  course  upon  course,  to  the  num 
ber  of  seven,  each  made  up  of  some  deli 
cacy  of  the  season,  came  to  the  table  and 
received  the  indorsement  which  comes 
from,  total  consumption.  They  were  well 
served,  too,  these  courses ;  and  the  two 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF   THADDEUS      125 

heads  of  the  family,  when  Mary,  the  wait 
ress,  would  enter  the  butler's  pantry,  leav 
ing  them  alone  and  unobserved,  nodded 
their  satisfaction  to  each  other  across  the 
snow-white  cloth,  and  by  means  of  certain 
well-established  signals,  such  as  shaking 
their  own  hands  and  winking  the  left 
eye  simultaneously,  with  an  almost  vicious 
jerk  of  the  head,  silently  congratulated 
themselves  upon  the  prospects  of  a  peace 
ful  future  in  a  domestic  sense. 

"  That  was  just  the  best  dinner  I  have 
had  in  centuries,'7  said  Thaddeus,  as  they 
adjourned  to  the  library  after  the  meal 
was  over.  <f  The  broiled  chicken  was  so 
good,  Bess,  that  for  a  moment  I  wished 
I  were  a  bachelor  again,  so  that  I  could 
have  it  all ;  and  after  I  got  over  my  first 
feeling  of  hesitation  over  the  oysters,  and 
realized  that  it  was  September  with  an  R 
— belated,  it  is  true,  but  still  there — and 
ate  six  of  them,  I  think  I  could  have  gone 
down -stairs  and  given  cook  a  diamond 
ring  with  seven  solitaires  in  it  and  a  re 
ceipted  bill  for  a  seal-skin  sacque.  I  don't 


126  PASTE    JEWELS 

see  how  we  ever  could  have  thought  of 
discharging  her  last  June,  do  you  ?" 

"It  was  a  good  dinner,"  said  Bessie, 
discreetly  ignoring  the  allusion  to  their 
intentions  in  June  ;  for  she  had  a  well- 
defined  recollection  that  at  that  time 
Bridget  had  given  signs  of  emotional  in 
sanity  every  time  she  was  asked  to  pre 
pare  a  five-o'clock  breakfast  for  Thaddeus 
and  his  friends,  to  the  number  of  six,  who 
had  acquired  the  habit  of  going  oft'  on 
little  shooting  trips  every  Saturday,  mak 
ing  the  home  of  Thaddeus  their  head 
quarters  over  Sunday,  when  the  game  the 
huntsmen  had  bagged  the  day  before  had 
to  be  plucked,  cleaned,  and  cooked  by 
her  own  hands  for  dinner.  "And  it  was 
nicely  selected,  too/'  she  added.  "  Isome- 
times  think  that  Fll  let  Bridget  do  the 
ordering  at  the  market." 

"H'm!  Well,"  said  Thaddeus,  shak 
ing  his  head  dubiously,  "I  haven't  a  doubt 
that  Bridget  could  do  it,  and  would  be 
very  glad  to  do  it ;  but  I  don't  believe  in 
setting  a  cook  up  in  business." 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      127 

"  How  do  you  mean  ?" 

"  I  mean  that  I  haven't  any  doubt  that 
Bridget  would  in  a  very  short  time  be 
come  a  highly  successful  produce-broker 
with  bull  tendencies.  The  chicken  mar 
ket  would  be  buoyant,  and  the  quotations 
on  the  Stock  Exchange  of,  say,  B.,  S., 
and  P.-U.-C. — otherwise,  Beef,  Succotash, 
and  Picked-Up-Codfish  —  would  rise  to 
the  highest  point  in  years.  Why,  my  dear, 
by  Christmas-time  cook  would  have  our 
surplus  in  her  own  pocket-book  ;  and  in 
the  place  of  the  customary  five  oranges 
and  an  apple  she  would  receive  from  the 
butcher  a  Christmas-card  in  the  shape  of 
a  check  of  massive,  if  not  graceful,  pro 
portions.  No,  Bess,  I  think  the  old  way 
is  the  best." 

"Perhaps  it  is.  By-the-way,  John  has 
kept  the  grounds  looking  well,  hasn't  he  ? 
The  lawn  doesn't  seem  to  have  a  weed  on 
it,"  said  Bessie,  walking  to  the  window 
and  gazing  out  at  the  soft  velvety  sward 
in  the  glow  of  twilight. 

"  Yes,  it  looks  pretty  well ;  but  there's 


128  PASTE    JEWELS 

a  small  heap  of  stuff  over  there  near  the 
fence  which  rather  inclines  me  to  believe 
that  the  weeds  have  been  pulled  out  with 
in  the  last  few  days — in  fact,  since  you 
wrote  to  announce  our  return.  John  is 
an  energetic  man  in  an  emergency,  and  I 
haven't  a  doubt  he  has  been  here  at  least 
once  a  week  ever  since  we  left.  Fll  keep 
a  record  of  John  this  fall." 

And  so  the  two  contented  home-comers 
talked  happily  along,  and  when  they 
closed  their  eyes  in  sleep  that  night  they 
were,  upon  the  whole,  very  well  satisfied 
with  life. 

Weeks  elapsed,  and  with  them  some  of 
the  air-castles  collapsed.  Whether  cus 
tom  staled  the  infinite  variety  of  the  cook's 
virtues,  and  age  withered  the  efficiency 
of  Mary,  the  waitress,  or  whether  some 
thing  was  really  and  radically  wrong 
with  the  girls,  Thaddeus  and  Bessie 
could  not  make  out.  Certain  it  was, 
however,  that  by  slow  degrees  the  sat 
isfaction  for  which  that  first  dinner 
seemed  to  stand  as  guarantor  wore  away, 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      129 

and  dissatisfaction  entered  the  household. 
Mary  developed  a  fondness  for  church  at 
most  inconvenient  hours — hours  at  which, 
in  fact,  neither  Thaddeus  nor  Bessie  had 
ever  supposed  church  could  be.  That  it 
was  eternal  they  both  knew,  but  they  had 
always  supposed  there  were  intermissions. 
Then  the  cook's  family,  which  had  hith 
erto  been  moderately  healthful,  began  to 
show  signs  of  invalidism,  though  no  such 
calamity  as  actual  dissolution  ever  set 
its  devastating  step  within  the  charmed 
circle  of  her  relatives.  Cousins  fell  ill 
whom  she  alone  could  comfort ;  nephews 
developed  maladies  for  which  she  alone 
could  care  ;  and,  according  to  Thaddeus's 
record,  John  had  been  compelled  on 
penalty  of  a  fine  to  attend  the  funerals 
of  some  twenty -four  deceased  intimate 
friends  in  less  than  two  months,  although 
the  newspapers  contained  no  mention  of 
the  existence  of  a  possible  epidemic  in 
the  Celtic  quarter.  It  is  true  that  John 
showed  a  more  pronounced  desire  to 
make  his  absence  less  inconvenient  to  his 


130  PASTE    JEWELS 

employer  than  did  Mary  and  the  cook, 
by  providing  a  substitute  when  the  An 
cient  Order  of  Funereal  Hibernians  com 
pelled  him  to  desert  the  post  of  duty ;  but 
Thaddeus  declared  the  "  remedy  worse 
than  the  disease,"  for  the  reason  that 
John's  substitute  —  his  own  brother-in- 
law — was  a  weaver  by  trade,  whose  bas 
kets  the  public  did  not  appreciate,  and 
whose  manner  of  cutting  grass  in  the 
early  fall  and  of  tending  furnace  later  on 
was  atrocious. 

"  If  I  could  hire  that  man  in  summer," 
Thaddeus  remarked  one  night  when 
John's  substitute  had  "fixed"  the  fur 
nace  so  that  the  library  resembled  a  cold- 
storage  room,  "I  think  we  could  make 
this  house  an  arctic  paradise.  He  seems 
to  have  a  genius  for  taking  warmth  by  the 
neck  and  shaking  enough  degrees  of  heat 
out  of  it  to  turn  a  conflagration  into  an 
iceberg.  I  think  I'll  tell  the  Fire  Com 
missioners  about  him." 

"  He  can't  compare  with  John,"  was 
Bessie's  answer  to  this. 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      131 

"No.  I  think  that's  why  John  sends 
him  here  when  he  is  off  riding  in  car 
riages  in  honor  of  his  deceased  chums. 
By  the  side  of  Dennis,  John  is  a  jewel/' 

"John  is  very  faithful  with  the  fur 
nace/'  said  Bessie.  "  He  never  lets  it 
go  down.  Why,  day  before  yesterday  I 
turned  off  every  register  in  the  house, 
and  even  then  had  to  open  all  the  win 
dows  to  keep  from  suffocating." 

"  But  that  wasn't  all  John,  my  dear," 
said  Thaddeus.  "The  Weather  Bureau  had 
something  to  do  with  it.  It  was  a  warm 
day  for  this  season  of  the  year,  anyhow. 
If  John  could  combine  the  two  businesses 
of  selling  coal  and  feeding  furnaces,  I 
think  he  would  become  a  millionaire. 
And,  by-the-way,  I  think  you  ought  to 
speak  to  him,  Bess,  about  the  windows. 
Since  you  gave  him  the  work  of  window- 
cleaning  to  do,  it  is  evident  that  he 
thinks  I  have  nothing  to  say  in  the  mat 
ter,  for  he  persistently  ignores  my  re 
quests  that  he  clean  them  in  squares  as 
they  are  made,  and  not  rub  up  a  little 


132  PASTE    JEWELS 

circle  in  the  middle,  so  that  they  look 
like  blocks  of  opalescent  glass  with  plate- 
glass  bulls'-eyes  let  into  the  centre.  Look 
at  them  now." 

"  Dennis  did  that.  John  had  to  go  to 
Mount  Vernon  with  his  militia  company 
to-day/7 

"Ah  I  Dennis  is  well  named,  for  his 
name  is —  But  never  mind.  I'll  credit 
John  with  his  twelfth  day  off  in  four 
weeks." 

From  John  to  Bridget,  in  the  matter 
of  days  off,  was  an  easy  step,  though  such 
was  Bessie's  consummate  diplomacy  that 
Thaddeus  would  probably  have  contin 
ued  in  ignorance  of  the  extent  to  which 
Bridget  absented  herself  had  they  not 
both  taken  occasion  one  day  to  visit  some 
relatives  in  Philadelphia,  and  on  their 
return  home  at  night  found  no  dinner 
awaiting  them. 

"What's  the  matter  now  ?"  asked  Thad 
deus,  a  little  crossly,  perhaps,  for  visiting 
relatives  in  Philadelphia  invariably  irri 
tated  him — possibly  because  he  and  they 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      133 

did  not  agree  in  politics,  and  their  as 
sumption  that  Thaddeus's  party  was  en 
tirely  made  up  of  the  ignorant  and  self- 
seeking  was  galling  to  him.  "  Why  isn't 
dinner  ready  ?" 

"  Mary  says  that  an  hour  after  we  left 
cook  got  a  telegram  from  New  York  say 
ing  that  her  brother  was  dying,  and  she 
had  to  go  right  off." 

"  I  thought  that  brother  was  dying  last 
week  ?" 

"  No ;  that  was  her  mother's  brother.  He 
got  well.  This  is  another  person  entirely." 

"Naturally,"  snapped  Thaddeus.  "But 
next  time  we  get  a  cook  let's  have  one 
whose  relatives  are  all  dead,  or  in  the  old 
country,  where  they  can't  be  reached. 
I'm  tired  of  this  business." 

"  Well,  you  shouldn't  be  cross  with  me 
about  it,  Thad,"  said  Bessie,  with  a  teary 
look  in  her  eyes.  "  I  have  to  put  up  with 
a  great  deal  more  of  it  than  you  have, 
only  you  never  know  of  it.  Why,  I've 
cooked  one-half  of  my  own  luncheons  in 
the  last  month." 


134  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  And  the  dinners,  too,  I'll  wager/' 
growled  Thaddens. 

"  No  ;  she's  always  got  home  for  din 
ner  heretofore." 

"  Well,  we'll  keep  a  record -book  for 
her,  too,  then.  And  we'll  be  generous 
with  her.  We'll  allow  her  just  as  I  was 
allowed  in  college — twenty-five  per  cent, 
in  cuts.  If  she  has  twenty-five  and  a  fifth 
per  cent,  she  goes." 

"  I  don't  think  I  understand,"  said 
Bessie. 

"  Well,  we'll  put  it  this  way  :  There 
are  thirty  days  in  a  month.  That  means 
ninety  meals  a  month.  If  she  cooks  sixty- 
seven  and  a  half  of  them  she  can  stay ; 
if  she  fails  to  cook  the  other  twenty-two 
and  a  half  she  can  stay ;  but  woe  be  unto 
her  if  she  slips  up  by  even  so  little  as  a 
millionth  part  of  the  sixty-eighth  !" 

"  I  don't  see  how  you  can  manage  the 
half  part  of  it." 

"We'll  leave  that  to  her,"  said  Thad- 
deus,  firmly  ;  "  and,  what  is  more,  we'll 
put  John  and  Mary  on  the  same  basis, 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      135 

and  Dennis  we  won't  have  on  any  basis  at 
all.  A  man  who  will  take  advantage  of 
his  brother's  absence  at  a  wake  to  black 
the  shoes  of  that  brother's  only  employer 
with  stove-polish  is  not  the  kind  of  a  man 
I  want  to  have  around." 

"  It  will  be  a  very  good  plan/'  said 
Bessie,  "  for  all  except  Mary.  Her  ab 
sences  she  cannot  well  avoid.  She  has  to 
go  to  church." 

"  How  many  times  a  week  does  she 
have  to  go  ?"  queried  Thaddens. 

"  She  is  required  to  go  to  confession." 

"Well,  let  her  reform,  and  then  she'll 
have  nothing  to  go  to  confession  for.  I 
don't  believe  that's  where  she  goes,  either. 
I  notice  that  one-half  those  evenings  she 
takes  off,  permitting  me  to  mind  the  front 
door,  and  enabling  us  both  to  acquire 
proficiency  in  the  art  of  helping  ourselves 
at  dinner,  there's  a  fireman's  ball  or  a 
policeman's  hop  or  a  letter-carriers'  the 
atre  party  going  on  somewhere  in  the 
county,  and  it's  my  belief  the  worship 
ping  she  does  on  these  occasions  is  at  the 


136  PASTE    JEWELS 

shrine  of  Terpsichore  or  that  of  Melpom 
ene,  which  is  a  heathen  custom  and  not 
to  be  tolerated  here.  If  she's  so  fond  of 
living  in  church  we  can  quote  to  her 
Hamlet's  advice  to  Ophelia — '  Get  thee 
to  a  nunnery  !'  Why,  Bess,  I  was  morti 
fied  to  death  the  other  night  when  Brad 
ley  dined  here.  He's  all  the  time  brag 
ging  about  his  menagerie,  and  I  tried  to 
bluff  him  out  and  make  him  believe  we 
were  waited  on  by  angels  in  disguise,  and 
you  know  what  happened.  He  came, 
saw,  and  I  was  regularly  knocked  out. 
You  let  us  in  ;  we  waited  on  ourselves  ; 
cook  had  prepared  the  seven-o'clock  din 
ner  at  five  to  give  her  a  chance  to  go  to 
the  hospital  to  see  her  brother  -  in  -  law 
with  the  measles  ;  John  had  one  of  his 
Central -African  fires  on,  and  Bradley 's 
laughing  about  it  yet." 

"  Mr.  Bradley  was  very  disagreeable 
the  other  night,  anyhow,'7  sniffed  Bes 
sie.  "He  acted  as  if  he  were  camping 
out !" 

"Well,  I  can't  honestly  say  I  blame  him 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      137 

for  that,"  retorted  Tliaddeus.  "  It  only 
needed  a  balsam  bed  and  a  hole  in  the 
roof  to  let  the  rain  in  on  him  to  com 
plete  the  illusion." 

Finally,  December  came,  and  the  ten 
dencies  of  absenteeism  on  the  part  of  the 
servants  showed  no  signs  of  abatement. 
They  were  remonstrated  with,  but  it  made 
no  difference.  They  didn't  go  out,  they 
declared,  because  they  wanted  to,  but  be 
cause  they  had  to.  Cook  couldn't  let  her 
relatives  go  unattended.  Mary's  religious 
scruples  simply  dragged  her  out  of  the 
house,  try  as  she  would  to  stay  in ;  and  nq 
for  John,  as  long  as  Dennis  was  on  hand 
to  take  his  place  he  couldn't  see  why 
Mr.  Perkins  was  dissatisfied.  To  tell  the 
truth,  John  had  recently  imbibed  some 
more  or  less  capitalistic — or  anticapital- 
istic — doctrines,  and  he  was  quite  inca 
pable  of  understanding  why,  if  a  street- 
contractor,  for  instance,  was  permitted 
by  the  laws  of  the  land  to  sublet  the 
work  for  which  he  had  contracted,  he, 
John,  should  not  be  permitted  to  sub- 


138  PASTE    JEWELS 

let  bis  contract  to  Dennis,  piecemeal, 
or  even  as  a  whole,  if  lie  saw  fit  to 
do  so. 

Thaddeus,  seeing  that  Bessie  was  very 
much  upset  by  the  condition  of  affairs, 
had  said  little  about  it  since  Thanksgiv 
ing  Day,  when  he  had  said  about  as  much 
as  the  subject  warranted  after  a  six- 
course  dinner  had  been  hurried  through 
in  one  hour,  two  courses  having  been 
omitted  that  Bridget  might  catch  the 
train  leaving  for  J\rew  York  at  3.10.  Nor 
would  he  have  said  anything  further  than 
the  final  words  of  dismissal  had  he  not 
come  home  late  one  afternoon  to  dress 
for  a  dinner  at  his  club,  when  he  discov 
ered  that,  owing  to  the  usual  causes,  the 
week's  wash,  which  the  combined  efforts 
of  cook  and  waitress  should  have  finished 
that  day,  was  delayed  twenty-four  hours, 
the  consequence  being  that  Thaddeus  had 
to  telephone  to  the  haberdashery  for  a 
dress-shirt  and  collar. 

"It's  bad  enough  having  one's  wife  buy 
these  things  for  one,  but  when  it  comes 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      139 

to  having  a  salesman  sell  you  over  a  tele 
phone  the  style  of  shirt  and  collar  'he 
always  wears  himself/  it  is  maddening," 
began  Thaddeus,  and  then  he  went  on 
at  such  an  outrageous  rate  that  Bessie 
became  hysterical,  and  Thaddeus's  con 
science  would  not  permit  of  his  going  out 
at  all  that  night,  and  that  was  the  begin 
ning  of  the  end. 

"  I'll  fix  "em  at  Christmas-time,"  said 
Thaddeus. 

"You  won't  forget  them  at  Christmas, 
I  hope,  Thad,"  said  Bessie,  whose  forgiv 
ing  nature  would  not  hear  of  anything  so 
ungenerous  as  forgetting  the  servants  dur 
ing  the  holidays. 

"  No,"  laughed  Thaddeus.  "  I  won't 
forget  'ern.  I'll  give  'em  all  the  very 
things  they  like  best." 

"  Oh,  I  see,"  smiled  Bessie.  "  On  the 
coals-of-fire  principle.  Well,  I  shouldn't 
wonder  but  it  would  work  admirably. 
Perhaps  they'll  be  so  ashamed  they'll  do 
better." 

"  Perhaps — if  the  coals  do  not  burn  too 


140  PASTE    JEWELS 

deep,"  said  Thaddeus,  with  a  significant 
smile. 

Christmas  Eve  arrived,  and  little  Thad's 
tree  was  dressed,  the  gifts  were  arranged 
beneath  it,  and  all  seemed  in  readiness 
for  the  dawning  of  the  festal  day,  when 
Bessie,  taking  a  mental  inventory  of  the 
packages  and  discovering  nothing  among 
them  for  the  servants  save  her  own  usu 
al  contribution  of  a  dress  and  a  pair  of 
gloves  for  each,  turned  and  said  to  Thad 
deus  : 

"  Where  are  the  hot  coals  ?" 

"  The  what  ?"  asked  Thaddeus. 

"  The  coals  of  fire  for  the  girls  and 
John." 

"  Oh  !"  Thaddeus  replied,  "  I  have  'em 
in  the  library.  I  don't  think  they'll  go 
well  with  the  tree." 

ee  What  are  they  ?"  queried  Bess,  with 
a  natural  show  of  curiosity.  "  Checks  ?" 

"  Yes,  partly,"  said  Thaddeus.  "Mary 
is  to  have  a  check  for  $16,  Bridget  one 
for  $18,  and  John  one  for  $40." 

"  Why,  Thaddeus,  that's   extravagant. 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      HI 

Now,  my  dear,  there's  no  use  of  your 
doing  anything  of  that — 

"  Wait  and  see,"  said  Thaddeus. 

"  But,  Teddy  !"  Bessie  remonstrated. 
"  Those  are  the  amounts  of  their  wages. 
You  will  spoil  them,  and  if  I— 

"As  I  said  before,  wait,  Bess,  wait  I"  said 
Thaddeus,  calmly.  "  You'll  understand 
the  whole  scheme  to-morrow,  after  break 
fast/' 

And  she  did,  and  when  she  did  she  al 
most  wished  for  a  moment  that  she  didn't, 
for  after  breakfast  Thaddeus  summoned 
the  three  offenders  into  his  presence,  and 
the  effect  was  not  altogether  free  from 
painful  features  to  the  forgiving  Bess. 

"  Bridget,"  Thaddeus  said,  "  do  you 
remember  what  Mrs.  Perkins  gave  you 
last  Christmas  ?" 

"  I  do  not  !"  replied  Bridget,  rather 
uncompromisingly ;  for  it  was  a  matter 
of  history  that  she  thought  Mrs.  Perkins 
on  the  last  Christmas  festival  had  shown 
signs  of  parsimony  in  giving  her  a  calico 
gown  instead  of  one  of  silk. 


142  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  Well,  you  won't  forget  next  year 
what  you  got  this/'  said  Thaddeus,  dry 
ly.  "Here  is  an  envelope  containing 
$18,  the  amount  of  your  wages  until  Jan 
uary  1st.  Mary,  what  did  you  get  last 
Christmas  ?" 

"A  box  of  candy,  sir." 

"Nothing  else?" 

"I  believe  there  was  a  dress  of  some 
kind.  I  gave  it  to  my  cousin." 

"Good.  I  am  glad  you  were  so  gen 
erous.  Here  is  an  envelope  for  you.  It 
has  $16  in  it,  your  wages  up  to  January 
1st," 

Bessie  stood  in  the  door-way,  a  mute 
witness  to  what  seemed  to  her  an  incom 
prehensible  scene. 

"John,  what  did  you  get  ?" 

"Foive  dollars  an'  a  day  off." 

"  And  a  two-dollar  bill  for  Dennis,  eh  ?" 

"Dennis  got  that." 

"  True.  Well,  John,  here's  $40  for  you 
— that  pays  you  until  January  1st.  Now, 
it  strikes  me  that,  considering  the  behav 
ior  of  you  three  people,  I  am  very  gener- 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    THADDEUS      143 

ons  to  pay  you  your  wages  a  week  in  ad 
vance,  but  I  am  not  going  to  stop  there. 
I  have  studied  you  all  very  carefully,  and 
I've  tried  to  discover  what  it  is  you  are 
fondest  of.  Cook  and  Mary  do  not  seem 
to  care  much  for  dresses,  though  I  believe 
there  are  dresses  and  gloves  under  the 
tree  for  them,  which  fact  they  will  doubt 
less  forget  by  next  Christmas  Day.  The 
five  dollars  and  a  day  off  John  seems  to 
remember,  though  from  his  manner  of 
recalling  it  I  do  not  think  his  remem 
brance  is  a  very  pleasing  one.  Now  I've 
found  out  what  it  is  you  all  like  the  best, 
and  Fm  going  to  give  it  to  you." 

Here  the  trio  endeavored  to  appear  gra 
cious,  though  they  were  manifestly  un 
easy  and  a  bit  dissatisfied  with  what  John 
would  have  called  "  the  Inks  of  t'ings." 

"  Cook,  from  the  1st  of  January,  may 
go  to  her  relatives,  and  stay  until  they're 
every  one  of  them  restored  to  health,  if 
it  takes  forty  years.  Mary  may  consider 
herself  presented  with  sixty  years'  vaca 
tion  without  pay  ;  and  for  you,  John,  I 


144  PASTE    JEWELS 

have  written  this  letter  of  recommenda 
tion  to  the  proprietors  of  a  large  under 
taking  establishment  in  New  York,  who 
will,  I  trust,  engage  you  as  a  chief  mourn 
er,  or  perhaps  hearse-driver,  for  the  bal 
ance  of  your  days.  At  any  rate,  you,  too, 
after  January  1st,  may  consider  yourself 
free  to  go  to  any  funeral  or  militia  exer 
cises,  or  anything  else  you  may  choose  to 
honor  with  your  presence,  at  your  own  ex 
pense.  You  are  all  given  leave  of  absence 
without  pay  until  further  notice.  I  wish 
you  a  merry  Christmas.  Good-morning." 

There  were  no  farewells  in  the  house 
that  day  ;  and  inasmuch  as  there  was  no 
Christmas  dinner  either,  Thaddeus  and 
Bessie  did  not  miss  the  service  of  the 
waitress,  who,  when  last  seen,  was  walk 
ing  airily  off  towards  the  station,  accom 
panied  by  the  indignant  John  and  a  bun 
dle-laden  cook.  Next  day  their  trunks 
went  also. 

"  It  was  rather  a  hard  thing  to  do  on 
Christmas  Day,  Thaddeus,"  said  Bessie, 
a  little  later. 


THE    CHRISTMAS    GIFTS    OF    TIIADDEUS      145 

"Oh  no,"  quibbled  Thaddeus.  "  It  was 
very  easy  under  the  circumstances,  and 
quite  appropriate.  This  is  the  time  of 
peace  on  earth  and  good -will  to  men. 
The  only  way  for  us  to  have  peace  on 
eart.li  was  to  get  rid  of  those  two  women  ; 
and  as  for  John,  he  has  my  good-will,  now 
that  he  is  no  longer  in  my  employ." 


A   STRANGE    BANQUET 


A   STRANGE   BANQUET 

"THADDEUS,"  said  Bessie  to  her  hus 
band  as  they  sat  at  breakfast  one  morn 
ing,  shortly  after  the  royal  banquet  over 
which  ' '  Grimmiris  "  had  presided,  "  did 
you  hear  anything  strange  in  the  house 
last  night  ?  Something  like  a  footstep  in 
the  hall  ?" 

"  No,"  said  Thaddeus.  "  I  slept  like  a 
top  last  night.  I  didn't  hear  anything. 
Did  you  ?" 

"I  thought  so,"  said  Bessie.  "About 
two  o'clock  I  waked  up  with  a  start,  and 
while  it  may  have  been  a  sort  of  waking 
dream,  I  was  almost  certain  I  heard  a 
rustling  sound  out  in  the  hall,  and  im 
mediately  after  a  creaking  on  the  stairs, 
as  though  there  was  somebody  there." 

"Well,  why  on  earth  didn't  you  wake 


150  PASTE    JEWELS 

me,  Bess?"  returned  Thaddeus.  "I 
could  easily  have  decided  the  matter  by 
getting  up  and  investigating." 

"  That  was  why  I  didn't  wake  you,  Ted 
dy.  I'd  a  great  deal  rather  lose  the  silver 
or  anything  else  in  the  house  a  burglar 
might  want  than  have  you  hit  on  the  head 
with  a  sand -club/'  said  Bessie.  "You 
men  are  too  brave." 

"Thank  you,"  said  Thaddeus,  with  a 
smile,  as  he  thought  of  a  certain  discus 
sion  he  had  had  not  long  before  at  the 
club,  in  which  he  and  several  other  brave 
men  had  reached  the  unanimous  conclu 
sion  that  the  best  thing  to  do  at  dead  of 
night,  with  burglars  in  the  house,  was 
to  crawl  down  under  the  bedclothes  and 
snore  as  loudly  as  possible.  "Neverthe 
less,  my  dear,  you  should  have  told  me." 

"  I  will  next  time,"  said  Bessie. 

"  Was  anything  in  the  house  dis 
turbed  ?"  Thaddeus  asked. 

"No,"  said  Bessie.  "Not  a  thing,  as 
far  as  I  can  find  out.  Mary  says  that 
everything  was  all  right  when  she  came 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  161 

down,  and  the  cook  apparently  found 
things  straight,  because  she  hasn't  said 
anything." 

So  Thaddeus  and  Bessie  made  up  their 
minds  that  the  latter  had  been  dreaming, 
and  that  nothing  was  wrong.  Two  or 
three  days  later,  however,  they  changed 
their  minds  on  the  subject.  There  was 
something  decidedly  wrong,  but  what  it 
was  they  could  not  discover.  They  were 
both  awakened  by  a  rustling  sound  in  the 
hallway,  outside  of  their  room,  and  this 
time  there  was  a  creak  on  the  stairs  that 
was  unmistakable. 

"  Don't  move,  Thaddeus,"  said  Bessie, 
in  a  terrified  whisper,  as  Thaddeus  made 
a  brave  effort  to  get  up  and  personally 
investigate.  "  I  wouldn't  have  you  hurt 
for  all  the  world,  and  there  isn't  a  thing 
dowTn-stairs  they  can  take  that  we  can't 
afford  to  lose." 

Thaddeus  felt  very  much  as  Bessie  did, 
and  it  would  have  pleased  him  much  bet 
ter  to  lie  quietly  where  he  was  than  run 
the  risk  of  an  encounter  with  thieves. 


152  PASTE    JEWELS 

He  had  been  brave  enough  in  the  com 
pany  of  men  to  advocate  cowardice  in  an 
emergency  of  just  this  sort,  but  now  that 
this  same  course  was  advocated  by  his 
wife,  he  saw  it  in  a  different  light.  Pru 
dence  was  possible,  cowardice  was  not. 
He  must  get  up,  and  get  up  he  did  ;  but 
before  going  out  of  his  room  he  secured 
his  revolver,  which  had  lain  untouched 
and  unloaded  in  his  bureau -drawer  for 
two  years,  and  then  advanced  cautiously 
to  the  head  of  the  stairs  and  listened — 
Bessie  meanwhile  having  buried  her  face 
in  her  pillow  as  a  possible  means  of  as 
suaging  her  fears.  It  is  singular  what  a 
soothing  effect  a  soft  feather  pillow  some 
times  has  upon  the  agitated  nerves  if  the 
nose  of  the  agitated  person  is  thrust  far 
enough  into  its  yielding  surface. 

"Who  is  there?"  cried  Thaddeus, 
standing  at  the  head  of  the  stairs,  his 
knees  all  of  a  shake,  but  whether  from 
fear  or  from  cold,  as  an  admirer  of  Thad 
deus  I  prefer  not  to  state. 

Apparently  the  stage-whisper  in  which 


A    STRANGE     BANQUET  153 

this  challenge  to  a  possible  burglar  was 
uttered  rendered  it  unavailing,  for  there 
was  no  reply  ;  but  that  there  was  some 
one  below  who  could  reply  Thaddeus  was 
now  convinced,  for  there  were  sounds  in 
the  library  —  sounds,  however,  suggestive 
of  undue  attention  to  domestic  duties 
rather  than  of  that  which  fate  has  map 
ped  out  for  house-breakers.  The  library 
floor  was  apparently  being  swept. 

"  That's  the  biggest  idiot  of  a  burglar 
Fve  ever  heard  of,"  said  Thaddeus,  re 
turning  to  his  room. 

"  Wh-wha-what,  d -dud- dear  ?"  mum 
bled  Mrs.  Perkins,  burying  her  ear  in  the 
pillow  for  comfort  now  that  she  was  com 
pelled  to  take  her  nose  away  so  that  she 
might  talk  intelligibly. 

"  I  say  that  burglar  must  be  an  idiot," 
repeated  Thaddeus.  "What  do  you  sup 
pose  he  is  doing  now  ?" 

"  Wh-wha-what,  d-dud-dear  ?"  asked 
Bessie,  apparently  unable  to  think  of  any 
formula  other  than  this  in  speaking,  since 
this  was  the  second  time  she  had  used  it. 


154  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  He  is  sweeping  the  library." 

"  Then  you  must  not  go  down/7  cried 
Bessie,  sitting  up,  and  losing  her  fear  for 
a  moment  in  her  anxiety  for  her  hus 
band's  safety.  "  A  burglar  you  might 
manage,  but  a  maniac — " 

"I  must  go,  Bess,"  said  Thaddeus, 
firmly. 

"  Then  Fm  going  with  you,"  said  Mrs. 
Perkins,  with  equal  firmness. 

"  Now,  Bess,  don't  be  foolish,"  return 
ed  Thaddeus,  his  face  assuming  a  graver 
expression  than  his  wife  had  ever  seen 
there.  "  This  is  my  work,  and  it  is  none 
of  yours.  I  positively  forbid  you  to  stir 
out  of  this  room.  I  shall  be  very  careful, 
and  you  need  have  no  concern  for  me.  I 
shall  go  down  the  backstairs  and  around 
by  the  porch,  and  peep  in  through  the  li 
brary  window  first.  The  moonlight  will 
be  sufficient  to  enable  me  to  see  all  that 
is  necessary." 

"Very  well,"  acquiesced  Bessie,  "only 
do  be  careful." 

Thaddeus  donned  his  long  bath-robe, 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  155 

put  on  his  slippers,  and  started  to  de 
scend.  The  stairs  were  so  dark  that  he 
could  with  difficulty  proceed  —  and  per 
haps  it  was  just  as  well  for  Thaddeus 
that  they  were.  If  there  had  been  light 
enough  for  him  to  see  two  great  glaring 
eyes  that  stared  at  him  through  that 
darkness  out  from  the  passageway  at  the 
foot  of  the  stairs,  upon  which  he  turned 
his  back  when  he  went  out  upon  the 
porch,  it  is  not  unlikely  that  a  very  se 
rious  climax  to  his  strange  experience 
would  have  been  reached  then  and  there. 
As  it  was,  he  saw  nothing,  but  kept 
straight  ahead,  stepped  noiselessly  out 
upon  the  piazza,  crept  stealthily  along 
in  the  soft  light  of  the  moon,  until  he 
reached  the  library  window.  There  he 
stopped  and  listened.  All  was  still  with 
in — so  still  that  the  beating  of  his  heart 
seemed  like  the  hammering  of  a  sledge 
upon  an  anvil  by  contrast.  Then,  rais 
ing  himself  cautiously  upon  his  toes,  he 
peered  through  the  window  into  the  room, 
the  greater  part  of  which  was  made  visi- 


156  PASTE    JEWELS 

ble  by  the  wealth  of  the  moon's  light 
streaming  into  it. 

" Humph!"  said  Thaddeus,  after  he 
had  directed  his  searching  gaze  into  ev 
ery  corner.  "  There  isn't  anybody  there 
at  all.  Most  incomprehensible  thing  I 
ever  heard  of." 

Kising,  he  walked  back  to  the  piazza 
door,  and  went  thence  boldly  into  the 
library  and  lit  the  gas.  His  piazza  obser 
vations  were  then  verified,  for  the  room 
was  devoid  of  life,  save  for  Thaddeus's 
own  presence;  but  upon  the  floor  before 
the  hearth  was  a  broom,  and  there  were 
evidences  also  that  the  sweeping  sounds 
he  had  heard  had  been  caused  by  no  less 
an  instrument  than  this,  for  in  the  corner 
of  the  fireplace  was  a  heap  of  dust,  cigar 
ashes,  and  scraps  of  paper,  which  Thad- 
deus  remembered  had  been  upon  the 
hearth  in  greater  or  less  quantity  when  he 
had  turned  out  the  gas  to  retire  a  few 
hours  before. 

"  This  is  a  serious  matter,"  he  said  to 
himself.  "Something  is  wrong,  and  I 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  157 

doubt  if  there  have  been  burglars  in  the 
house ;  but  I  can  ascertain  that  with 
out  trouble.  If  the  doors  and  windows 
are  all  secure  the  trouble  is  inter 
nal/' 

Every  accessible  door  and  window  on 
the  basement  and  first  floor  was  examined, 
and,  with  the  exception  of  the  piazza  door, 
which  Thaddeus  remembered  to  have  un 
locked  himself  a  few  minutes  before,  ev 
ery  lock  was  fastened.  The  disturbance 
had  come  from  within. 

"And  Bess  must  never  know  it,"  said 
he;  "it  would  worry  her  to  death."  And 
then  came  a  thought  to  Thaddeus's  mind 
that  almost  stopped  the  beating  of  his 
heart.  "Unless  she  has  discovered  it  in 
my  absence,"  he  gasped.  In  an  instant 
he  was  mounting  the  stairs  to  hasten 
to  Bessie's  side,  as  though  some  terrible 
thing  were  pursuing  him. 

"Well,  what  was  it,  Ted?"  she  asked, 
as  he  entered  tne  room. 

Perkins  gave  a  sigh  of  relief.  All  was 
safe  enough  above-stairs  at  least. 


158  PASTE    JEWELS 

"Nothing  much,"  said  Thaddeus,  in 
a  moment.  "There  is  no  one  below." 

"  But  what  could  it  have  been  ?" 

"  I  haven't  the  slightest  idea/'  said 
Thaddeus,  "unless  it  was  a  stray  cat  in 
the  house.  The  sweeping  sound  may 
have  been  caused  by  a  cat  scratching  its 
collar — or  purring — or  — or — something. 
At  any  rate,  things  appear  to  be  all  right, 
my  dear,  so  let's  go  to  sleep." 

Thaddeus's  assumed  confidence  in  the 
rightness  of  everything,  rather  than  his 
explanations,  was  convincing  to  Mrs. 
Perkins,  and  in  a  very  short  while  she 
was  sleeping  the  sleep  of  the  just  and  se 
rene  ;  but  to  Thaddeus'' s  eye  there  came 
no  more  sleep  that  night,  and  when 
morning  came  he  rose  unrefreshed.  There 
were  two  problems  confronting  him.  The 
first  was  to  solve  the  mystery  of  the  swept 
library  floor ;  the  second  was  to  do  this 
without  arousing  his  wife's  suspicions  that 
anything  was  wrong.  To  do  the  first  he 
deemed  it  necessary  to  remain  at  home 
that  day,  which  was  easy,  for  Thaddeus 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  159 

was  more  or  less  independent  of  office- 
work. 

"I'm  glad  you're  not  going  down/' 
said  Mrs.  Perkins,  when  he  announced 
his  intention  of  remaining  at  home. 
"You  will  be  able  to  make  up  for  your 
loss  of  sleep  last  night." 

"  Yes/'  said  Thaddeus.  "  It's  the  only 
thing  I  can  do,  I'm  so  played  out." 

Breakfast  passed  off  pleasantly  in  spite 
of  a  great  drawback  —  the  steak  was 
burned  almost  to  a  crisp,  and  the  fried 
potatoes  were  like  chips  of  wood. 

"  Margaret  seems  to  be  unfamiliar  with 
the  art  of  cooking  this  morning/'  said 
Thaddeus. 

"So  it  would  seem,"  said  Bessie. 
"  This  steak  is  horrible." 

"The  worst  part  of  it  is,"  said  Thadde 
us,  "she  has  erred  on  the  wrong  side.  If 
the  steak  were  underdone  it  wouldn't  be 
so  bad.  Isn't  it  a  pity  Edison  can't  in 
vent  a  machine  to  rarefy  an  overdone 
steak  ?" 

"That  would  be  a  fine  idea,"  smiled 


160  PASTE    JEWELS 

Bessie.  "And  to  take  a  Saratoga  chip  and 
make  it  less  like  a  chip  off  a  granite  block." 

"I  don't  mind  the  potatoes  so  much/'' 
said  Thaddeus.  "  I  can  break  them  up  in 
a  bowl  of  milk  and  secure  a  gastronomic 
novelty  that,  suitably  seasoned,  isn't  at  all 
bad,  but  the  steak  is  hopeless." 

"Maybe  she  heard  that  cat  last  night, 
and  thought  it  was  a  burglar,  just  as  we 
did/'  Bessie  suggested.  "  I  can't  account 
for  a  breakfast  like  this  in  any  other  way, 
can  you  ?" 

"  No,"  said  Thaddeus,  shortly,  and  then 
he  had  an  idea  ;  and  when  Thaddeus  had 
an  idea  he  was  apt  to  become  extremely 
reticent. 

"Poor  Thad  !"  thought  Bessie,  as  she 
noted  his  sudden  change  of  demeanor. 
"He  can't  stand  loss  of  sleep." 

The  morning  was  spent  by  Thaddeus  in 
the  "  noble  pastime  of  snooping,"  as  he 
called  it.  The  house  was  searched  by  him 
in  a  casual  sort  of  way  from  top  to  bottom 
for  a  clew  to  the  mystery,  but  without 
avail.  Several  times  he  went  below  to  the 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  161 

cellar,  ostensibly  to  inspect  his  coal  sup 
ply,  really  to  observe  the  demeanor  of 
Margaret,  the  cook.  Barring  an  unusu 
al  pallor  upon  her  cheek,  she  appeared  to 
be  as  she  always  had  been  ;  but  with  the 
waitress  it  was  different.  Mary  was  evi 
dently  excited  over  something,  but  over 
what  Thaddeus  could  not,  of  course,  de 
termine  at  that  time.  Later  in  the  day, 
however,  the  cause  of  her  perturbation 
came  out,  and  Thaddeus's  effort  to  keep 
Bessie  from  anxiety  over  the  occurrence 
of  the  night  before  was  rendered  unavail 
ing.  It  was  at  luncheon.  The  table  was 
set  in  a  most  peculiar  fashion.  The  only 
china  upon  it  was  from  an  old  set  which 
had  been  discarded  a  year  previous  to  the 
time  of  this  story,  and  Bessie  naturally 
wanted  to  know  why,  and  the  waitress 
broke  down. 

"It's  —  it's  all  we  have,  ma'am,"  said 
she,  her  eyes  filling  with  tears. 

"  All  we  have  ?"  echoed  Mrs.  Perkins  in 
surprise.  "  Why,  what  do  you  mean  ? 

Where  is  the  other  set  ?" 
11 


162  PASTE    JEWELS 

"  I  don't  know/'  protested  the  waitress. 

"You  don't  know?"  said  Thaddeus, 
taking  the  matter  in  hand.  "  AVhy  don't 
you  know  ?  Isn't  the  china  a  part  of  your 
care  ?" 

"Yes,  sir/'  replied  the  maid,  "but — 
it's  gone,  sir,  and  I  don't  know  where." 

"  When  did  you  miss  it  ?"  asked  Thad- 
deus. 

"  Not  until  I  came  to  set  the  table  for 
lunch." 

"  Was  it  in  its  proper  place  at  break 
fast-time  ?" 

"I  didn't  notice,  sir.  The  breakfast 
dishes  were  all  there,  but  I  don't  remem 
ber  seeing  the  other  plates.  I  didn't 
think  to  look." 

"Then  it  wasn't  a  cat,"  said  Bessie, 
sinking  back  into  her  chair ;  "we  have 
been  robbed." 

"Well,  it's  the  first  time  on  record,  I 
guess,  that  thieves  have  ever  robbed  a 
man  of  his  china,"  said  Thaddeus,  calm 
ly.  "Have  you  looked  for  the  plates?" 
he  added,  addressing  the  waitress. 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  163 

"No,  sir,"  she  replied,  simply.  "Where 
could  I  look  ?" 

"That's  so  —  where?"  said  Bessie. 
"  There  isn't  much  use  looking  for 
dishes  when  they  disappear  like  that. 
They  aren't  like  whisk-brooms  or  button 
hooks  to  be  mislaid  easily.  "We  have  been 
robbed  ;  that's  all  there  is  about  that." 

"Oh,  well/'  said  Thaddeus,  "let's  eat 
lunch,  and  see  about  it  afterwards." 

This  was  quite  easy  to  say,  but  to  eat 
under  the  circumstances  was  too  much  for 
either  of  the  young  householders.  The 
luncheon  left  the  table  practically  un 
touched  ;  and  when  it  was  over  Thad 
deus  called  his  man  into  the  house,  wrote 
a  note  to  the  police-station,  asking  for  an 
officer  in  citizen's  clothes  at  once,  and 
despatched  it  by  him,  with  the  injunc 
tion  to  let  very  little  grass  grow  under  his 
feet  on  the  way  down  to  headquarters. 
He  then  summoned  the  waitress  into  the 
library. 

"  Have  you  said  anything  to  Margaret 
about  the  china  ?"  he  asked. 


164  PASTE    JEWELS 

"Yes,  sir,"  she  replied. 

"What  did  you  say?" 

"I  told  her  as  how  wasn't  it  funny  the 
way  it  had  went,  sir." 

"And  what  did  she  say  ?" 

"Nothing,  sir.  Only  she  seemed  to 
think  it  was  funny,  because  she  laughed." 

"And  what  did  you  say  then  ?" 

"  Nothing,  Mr.  Perkins.  Margaret  and 
me  have  very  little  conversation,  because 
she  don't  fancy  me,  and  prefers  talkin'  to 
herself  like." 

"  H'm  !"  said  Thaddeus.  "  Talks  to 
herself,  does  she  ?" 

"All  the  time,  sir,"  returned  the  wait 
ress,  "and  she  seems  very  fond  of  it,  sir. 
She  laughs,  and  says  things,  and  then 
laughs  again.  She  does  it  by  the  hour." 

"  How  long  has  this  been  going  on  ?" 

"About  a  week,  sir.  I  noticed  it  first 
last  time  I  had  my  day  out.  I  didn't  get 
in  until  nearly  eleven  o'clock,  and  I  found 
her  sitting  at  the  table  havin'  supper  and 
talkin'  and  laughin'  like  as  though  there 
was  folks  around." 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  105 

"  She  was  entirely  alone,  was  she  ?" 
asked  Thaddens. 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  What  did  yon  do  when  yon  came 
in  ?" 

"  I  said  '  Hello '  to  her  and  sat  down  op 
posite  to  her  at  the  table,  where  there  was 
a  place  set,  and  I  told  her  I  was  glad  she 
had  something  to  eat  and  a  place  set  for 
me,  because  I  hadn't  had  any  supper  and 
I  was  hungry,  sir." 

"  Did  she  make  any  reply  ?" 

"  No,  sir.  She  looked  at  me  kind  of 
indignant,  and  turned  out  the  gas  and 
went  up  to  bed,  leavin'  me  in  the  dark." 

Thaddeus's  brow  grew  thoughtful  again. 
It  wrinkled  into  a  half-dozen  lines  as  he 
asked  : 

"  Why  didn't  you  speak  of  this  before  ?" 

"  It  ain't  for  me  to  be  telling  tales,  Mr. 
Perkins,"  she  said.  "All  cooks  as  I've  lived 
with  is  queer  like,  and  I  didn't  think  any 
more  about  it." 

"All  right," said  Thaddeus.  "You  may 
go.  Only,  Mary,  don't  speak  of  the  plates 


166  PASTE    JEWELS 

again  to  Margaret.  Say  as  little  to  her 
as  you  can,  in  fact,  about  anything.  If 
you  notice  anything  queer,  report  to  me 
at  once." 

The  waitress  left  the  room,  and  Thad- 
deus  turned  to  his  desk.  It  was  plain 
from  his  appearance  that  light  was  begin 
ning  to  be  let  in  on  places  that  up  to  this 
point  had  been  more  or  less  dark  to  him, 
although,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  he  could 
not  in  any  way  account  for  the  mystery 
of  the  vanished  plates  any  more  than  he 
could  for  the  sweeping  of  the  library  in 
the  still  hours  of  the  night.  He  had  an 
idea  as  to  who  the  culprit  was,  and  what 
that  idea  was  is  plain  enough  to  us,  but 
the  question  of  motive  was  the  great 
puzzle  to  him  now. 

"  If  she  did  take  them,  why  should 
she  ?"  was  the  problem  he  was  trying  to 
solve ;  and  then,  as  if  his  trials  were  not 
already  great  enough  for  one  day,  Bessie 
broke  excitedly  into  the  room. 

" Thaddeus  !"  she  cried,  "there's  some 
thing  wrong  in  this  house  ;  my  best  table- 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  167 

cloth  is  missing,  our  dessert-spoons  are 
gone,  and  what  do  you  suppose  has  hap 
pened  ?" 

' '  I  don't  know — a  volcano  has  devel 
oped  in  the  cellar,  I  suppose,"  said  Thad- 
deus. 

"No,"  said  Bessie,  "it  isn't  as  bad  as 
that ;  but  the  ice  -  cream  man  has  tele 
phoned  up  to  know  whether  we  want  the 
cream  for  dinner  or  for  eleven  o'clock, 
according  to  the  order  as  he  understands 
it." 

"Well,"  said  Thaddeus,  "I  don't  see 
anything  very  unusual  in  an  ice  -  cream 
man's  needing  to  be  told  three  or  four 
times  what  is  expected  of  him." 

"But  I  never  ordered  any  cream  at 
all,"  said  Bessie. 

"Ah,"  said  Thaddeus,  "  that's  different. 
Did  you  tell  Partinelli  so  ?" 

"I  did,  and  he  said  he  was  sure  he 
wasn't  mistaken,  because  he  had  taken 
the  order  himself." 

"  From  you  ?" 

"No,  from  Margaret." 


168  PASTE    JEWELS 

"Then  it's  all  right/'  said  Thaddens  ; 
"it's  a  clew  that  fits  very  nicely  into  my 
theory  of  our  recent  household  disturb 
ances.  If  you  will  wait,  I  think  things 
will  begin  to  develop  very  shortly,  and 
then  we  shall  be  able  to  dismiss  this  in 
dictment  against  the  cat  we  thought  we 
heard  last  night." 

"  Do  you  think  Margaret  is  dishonest  ?" 
"I  don't  know,"  said  Thaddeus.     "I 
shouldn't  be  surprised  if  she  had  friends 
with  taking   ways ;    in   other  words,  my 
dear,  I  suspect  that  Margaret  is  in  league 
with   people  outside   of   this   house  who 
profit  by  her  mistaken  notions  as  to  how 
to  be  generous  ;  but  I  can't  prove  it  yet." 
"  But  what  are  you  going  to  do  ?" 
"Set  a  watch.     I  have  sent  for  a  de 
tective,"  said  Thaddeus. 

This  was  too  much  for  Bessie.  She  was 
simply  overcome,  and  she  sat  squarely 
down  upon  the  arm-chair,  which  fortu 
nately  was  immediately  behind  her.  I 
think  that  if  it  had  not  been,  she  would 
have  plumped  down  upon  the  floor. 


A     STRANGE    BANQUET  1G9 

"Detective  !"  she  gasped. 

"Exactly,"  said  Thacldeus,  "and  here 
he  comes/'  he  added,  as  a  carriage  was 
driven  up  to  the  door  and  one  of  the  cit 
izen  police  descended  therefrom. 

"  You  would  better  leave  us  to  talk 
over  this  matter  together/'  said  Thad- 
deus,  as  he  hastened  to  the  door.  "We 
shall  be  able  to  manage  it  entirely,  and 
the  details  might  make  you  nervous." 

"  I  couldn't  be  more  nervous  than  I 
am/'  said  Bessie ;  "  but  I'll  leave  you 
just  the  same." 

Whereupon  she  went  to  her  room,  and 
Thaddeus,  for  an  hour,  was  closeted  Avith 
the  detective,  to  whom  he  detailed  the 
whole  story. 

"It's  one  of  the  two,"  said  the  latter, 
when  Thaddeus  had  finished,  "and  I 
agree  with  you  it  is  more  likely  to  be  the 
cook  than  the  waitress.  If  it  was  the 
waitress,  she  couldn't  have  stood  your 
examination  as  well  as  you  say  she  did. 
Perhaps  I'd  better  see  her,  though,  and 
talk  to  her  myself." 


170  PASTE    JEWELS 

"No,  I  shouldn't/'  said  Thaddeus ; 
"  we'll  pass  you  off  as  a  business  ac 
quaintance  of  mine  up  from  town,  and 
you  can  stay  all  night  and  watch  devel 
opments." 

80  it  was  arranged.  The  detective  was 
introduced  into  the  family  as  a  correspon 
dent  of  Thaddeus's  firm,,  and  he  settled 
down  to  watch  the  household.  Afternoon 
and  evening  went  by  without  develop 
ments,  and  at  about  eleven  o'clock  every 
light  in  the  house  was  extinguished,  and 
the  whole  family,  from  the  head  of  the 
house  to  the  cook,  had  apparently  retired. 

At  half -past  eleven,  however,  there  were 
decided  signs  of  life  within  the  walls  of 
Thaddeus's  home.  The  clew  was  working 
satisfactorily,  and  the  complete  revelation 
of  the  mystery  was  close  at  hand. 

The  remainder  of  the  narrative  can  best 
be  told  in  the  words  of  the  detective  : 

"When  Mr.  Perkins  sent  for  me,"  he 
said,  "and  told  me  all  that  had  happened, 
I  made  up  my  mind  that  he  had  a  servant 
in  his  house  for  whom  the  police  had  been 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  171 

on  the  lookout  for  some  time.  I  thought 
she  was  a  certain  Ellen  Malony,  alias 
Bridget  O'Shaughnessy,  alias  many  other 
names,  who  was  nothing  more  nor  less 
than  the  agent  of  a  clever  band  of  thieves 
who  had  lifted  thousands  of  dollars  of 
swag  in  the  line  of  household  silver,  valu 
able  books,  diamonds,  and  other  things 
from  private  houses,  where  she  had  been 
employed  in  various  capacities.  I  could 
not  understand  why  she  should  have  made 
'way  with  the  dishes  and  Mrs.  Perkins's 
table-cloth,  but  there's  no  accounting  for 
tastes  of  people  in  that  line  of  business, 
so  I  didn't  bother  much  trying  to  reason 
that  matter  out. 

"After  we'd  had  dinner  and  spent  the 
evening  in  Mr.  Perkins's  library,  the  fam 
ily  went  to  bed,  and  I  pretended  to  do  the 
same.  Instead  of  really  going  to  bed,  I 
waited  my  chance  and  slipped  down  the 
stairs  into  the  dining-room,  and  got  under 
the  table.  At  eleven  o'clock  the  maid 
servants  went  up  to  their  rooms,  and  at 
quarter-past  there  wasn't  a  light  burning 


172  PASTE    JEWELS 

in  the  house.  I  sat  there  in  the  dining- 
room  waiting,  and  just  as  the  clock  struck 
half -past  eleven  I  heard  a  noise  out  on 
the  stairs,  and  in  less  than  half  a  min 
ute  a  sulphur  match  was  struck  almost 
over  my  head  under  the  table,  and  there 
stood  the  cook,  her  face  livid  as  that  of 
a  dead  person,  and  in  her  hand  she  held 
a  candle,  which  she  lit  with  the  match. 
From  where  I  was  I  could  see  everything 
she  did,  which  was  not  much.  She  sim 
ply  gathered  up  all  the  table  fixings  she 
could,  and  started  down -stairs  into  the 
kitchen  with  'em.  Then  I  went  up  to 
Mr.  Perkins's  room  and  called  him.  lie 
put  on  his  clothes  and  got  out  his  revolver, 
when  we  stole  down-stairs  together,  leav 
ing  Mrs.  Perkins  up-stairs,  with  her  boy's 
nurse  a-nd  the  waitress  to  keep  her  com 
pany. 

"In  a  second  we  were  in  the  laundry, 
which  was  as  dark  as  the  ace  of  spades, 
except  where  the  light  from  four  gas-jets 
in  the  kitchen  streamed  in  through  the 
half -open  door.  Mr.  Perkins  was  for 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  173 

pouncing  in  on  the  cook  at  once,  but  I 
was  after  the  rest  of  the  gang  as  much  as 
I  was  for  the  cook,  and  I  persuaded  him 
to  wait ;  and,  by  thunder,  we  were  paid 
for  waiting.  It  was  the  queerest  case  I 
ever  had. 

•''That  woman — looking  for  all  the  world 
like  a  creature  from  some  other  part  of  the 
universe  than  this  earth,  her  eyes  burn 
ing  like  two  huge  coals,  her  cheeks  as 
yellow  and  clear  as  so  much  wax,  and  her 
lips  blue-white,  with  a  great  flaming  red 
tongue  sort  of  laid  between  them — worked 
liku  a  slave  cleaning  the  floor,  polishing 
the  range,  and  scrubbing  the  table.  Then 
she  dusted  all  tho  chairs,  and,  produc 
ing  the  missing  table-cloth,  she  laid  it 
snow-white  upon  the  table.  In  two  min 
utes  more  the  lost  china  was  brought  to 
light  out  of  the  flour-barrel,  polished  off, 
and  set  upon  the  table — enough  for  twenty 
people.  The  dining-room  things  I  had 
seen  her  take  she  arranged  as  tastefully  as 
any  one  could  want,  and  then  the  finest 
lay-out  in  the  way  of  salads,  cakes,  fruits, 


174  PASTE    JEWELS 

and  other  good  things  I  ever  saw  was 
brought  in  from  the  cellar.  To  do  all  this 
took  a  marvellously  short  time.  ,  It  was 
five  minutes  of  midnight  when  she  got 
through,  and  then  she  devoted  three 
minutes  to  looking  after  herself.  She 
whisked  out  a  small  hand  -  glass  and 
touched  up  her  hair  a  bit.  Then  she 
washed  her  hands  and  pinned  some  roses 
on  her  dress,  smiled  a  smile  I  can  never 
forget  in  my  life,  and  opened  the  kitchen 
door  and  went  out. 

"  '  She's  going  to  give  a  supper  !'  whis 
pered  Mr.  Perkins. 

"'It  looks  like  it/  said  I.  '-And  a 
mighty  fine  one  at  that/ 

"In  a  minute  she  came  back  with  a 
pail,  in  which  were  four  bottles  of  cham 
pagne,  in  her  hand.  This  she  took  into 
the  cellar,  returning  to  the  kitchen  as  the 
clock  struck  twelve. 

"Then  the  queerest  part  began,"  said 
the  detective.  "  For  ten  minutes  by  the 
clock  people  were  apparently  arriving, 
though,  as  far  as  Mr.  Perkins  or  I  could 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  175 

see,  there  wasn't  a  soul  in  the  kitchen  be 
sides  Margaret.  She  was  talking  away 
like  one  possessed.  Every  once  in  a 
while  she'd  stop  in  the  middle  of  a  sen 
tence  and  rush  to  the  door  and  shake 
hands  with  some,  to  us  invisible,  arrival. 
Then  she'd  walk  in  with  them,  chatting 
and  laughing.  Several  times  she  went 
through  the  motion  of  taking  people's 
hats,  and  finally,  if  we  could  judge  from 
her  actions,  she  had  'em  all  seated  at  the 
table.  She  passed  salads  all  around,  help 
ing  each  guest  herself.  She  sent  them 
fruit  and  cakes,  and  then  she  brought  out 
the  wine,  which  she  distributed  in  the 
same  fashion.  She  also  apologized  be 
cause  some  ice  -  cream  she  had  ordered 
hadn't  come. 

"  When  the  invisible  guests  appeared 
to  have  had  all  they  could  eat,  she  began 
the  chatty  part  again,  and  never  seemed 
to  be  disturbed  but  once,  when  she  re 
quested  some  one  not  to  sing  so  loud  for 
fear  of  disturbing  the  family. 

"Altogether  it  was   the  weirdest  and 


176  PASTE    JEWELS 

rummest  thing  Fd  ever  seen  in  my  life. 
We  watched  it  for  one  full  hour,  and  then 
we  quit  because  she  did.  At  one  o'clock 
she  apparently  bade  her  guests  good 
night,  after  which  she  gathered  up  and 
put  away  all  the  eatables  there  were  left 
— and,  of  course,  everything  but  what  she 
had  eaten  herself  still  remained — cleaned 
all  the  dishes,  restored  them  to  their 
proper  places  in  the  dining-room  pantry, 
and  went  back  up-stairs  to  her  room. 

"Mr.  Perkins  and  I  didn't  know  what 
to  make  of  it.  There  wasn't  a  thing 
stolen,  and  it  was  clear  to  my  mind  that 
Fd  done  the  woman  an  injustice  in  con 
necting  her  with  thieves.  She  was  hon 
est,  except  in  so  far  as  she  had  ordered 
all  those  salads  and  creams  and  things 
from  time  to  time  on  Mr.  Perkins's  ac 
count,  which  was  easy  enough  for  her  to 
do,  since  Mrs.  Perkins  let  her  do  the 
ordering.  There  wras  only  one  explana 
tion  of  the  matter.  She  was  crazy,  and  I 
said  so. 

"  'I  fancy  you  are  right/  said  Mr.  Per- 


A    STRANGE    BANQUET  177 

kins.  '  We'll  have  to  send  her  to  an  asy 
lum  !' 

"  '  That's  the  thing,'  said  I,  '  and  we'd 
better  do  it  the  first  thing  in  the  morn 
ing.  I  wouldn't  tackle  her  to-night,  be 
cause  she's  probably  excited,  and  like  as 
not  would  make  a  great  deal  of  trouble.' 

"And  that,"  said  the  detective,  "was 
where  Mr.  Perkins  and  I  made  our  mis 
take.  Next  morning  she  wasn't  to  be 
found,  and  to  this  day  I  haven't  heard  a 
word  of  her.  She  disappeared  just  like 
that,"  he  said,  snapping  his  fingers.  "  Of 
course,  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  anything 
supernatural  occurred.  She  simply  must 
have  slipped  down  and  out  while  we  were 
asleep.  The  front  door  was  wide  open 
in  the  morning,  and  a  woman  answering 
to  her  description  was  seen  to  leave  the 
Park  station,  five  miles  from  the  Perkins 
house,  on  the  six-thirty  train  that  morn- 
ing." 

"And  you  have  no  idea  where  she  is 
now  ?"  I  asked  of  the  detective,  when  he 
had  finished. 


178  PASTE    JEWELS 

"No," he  answered,  "not  the  slightest. 
For  all  I  know  she  may  be  cooking  for 
you  at  this  very  minute." 

With  which  comforting  remark  he  left 
me. 

For  my  part,  I  hope  the  detective  was 
wrong.  If  I  thought  there  was  a  possi 
bility  of  Margaret's  ever  being  queen  of 
my  culinary  department,  I  should  either 
give  up  house-keeping  at  once  and  join 
some  simple  community  where  every  man 
is  his  own  chef,  or  dine  forevermore  on 
canned  goods. 


JANE 


JANE 

SHE  was  quite  the  reverse  of  beautiful 
—to  some  she  was  positively  unpleasant 
to  look  upon ;  but  that  made  no  differ 
ence  to  Mrs.  Thaddeus  Perkins,  who,  af 
ter  long  experience  with  domestics.,  had 
come  to  judge  of  the  value  of  a  servant 
by  her  performance  rather  than  by  her 
appearance.  The  girl — if  girl  she  were, 
for  she  might  have  been  thirty  or  sixty, 
so  far  as  any  one  could  judge  from  a 
merely  superficial  glance  at  her  face  and 
figure — was  neat  of  aspect,  and,  what  was 
more,  she  had  come  well  recommended. 
She  bore  upon  her  face  every  evidence 
of  respectability  and  character,  as  well  as 
one  or  two  lines  which  might  have  indi 
cated  years  or  toothache — it  was  difficult 
to  decide  which.  On  certain  davs,  when 


182  PASTE    JEWELS 

the  weather  was  very  warm  and  she  had 
much  to  do,  the  impression  was  that  the 
lines  meant  years,  and  many  of  them, 
accentuated  as  they  were  by  her  pallor, 
the  whiteness  of  her  face  making  the 
lines  seem  almost  black  in  their  intensi 
ty.  When  she  smiled,  however,  which 
she  rarely  did  —  she  was  solemn  enough 
to  have  been  a  butler — one  was  impressed 
with  the  idea  of  hours  of  pain  from  a 
wicked  tooth.  At  any  rate,  she  was  en 
gaged  as  waitress,  and  put  in  charge  of 
the  first  floor  of  the  Perkins  household. 

"  I  fancy  we've  at  last  got  a  real  treas 
ure,"  said  Mrs. .  Perkins.  "There's  no 
nonsense  about  Jane — I  think."  The  last 
two  words  were  added  apologetically. 

"  Where  did  you  get  her?"  asked  Thad- 
deus.  "  At  an  Imbecility  Office  ?" 

"  I  don't  quite  know  what  you  mean — 
an  Imbecility  Office  ?" 

"  Only  my  pet,  private,  and  particular 
name  for  it,  my  dear.  You  would  speak 
of  it  as  an  Intelligence  Office,  no  doubt," 
was  the  reply.  "  My  observation  of  the 


JANE  183 

fruit  of  Intelligence  Offices  has  convinced 
me  that  they  deal  in  Imbecility." 

"  Not  quite/'  laughed  Mrs.  Perkins. 
'•'They  look  after  Domestic  Vacancies." 

'"'Well,  they  do  it  with  a  vengeance/' 
said  Perkins.  "  We've  had  more  vacan 
cies  in  this  house  to  do  our  cooking  and 
our  laundering  and  our  house-work  gen 
erally  than  two  able-bodied  men  could 
shake  sticks  at.  It  seems  to  me  that  the 
domestic  servant  of  to-day  is  fonder  of 
preoccupation  than  of  occupation." 

"Jane,  I  think,  is  different  from  the 
general  run/'  said  Mrs.  Perkins.  "As  I 
said,  she  has  no  nonsense  about  her." 

"Is  she  —  ah  —  an  ornament  to  the 
scene — pretty,  and  all  that  ?"  asked  Per 
kins. 

"Quite  the  reverse,"  replied  the  little 
house-keeper.  "  She  is  as  plain  as  a — as 
a-" 

"Say  hedge -fence  and  be  done  with 
it,"  said  Perkins.  "I'm  glad  of  it.  What's 
the  use  of  providing  a  good  dinner  for 
your  friends  if  they  are  going  to  spend 


184  PASTE    JEWELS 

all  their  time  looking  at  the  waitress  ? 
When  I  give  a  dinner  it  makes  me  tired 
to  have  the  men  afterwards  speak  of  the 
waitress  rather  than  of  the  puree  or  the 
birds.  If  any  domestic  is  to  dominate 
the  repast  at  all  it  should  be  the  cook." 

"  Service  counts  for  a  great  deal,  though, 
Ted/'  suggested  Mrs.  Perkins. 

"True/'  replied  Thaddeus ;  "but  on 
the  whole,  when  I  am  starving,  give  me  a 
filet  bearnaise  served  by  a  sailor,  rather 
than  an  empty  plate  brought  in  in  style 
by  a  butler  of  illustrious  lineage  and  im 
pressive  manner."  Then  he  added  :  "  I 
hope  she  isn't  too  homely.,  Bess — not  a 
'  clock  -stopper/  as  the  saying  is.  You 
don't  want  people's  appetites  taken  away 
when  you've  worked  for  hours  on  a  menu 
calculated  to  tickle  the  palates  of  your 
guests.  'Would  her  homeliness — ah — ef 
face  itself,  for  instance.,  in  the  presence 
of  a  culinary  creation,  or  is  it  likely  to 
overshadow  everything  with  its  inefface 
able  completeness  ?" 

"I  think  she'll  do/' returned  Mrs.  Per- 


JANE  185 

kins  ;  "  especially  with  your  friends,  who, 
it  seems  to  me,  would  one  and  all  insist 
upon  finishing  a  'creation/  as  you  call 
it,  even  if  lightning  should  strike  the 
house." 

"  From  that  point  of  view,"  said  he, 
"  I'm  confident  that  Jane  will  do." 

So  Jane  came,  and  for  a  year,  strange 
to  relate,  was  all  that  her  references 
claimed  for  her.  She  was  neat,  clean, 
and  capable.  She  was  sober  and  indus 
trious.  The  wine  had  never  been  better 
served;  the  dinner  had  rarely  come  to  the 
table  so  hot.  Had  she  been  a  butler  of 
the  first  magnitude  she  could  not  so  have 
discouraged  the  idea  of  acquaintance  ; 
her  attraction,  if  anything,  was  a  combi 
nation  of  her  self-effacement  and  her  ug 
liness.  The  latter  might  have  been  no 
ticed  as  she  entered  the  dining-room  ;  it 
was  soon  forgotten  in  the  unconsciously 
observed  ease  with  which  she  went  through 
her  work. 

"  She's  fine,"  said  Perkins,  after  a  din 
ner  of  twelve  covers  served  by  Jane  with 


186  PASTE    JEWELS 

a  pantry  assistant.  "I've  always  had  a 
sneaking  notion  that  nothing  short  of  a 
butler  could  satisfy  me,  but  now  I  think 
otherwise.  Jane  is  perfection,  and  there 
is  nothing  paralyzing  about  her,  as  there 
is  about  most  of  those  reduced  swells  who 
wait  on  tables  nowadays." 

In  August  the  family  departed  for  the 
mountains,  and  the  house  was  left  in 
charge  of  Jane  and  the  cook,  and  right 
faithfully  did  they  fulfil  the  requirements 
of  their  stewardship.  The  return  in  Sep.- 
tember  found  the  house  cleaned  from  top 
to  bottom.  The  hardwood  floors  and  stairs 
shone  as  they  had  rarely  shone  before,  and 
as  only  an  unlimited  application  of  what 
is  vulgarly  termed  "elbow-grease"  could 
make  them  shine.  The  linen  was  immac 
ulate.  Ireland  is  not  freer  from  snakes 
than  was  the  house  of  Perkins  from  cob 
webs,  and  no  speck  of  dust  except  those 
on  the  travellers  was  visible.  It  was  evi 
dent  that  even  in  the  absence  of  the  fam 
ily  Jane  was  true  to  her  ideals,  and  the 
heart  of  Mrs.  Perkins  was  glad.  Further- 


JANE  187 

more,  Jane  had  acquired  a  full  third  set 
of  teeth,  which  seemed  to  take  some  of 
the  lines  from  her  face,  and,  as  Perkins 
observed,  added  materially  to  the  general 
effect  of  the  surroundings,  although  they 
were  distressingly  new.  But,  alas  !  they 
marked  the  beginning  of  the  end.  Jane 
ceased  to  wait  upon  the  table  with  that 
solemnity  which  is  essential  to  the  man 
ner  of  a  "treasure";  she  smiled  occasion 
ally,  and  where  hitherto  she  had  treated 
the  conversation  at  the  table  with  stolid 
indifference,  a  witticism  would  invariably 
now  bring  the  new  teeth  into  view. 

"Alas  !"  cried  Thaddeus,  "  our butleress 
has  evoluted  backwards.  She  grins  like 
an  ordinary  waitress/' 

It  was  too  true.  The  possession  of  brill 
iantly  white  teeth  seemed  to  have  brought 
with  it  a  desire  to  show  them,  which  was 
destructive  of  that  dignity  with  which 
Jane  had  previously  been  hedged  about, 
and  substituted  for  it  a  less  desirable  at 
mosphere  of  possible  familiarity,  which 
might  grow  upon  very  slight  provocation 


188  PASTE    JEWELS 

into  intimacy,  not  to  mention  a  nearer 
approach  to  social  equality. 

"I  don't  suppose  we  can  blame  her  ex 
actly/'  said  Perkins,  when  discussing  one 
or  two  of  Jane's  lapses  from  her  old-time 
standard.  "  I  haven't  a  doubt  that  if  I'd 
gone  for  years  without  teeth,  I'd  become 
a  regular  Cheshire  cat,  with  a  new,  com 
plete  edition  de  luxe  of  celluloid  molars. 
Still,  I  wish  she'd  paid  more  attention  to 
the  dinner  and  less  to  Mr.  Barlow's  con 
versation  last  night.  She  stood  a  whole 
minute,  with  the  salad-bowl  in  her  hand, 
waiting  for  him  to  reach  the  point  of  his 
story  about  the  plumber  who  put  a  gas- 
pipe  through  Shakespeare's  tenor  in  West 
minster  Abbey,  and  when  he  finished,  and 
she  smiled,  you'd  have  thought  a  dozen 
gravestones  to  the  deceased's  memory  had 
been  conjured  up  before  us." 

"  It's  a  small  fault,  Thaddeus,"  returned 
Mrs.  Perkins,  "  but  I'll  speak  to  her  about 
it." 

"Oh,  I  wouldn't,"  said  Perkins;  "let 
it  go ;  she  means  well,  and  when  we  got 


JANE  189 

her  we  didn't  suspect  she'd  turn  out  such 
a  jewel.  She's  merely  approaching  her 
norm,  that  is  all.  We  ought  to  be  thank 
ful  to  have  had  such  perfection  for  one 
year.  It's  too  bad  it  couldn't  continue  ; 
but  what  perfection  does  ?" 

Nothing,  therefore,  was  said,  and  Jane 
smiled  on,  yet  waited  most  acceptably  and 
kept  all  things  decently  and  in  order — for 
a  little  while.  Along  about  Christmas 
time  a  further  decadence  and  additional 
flaw  in  the  jewel  was  discovered,  and  it 
was  Perkins  himself  who  discovered  it. 
It  happened  one  day  while  he  was  at  work 
alone  in  the  house,  Mrs.  Perkins  having 
gone  out  shopping.  A  friend  from  Boston 
appeared — a  friend  interested  in  bric-a- 
brac  and  china  generally.  Thaddeus,  to 
whom  a  luncheon  in  solitary  grandeur 
was  little  short  of  abomination,  invited 
his  Boston  friend  to  stay  and  share  pot- 
luck  with  him,  knowing,  hypocrite  that 
he  was,  that  pot-luck  did  not  mean  pot- 
luck  at  all,  but  a  course  luncheon  which 
many  men  would  have  found  all-sufficient 


190  PASTE    JEWELS 

at  dinner.  The  Boston  friend  accepted, 
and  the  luncheon  was  served  by  Jane.  In 
the  course  of  the  repast  the  visitor  ob 
served  : 

"  Pretty  good  china  you  have,  Perkins." 

"Yes,"  returned  Thaddeus,  "pretty 
good.  Fve  always  had  a  penchant  for 
china.  My  mother-in-law  thinks  Fm  ex 
travagant,  and  sometimes  I  think  she  is 
right.  You  never  saw  my  Capodimonte 
coffees,  did  you  ?" 

"No,"  replied  the  Bostonian,  "I  never 
did.  Where'd  you  get  'em  ?" 

"  London,"  replied  Perkins,  "  last  time 
I  was  over.  You  must  see  them,  by  all 
means.  Ah,  Jane,  hand  Mr.  Bunkerrill 
one  of  the  Capodimonte  coffees." 

"Wan  o'  the  what,  sorr  ?"  asked  the 
treasure. 

Thaddeus  blushed.  To  have  his  jewel 
go  back  on  him  at  such  a  crisis  was  ex 
cessively  annoying.  "  One  of  those  gold 
after-dinner  coffee-cups — one  of  the  little 
ones,  with  the  flowery  raised  figures/'  he 
said,  sharply. 


JANE  191 

"  Oh  !"  said  Jane,  "  wan  o'  thim  with 
somebody  else's  initial  on  the  bottom  ?" 

"Yes,"  said  Thaddeus,  fuming  in 
wardly. 

"Quite  a  connoisseur,  that  woman," 
laughed  the  visitor,  as  Jane  went  after  the 
dinner-cup.  "She's  observed  the  china 
mark.  She  know's  N  doesn't  stand  for 
Perkins." 

Thaddeus  laughed  weakly.  "  She  prob 
ably  thinks  we  got  them  second-hand," 
he  said. 

"Very  likely  you  did,"  retorted  the 
Bostonian,  and  Jane  returned  with  the 
desired  cup.  "An  admirable  specimen," 
continued  the  connoisseur;  and  then,  turn 
ing  the  cup  bottom  upwards  in  search  of 
the  mark,  he  disclosed  to  his  own  and 
Thaddeus's  astonished  gaze  no  less  an 
object  than  the  remains  of  a  mashed  green 
pea,  a  reminiscence  of  the  last  Perkins 
dinner,  and  conclusive  evidence  that  at 
times  Jane  was  not  as  careful  in  the  wash 
ing  of  her  china  as  she  might  have  been. 

It  would  be  futile  and  useless  for  me  to 


1-92  PASTE    JEWELS 

attempt  to  describe  the  emotions  of  Thad- 
deus.  I  fancy  a  large  enough  number  of 
us  have  been  through  similar  experiences 
to  comprehend  the  man's  mortification 
and  his  inward  wrath.  It  was  too  great 
to  find  suitable  expression  at  the  moment. 
Nothing  short  of  the  absolute  destruction 
of  the  cup  and  the  annihilation  of  Jane 
could  have  adequately  expressed  Perkins's 
true  feelings.  He  was  not  by  nature,  how 
ever,  a  scene-maker — it  would  have  been 
better  if  he  had  been — so  he  said  noth 
ing,  abiding  by  his  rule,  which  seemed  to 
be  that  the  man  of  the  house  would  do 
better  to  reprehend  the  shortcomings  of 
a  delinquent  servant  by  blowing  up  his 
wife  rather  than  by  going  direct  to  the 
core  of  the  trouble  and  reading  the  maid 
a  lecture.  A  great  many  men  adopt  this 
same  method.  I  do.  It  is  the  easiest, 
though  it  is  possibly  prompted  by  that 
cowardice  which  is  latent  within  us  all. 
I  never  in  my  life  have  discharged  more 
than  one  servant,  and  I  not  only  did  not 
do  it  gracefully,  but  discharged  the  wrong 


JANE  193 

one  ;  since  which  time  I  have  left  all  that 
sort  of  work  to  others  more  competent 
than  I.  Perkins's  method  was  precisely 
this. 

"  I'm  not  going  to  interfere,"  was  his 
invariable  remark  in  cases  of  the  kind 
under  discussion  ;  which  was  unwise,  for 
if  he  had  ever  scolded  a  servant  as  he  did 
his  wife  for  the  servant's  fault  he  might 
have  secured  better  service  sooner  or  later. 

Unfortunately, when  Mrs.  Perkins  reach 
ed  home  that  night  she  was  so  very  tired 
with  her  exertions  in  the  shops  that 
Thaddeus  hadn't  the  heart  to  tell  her 
what  had  happened,  and  when  morning 
came  the  episode  was  forgotten.  When 
it  did  recur  to  his  mind  it  so  happened 
that  Mrs.  Perkins  was  out  of  reach.  The 
result  was  that  a  month  had  passed  before 
Mrs.  Perkins  came  into  possession  of  the 
facts,  and  it  was  then,  of  course,  too  late 
to  mention  it  to  Jane. 

"You  should  have  given  her  a  good 
talking  to  at  the  time/'  said  Mrs.  Perkins. 
"It's  awful  !  I  don't  know  what  has  got 

13 


194  PASTE    JEWELS 

into  Jane.  My  best  table-cloth  has  got 
a  great  hole  in  it,  and  she  is  very  care 
less  with  the  silver.  My  fruit-knife  last 
night  was  not  clean/' 

"  I  suppose  you  spoke  to  her  about 
that  ?"  said  Perkins,  smiling. 

"  Not  exactly  ;  I  sent  for  another,  and 
handed  her  the  dirty  one,"  returned  Mrs. 
Perkins.  "I  guess  she  felt  all  that  I 
could  have  said." 

And  time  went  on,  and  Jane  continued 
to  decay.  She  pulled  corks  from  olive- 
bottles  with  the  carving-fork  prongs  and 
bent  them  backwards.  She  developed  a 
habit  of  going  out  and  leaving  her  work 
undone.  The  powdered  sugar  was  al 
lowed  to  resolve  itself  into  small,  hard, 
pill-shaped  lumps  of  various  sizes.  Break 
fast  had  a  way  of  being  served  cold.  The 
coffee  was  at  times  merely  tepid  ;  in  short, 
it  seemed  as  if  she  really  ought  to  be  dis 
charged  ;  but  then  there  was  invariably 
some  reason  for  postponing  the  fatal  hour. 
Either  her  kindness  to  the  children  or  a 
week  or  two  of  the  old-time  efficiency,  her 


JANE 


unyielding  civility,  her  scrupulous  hon 
esty,  her  willing  acquiescence  in  any  new 
duty  imposed,  an  impression  that  she  was 
suffering,  any  one  or  all  of  these  reasons 
kept  her  on  in  her  place  until  she  became 
so  much  a  fixture  in  the  household,  so 
much  one  of  the  family,  that  the  idea  of 
getting  rid  of  her  seemed  beyond  the  pos 
sibility  of  realization.  That  the  axe  should 
fall  her  employers  knew  well,  and  many  a 
resolve  was  taken  that  at  the  end  of  the 
season  she  should  go,  yet  neither  Mrs. 
Perkins  nor  her  husband  liked  to  tell  her 
so.  Her  good  points  were  still  too  po 
tent,  although  none  could  deny  that  all 
confidence  in  her  efficiency  was  shattered 
past  repair.  The  situation  finally  reached 
a  point  where  it  inspired  reflections  of  a 
more  or  less  humorous  order. 

"  I  tell  you  what  I  think,"  said  Thad- 
dens  one  evening,  after  a  particularly  fla 
grant  breach  on  Jane's  part,  involving  a 
streak  of  cranberry  sauce  across  a  suppos- 
ititiously  clean  plate :  "  you  won't  dis 
charge  her,  Bess,  and  I  won't  ;  suppose 


196  PASTE    JEWELS 

we  send  for  Mr.  Burke,  and  get  him  to  do 
it." 

Mr.  Burke  was  the  one  reliable  man  in 
town.  It  didn't  make  much  difference 
what  the  Perkinses  wanted  done,  they 
generally  sent  for  Mr.  Burke  to  do  it, 
largely  because  when  he  attempted  a  com 
mission  he  saw  it  through.  A  carpenter 
and  builder  by  trade,  he  had  for  many 
years  looked  after  the  repairs  needful  to 
the  Perkins  dwelling ;  he  had  come  often 
between  Thaddeus  and  unskilled  labor ; 
he  had  made  bookcases  which  were  dreams 
of  convenience  and  sufficiently  pleasing  to 
the  eye;  he  had  "fixed  up"  Mrs.  Per 
kins's  garden  ;  he  had  supplied  the  family 
with  a  new  gardener  when  the  old  one 
had  taken  on  habits  of  drink,  which  de 
stroyed  not  only  himself  but  the  cab 
bages  ;  he  had  kept  an  eye  on  the  plumb 
ers  ;  he  had  put  up,  taken  down,  and 
repaired  awnings  —  in  short,  as  Perkins 
said,  he  was  a  "Universal."  Once,  when 
a  delicate  piece  of  bric-a-brac  had  been 
broken  and  the  china  -  mender  asserted 


JANE  197 

that  it  could  not  be  mended,  Perkins  had 
said,  "See  if  Burke  can't  fix  it,"  and 
Burke  had  fixed  it ;  and  as  final  tribute 
to  this  wonder,  Perkins  had  said,  in  suf- 
ering  : 

"  My  dear,  Fm  afraid  I  have  appendi 
citis.  Send  for  Mr.  Burke." 

"  Mr.  Burke  !"  echoed  his  wife. 

"Yes,  Mr.  Burke,  "moaned  the  sufferer. 
"If  my  vermiform  appendix  is  to  be  re 
moved,  I'd  rather  have  Mr.  Burke  do  it 
with  a  chisel  and  saw  than  any  surgeon  I 
know  ;  and  I  won't  take  ether  either,  be 
cause  it  is  such  a  satisfaction  to  see  him 
work." 

So,  when  this  happy  pair  of  house 
holders  had  reached  what  might  be  de 
scribed  as  the  grand  climacteric  of  their 
patience,  and  it  was  finally  decided  that 
Jane's  usefulness  was  a  thing  of  the  past, 
and  utterly  beyond  redemption,  Thaddeus 
naturally  suggested  turning  to  his  faith 
ful  friend,  Mr.  Burke,  to  rid  them  of  their 
woes,  and,  indeed,  but  for  Jane's  own  in 
tervention,  I  fear  that  course  would  have 


198  PASTE    JEWELS 

proved  the  sole  alternative  to  her  becom 
ing  an  irremovable  fixture  in  the  house 
hold.  But  it  was  Jane  herself  who  solved 
the  problem. 

It  was  two  days  after  the  cranberry  epi 
sode  that  the  solution  came,  and  it  was 
in  this  wise  : 

"Did  ye  send  for  me?"  Jane  asked, 
suddenly  materializing  in  Mrs.  Perkins's 
room. 

"No,  Jane,  I  haven't ;  why  ?" 

The  girl  began  to  shed  tears. 

e<  Because — you'd  ought  to  have,  ma'am. 
I  know  well  enough  that  I  ain't  satisfac 
tory  to  you,"  she  returned,  her  voice 
quivering,  "and  I  can't  be,  and  I  know 
you  want  me  to  go — and  I — I've  come  to 
give  you  notice." 

Then  Mrs.  Perkins  looked  at  Jane  with 
sorrow  on  her  countenance,  for  she  had 
acquired  an  affection  for  her  which  the 
maid's  delinquencies  had  not  been  able 
to  efface. 

"  Can't  you  try  and  do  better  ?"  she 
asked. 


JANE  199 

"No,  ma'am/'  returned  Jane.  "Not 
with  the  system — never.  Mr.  Perkins  is 
too  easy,,  and  you  do  be  so  soft-hearted  it 
don't  keep  a  girl  up  to  her  work.  When 
I  first  come  here,  ma'am,  not  knowin'  ye 
well,  I  was  afraid  to  be  anything  but  what 
was  right,  but  the  way  you  took  accidents, 
and  a  bit  of  a  shortcomin'  once  in  a  while, 
sort  of  took  away  my  fear,  and  Fve  been 
goin'  down  hill  ever  since.  Servant-girls 
is  only  human,  Mrs.  Perkins." 

Mrs.  Perkins  looked  at  Jane  inquir 
ingly. 

"  We  needs  to  be  kept  np  to  our  work 
just  as  much  as  anybody  else,  and  when  a 
lady  like  yourself  is  too  easy,  it  gets  a  girl 
into  bad  habits,  and  occasionally  it  does 
us  good  if  the  gentleman  of  the  house 
will  swear  at  us,  Mrs.  Perkins,  and  sort  of 
scare  us,  so  it  does.  It  was  that  that  was 
the  makin'  of  me.  The  last  place  I  was 
in,  ma'am,  I  was  so  afraid  of  both  the 
missus  and  the  gentleman  that  I  didn't 
dare  to  be  careless  ;  and  I  didn't  dare  be 
careless  with  you  until  I  found  you  all  the 


200  PASTE    JEWELS 

time  a-smilin',  whatever  went  wrong,  and 
Mr.  Perkins  never  sayin'  a  word,  whether 
the  dishes  come  to  the  table  clean  or  not." 

"Well,  Jane,"  said  Mrs.  Perkins,  some 
what  carried  away  by  this  course  of  rea 
soning,  "you  haven't  been  what  we  hoped 
—  there  is  no  denying  that;  but  know 
ing  that  you  were  disappointing  us,  why 
couldn't  you  have  made  a  special  effort  ?" 

"Oh,  Mrs.  Perkins,"  sobbed  the  poor 
woman,  "you  don't  understand.  We're 
all  disappointin'  to  them  we  loves,  but — 
it's  them  we  fear — 

"  Then  why  aren't  you  afraid  of  us  ?" 

Jane  laughed  through  her  tears.  The 
idea  was  preposterous. 

"Afraid  of  you  and  Mr.  Perkins? 
Ah  !"  she  said,  sadly,  "  if  I  only  could  be — 
but  I  can't.  Why,  Mrs.  Perkins,  if  Mr. 
Perkins  should  come  in  here  now  and 
swear  at  me  the  way  Mr.  Barley  did  when 
I  worked  there,  I'd  know  he  was  only 
puttin'  it  on,  and  that  inside  he'd  be 
laughiri'  at  me.  No,  ma'am,  it's  no  use. 
I  feel  that  I  must  go,  or  I'll  be  forever 


JANE  201 

ruined.  It  was  the  cranberry  showed  me  ; 
a  girl  had  ought  to  be  discharged  for  that. 
Dirty  dinner  plates  isn't  excusable,  and 
yet  neither  of  you  said  a  word,  and  next 
week  it  '11  be  the  same  way — so  I'm  goin'. 
You  won't  send  me  off,  so  I've  got  to  do  it 
myself." 

"Very  well,  Jane,"  said  Mrs.  Perkins; 
"if  that  is  the  way  you  feel  about  it  we'll 
have  to  part,  I  suppose.  I  am  sorry, 
but—" 

The  sentence  was  not  finished,  for  Jane 
rushed  weeping  from  the  room,  and  with 
in  a  few  days,  her  place  having  been  filled, 
the  house  knew  her  no  more,  except  as  an 
occasional  visitor,  ostensibly  to  see  the 
children.  Later  she  got  a  place  to  her 
satisfaction,  and  one  night  the  Perkinses 
were  invited  to  dine  with  Jane's  new  em 
ployers.  They  went  and  found  their  old- 
time  "butler"  at  the  very  zenith  of  her 
powers.  She  served  the  dinner  as  she  had 
never  served  one  in  her  palmiest  days  in 
the  Perkins's  dining-room  ;  and  when  all 
was  over,  and  when  Mrs.  Perkins  went  up- 


202  PASTE    JEWELS 

stairs  to  don  her  wrap  to  return  home,  she 
found  Jane  above  waiting  to  help  her. 

"  I  am  glad  to  see  you  so  happy,  Jane/' 
she  said,  as  the  girl  held  her  cloak. 

"Ah,  ma'am,  I'm  not  very  happy." 

"You  ought  to  be,  here.  Your  work 
to-night  was  perfect." 

"Yes,"  said  Jane,  "it  had  to  be,  for" 
—here  her  voice  fell  to  a  whisper — "  I 
don't  dare  let  it  be  different,  ma'am.  Mrs. 
Harkins  is  a  regular  divvle,  and  the  ould 
gentleman  —  well,  ma'am,  he  do  swear 
finer  'n  any  gentleman  I  ever  met.  It's 
just  the  place  for  me." 

And  Jane  sighed  as  her  old  mistress 
left  her. 

"'Wasn't  she  great,  Bess  ?"  said  Thad- 
deus,  on  the  way  home. 

"She  was,  indeed,"  replied  Mrs.  Per 
kins,  with  a  smile.  "  It's  a  pity  I'm  not  a 
divvle." 

Thaddeus  laughed.  "That's  so,"  he 
said  ;  "  or  that  I  never  learned  to  swear 
like  a  gentleman,  eh  ?" 

THE    END 


BY  GEOEGE  DU  MAUKIEK 


TOE  MARTIAN.     A  Novel.    Illustrated  by  the  Author. 

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He  has  an  irresistible  theme,  and  he  writes  irresistibly.  ,  .  .  The  ro 
mance  has  the  ring  of  Mr.  Du  Maurier's  best  romancing ;  the  simple,  almost 
naive,  admiration  of  the  boys  for  Barty  shows  the  author  as  we  have 
known  him  in  his  highest  estate— true,  wise,  free  from  the  slightest 
suspicion  of  sentimentality  or  cant.  "The  Martian"  opens  again  the 
portals  of  his  delightful  world,  the  story  revives  the  tenderness,  the 
sweetness,  the  original  magic  which  many  readers  have  feared  could 
never  be  recaptured,  and  the  four  or  live  pictures  reveal  unmistakably  the 
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ble  ...  to  the  freshness  and  beauty  of  a  spring  morning  at  the  end  of  a 
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PETER  IBBETSON.  With  an  Introduction  by  his 
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subject  is  unworthy,  the  comedy  sparkling,  and  the  tragedy,  as  wo  have 

said,  inevitable.—  N.  Y.  Evening  Post. 

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MAKE  TWAIN'S  JOAN  OF  AEG 


PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS  OF  JOAN  OF  ARC. 
By  the  Sieur  Louis"  DE  CONTE  (her  page  and  secretary). 
Freely  translated  out  of  the  Ancient  French  into  Modern 
English  from  the  Original  Unpublished  Manuscript  in 
the  National  Archives  of  France,  by  JEAN  FRANCOIS 
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One  of  the  most  delightful  books  of  the  time.  It  is  read  with 
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its  entrancing  digressions. — RICHARD  HENRY  STODDARD,  in  N.  Y. 
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Mark  Twain,  in  the  best  book  he  has  ever  written,  has  given 
us  a  life  of  Joan  of  Arc  so  amazing  in  its  realism,  its  vividness 
and  force,  that,  like  Shakespeare's  plays,  it  compels  acceptance. 
...  Is  not  only  the  best  thing  he  has  ever  done,  but  one  of  the 
best  things  done  by  anybody  in  fiction  for  a  long  time  past. — 
Speaker,  London. 


BY  THE  SAME  AUTHOR: 

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THE  ADVENTURES  OF  HUCKLEBERRY  FINN. 

A  CONNECTICUT  YANKEE  IN  KING  ARTHUR'S  COURT. 

THE  PRINCE  AND  THE  PAUPER. 

LIFE  ON  THE  MISSISSIPPI. 

TOM  SAWYER  ABROAD  ;  TOM  SAWYER,  DETECTIVE  ;  AND 

OTHER  STORIES,  ETC. 
THE  AMERICAN  CLAIMANT,  AND  OTHER   STORIES  AND 

SKETCHES. 


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BY    CAPTAIN    CHAELES    KING. 


CAMPAIGNING    WITH    CROOK,  AND    STORIES    OF 
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A  WAR-TIME  WOOING.    Illustrated  by  R.  F.  ZOGBAUM. 

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tense,  they  have  such  a  ring  of  true  experience,  and  his  charac 
ters  are  so  lifelike  and  vivid  that  the  announcement  of  a  ne\v 
one  is  always  received  with  pleasure. — New  Haven  Palladium. 

In  all  of  Captain  King's  stories  the  author  holds  to  lofty  idea  Is 
of  manhood  and  womanhood,  and  inculcates  the  lessons  of  honor, 
generosity,  courage,  and  self-control. — Literary  World,  Boston. 

A  romance  by  Captain  King  is  always  a  pleasure,  because  he 
has  so  complete  a  mastery  of  the  subjects  with  which  he  deals. 
.  .  .  Captain  King  has  few  rivals  in  his  domain. — Epoch,  N.  Y. 

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ring  about  them. — Philadelphia  Item. 

In  the  delineation  of  war  scenes  Captain  King's  style  is  crisp 
and  vigorous,  inspiring  in  the  breast  of  the  reader  a  thrill  of 
genuine  patriotic  fervor. — Boston  Commonwealth. 

Captain  King  is  almost  without  a  rival  in  the  field  he  has 
chosen.  .  .  .  His  style  is  at  once  vigorous  and  sentimental  in 
the  best  sense  of  that  word,  so  that  his  novels  are  pleasing  to 
young  men  as  well  as  young  women.— Pittsburgh  Bulletin. 

It  is  good  to  think  that  there  is  at  least  one  man  who  believes 
that  all  the  spirit  of  romance  and  chivalry  has  not  yet  died  out 
of  the  world,  and  that  there  are  as  brave  and  honest  hearts  to 
day  as  there  were  in  the  days  of  knights  and  paladins. — Phila 
delphia  Record. 

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Mr.  Doyle  has  the  gift  of  description,  and  he  knows  liovv  to 
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His  descriptions  are  picturesque  and  vivid,  and  his  narrative 
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Dr.  Doyle's  characters,  whether  historical  or  imaginary,  are 
so  instinct  with  the  breath  of  life  that  they  compel  our  credence 
—  they  are  never  puppets,  but  always  creations. — Spectator, 
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Few  writers  excel  Conan  Doyle  in  this  class  of  literature. 
His  style,  vigorous,  terse,  and  thoughtful,  united  to  a  nice  knowl 
edge  of  the  human  mind,  makes  every  character  a  profoundly 
interesting  psychological  study. — Chicago  Inter- Ocean. 

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